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#196339 - 12/23/07 04:46 AM Ruin - possible trigger
FormerTexan Offline

Registered: 09/12/04
Posts: 12156
Loc: Denver, CO
A boy who is angry most of the time
Having been hurt from othersí crime
Carrying burdens as he grows
And how to ruin is all he knows

A stab in the back by a loved one dear
A smack in the face that taught him fear
Learning a life he never chose
Ruining things is all he knows

Iíll live to destroy, he says in his heart
Nothing will last, Iíll tear it apart
No good continues wherever he goes
Since how to ruin is all he knows

Rage is saved up for a rainy day
Anger at last will have its say
Silently shared while the door is closed
To hide the destruction that no one else knows

If anyone knew him, theyíd stay far away
Just greet him briefly to keep him at bay
Leave him be, and on his way he goes
Since reduction to ruin is all he knows

He harbors that anger, and no one will see
The deep-seated hatred all others would flee
His anger follows the wind as it blows
And wrecking the good is all he knows

Hey world, he hates you, you just donít know it
He hides his bitterness, he never will show it
Forget being friends, he sees you as foes
Curse and damnation is all he knows

He hasnít a clue how to make things right
He needs someone patient who has clear sight
To show him direction in which he must go
In order to stop the destruction he knows


Money talks, but all it tells me is goodbye.

If I could meet myself as a boy...

#196358 - 12/23/07 12:53 PM Re: Ruin - possible trigger [Re: FormerTexan]
Bobby Offline

Registered: 12/01/04
Posts: 1287
Loc: Arizona
It's a beautifully written poem, Andy, and I am so sorry you feel this way, but you'll have to do a lot of convincing to make me believe that one of the kindest people I know, who has patched me up so many times, knows nothing but ruin.


I'm healing now, and I wasn't sure I would.

#196359 - 12/23/07 12:54 PM Re: Ruin - possible trigger [Re: FormerTexan]
dancr6 Offline

Registered: 12/02/07
Posts: 383
Loc: georgia
PERFECT..... I get a visual image of the drive for destruction and ruin you are talking about and I get the sense
that someone else is driving and coercing us to do the acts of ruin, sort of what you said in lines 2 and 7.
Excellent poem, right on the head of the emotional nail. Keep 'em coming
I feel a healin' coming on!!!
I think that we are like a ventriloquist puppet until we finally, maybe never fully, catch hold and say "enough" I'll drive from here and have a safer, more enjoyable ride.

I'm a freeman now, his authority's dead
no pain monger lies in my comfortable bed!

#196362 - 12/23/07 01:08 PM Re: Ruin - possible trigger [Re: dancr6]
FormerTexan Offline

Registered: 09/12/04
Posts: 12156
Loc: Denver, CO

I sure appreciate your thoughts. This poem is coming more from the perspective of a little boy angry for being treated so lousy by everyone, so long ago. Ever since the Alta retreat (and I'm not bashing it, for it was a great experience), I have been in and out of childhood emotions that I wish would just get resolved already - Arg!


Though I wish you didn't have to, I'm glad you can relate.


Money talks, but all it tells me is goodbye.

If I could meet myself as a boy...

#196385 - 12/23/07 03:17 PM Re: Ruin - possible trigger [Re: FormerTexan]
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA

I'm sorry Little Andy sees things this way - so full of pain and hurt. But at the same time I'm glad you can write it all down so clearly and with such fidelity to the little guy's feelings. It's with those feelings that real healing has to start. We have to own how we feel; that's what you are doing and I think that will help Little Andy a lot. When? I don't know, bro. But in the meantime you have lots of safe and caring friends in your corner.

Much love,

Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)

#196392 - 12/23/07 04:14 PM Re: Ruin - possible trigger [Re: roadrunner]
buzz_key Offline

Registered: 03/31/07
Posts: 635
Loc: USA
AMEN and AMEN Larry!

i hear you Andy...



#196407 - 12/23/07 07:15 PM Re: Ruin - possible trigger [Re: buzz_key]
EGL Offline
Moderator Emeritus
Registered: 06/19/04
Posts: 7821

Speaking to Little Andy,

Andy, you have nothing to feel ruined about because you are a wonderful child. I wish I could help you see how special and important you are. You have a lot to feel angry about, I know. But the world does not hate you, and neither do I or so many others.

And now, to my good friend Andy, the big guy,

Thanks for sharing this with us. It's similar to something I was thinking about this morning during church - the self-destructive years. I was thinking over some thoughts that I plan to pull together into a poem later. And I'm real glad you understand how "un-ruined" you are, my friend.


#196480 - 12/24/07 04:57 AM Re: Ruin - possible trigger [Re: EGL]
TJ jeff Offline

Registered: 08/07/04
Posts: 3594
Loc: Northern Wisconsin
(((((Little Andy)))))
(((((Big Andy)))))

I am glad that you are letting that little boy speak - I am very proud of him - I was honored to be able to have my little guy stand beside him in Alta - I will never forget that - ever

Andy - you are a good man - the past did not ruin that - you are stronger than your past - I know you are

Think back to that day in Alta - I'm right there with you - I'll take your hand - my little guy with your little guy - he's not alone anymore - he never has to do it alone anymore - ever

I know it's scarey sometimes - that is when we need to reach out the most my friend

Who will cry for the little boy? - I will... - Antwone Fisher

Abuse happens in silence/isolation - Recovery happens only when that silence/isolation is broken...

TJ's History

#196523 - 12/24/07 04:34 PM Re: Ruin - possible trigger [Re: TJ jeff]
frost Offline

Registered: 03/15/07
Posts: 1377
Loc: Eh?
That was beautifully written Andy.

Originally Posted By: Andy
If anyone knew him, theyíd stay far away

It saddens my heart how true this rings for so many of us who were abused and how poor our self image becomes. It is no wonder why we develop destructive traits... All the while amazing we can keep that anger so hidden and so private.

Thank you for sharing... I hope some day little Andy can write happy poems \:\)


#196917 - 12/28/07 07:58 AM Re: Ruin - possible trigger [Re: frost]
Liri Offline

Registered: 12/28/07
Posts: 127
Loc: Seattle, WA
Very carefully woven. Putting that chaos into order. Turning the ruin into a palace of lyric where little Andy can be a prince for once and for all.

As a small child, I felt in my heart two contradictory feelings, the horror of life and the ecstasy of life. --Charles Baudelaire

My Story


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