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#196122 - 12/21/07 08:03 AM Convicting your perp?
bocaj Offline
New Here

Registered: 12/20/07
Posts: 8
Hey all,
My abuse came out recently. It happened for over five years from the time I was thirteen to 19. It involved masturbation never penetration. It was a secret between me and my perp until this summer when I finally found it too unbearable and told my olde brother. It has since torn my family of ten kids to pieces with tons of raging feelings. I am away at college dealing with it alone for the most part. I reported him and he was arrested for showing poorn to a minor and lude acts on a minor but was released two days after on bail. He is awaiting his general sessions court date in the end of December. My greatest fear is having to run into him again. The last time I saw him I was living with him for the summer, and I moved out while he was at dinner with my parents, complicated story. I fear I may have to testify in court at some point. I strongly feel this is the right thing to do, for him but it tears me apart thinking about it and having ot talk about it with cops, and random people. My whole family knows most of the details, but I dont really think anyone understands, I dont understand how any of it happened, how I let it happen. I am a black belt in judo, physically fit, and he was an overweight middle aged man. My girlfriend never says much about it, but I know she blames me to an extent for letting it happen. He held financial control over my life throughout high school since my parents could not afford to pay for literally anything. I guess I am just curious if anyone here can relate on any level. I am new to the site and while I can relate to most here I feel my story is very different.

#196132 - 12/21/07 11:09 AM Re: Convicting your perp? [Re: bocaj]
GateKPR4 Offline

Registered: 10/29/07
Posts: 955
Loc: North Carolina, USA
Welcome to MS bocaj,
Most likely he can't go near you. I'm not a lawyer but I think you can check if there were conditions when he posted bail and those should be public record. Go to the court house and find out the details. This may set you mind at ease.
You can also talk to your parents that you wish not to have this person around when you are going to be home.
We have a family member being accused of molesting our teenage niece. Her story was pretty hard to believe and tore the family apart. The police were called, my brother attempted suicide, and nothing has ever came out of the case. As far as I know its been dropped due to two factors, he had a wonderful girlfriend and has never perped anyone or abused anyone. My niece is known for fabricating stories to get attention. I know it's not the same but the result was still a disaster. the family is still torn about it and its been over a year.
Its hard on everyone when this stuff comes out. My opinion is you did the right thing. If you have to stay away from your family to protect yourself then do it.
Its your life and abuse is abuse. Find some friends at collage to spend the holiday with if you don't feel like going home. You have choices use them to your benefit.

I'm a normal person dealing with abnormal experiences.
The greatest discoveries we will find within ourselves.
|| || || || || || |

#196137 - 12/21/07 01:21 PM Re: Convicting your perp? [Re: GateKPR4]
buzz_key Offline

Registered: 03/31/07
Posts: 635
Loc: USA
hey bocaj,
welcome! and i'm sorry for the need to be here, but it is THE best place to talk and talk and will receive no judgement only caring and interested people who have gone through thesame thing. the talking helps work through so much we have to deal with.

you know, all of our abuse had to do with control, control over us. your perp had financial control over you which translates to emotional control becuae he was supplying your basic needs in lieu of your parents.

we all need love and attention as kids - he was using that attention and money to control you and to allow himself access to you in a sexually abusive manner.

my perp was my dad and i never told a soul, it went on til i was 17 and left home - because, even though it was abusive, he had so much control over me and there was no one to turn tell someone could have potentially been a worse scenario -- so....silence and continued abuse.


#196145 - 12/21/07 02:15 PM Re: Convicting your perp? [Re: buzz_key]
Ken Singer, LCSW Offline

Registered: 08/24/00
Posts: 5781
Loc: Lyons, CO USA
It is standard procedure that he will have a no contact condition of his bail. He will not be able to verbally, physically, or even eyeball contact you. If he does, you simply report it to the court and his bail will be revoked. Guaranteed.

The other thing you should know is that perpetrators are afraid of their victims. You are not a small helpless child and he knows this. He has much more to fear from you than you from him.


PS You may want to pm MS pres-elect Curtis St. John about testifying. He testified against his perp who was a real scary guy (ate one of his victims). His courageous story is really affirming.

Blissfully retired after 35 years treating sexual abuse

#196149 - 12/21/07 02:25 PM Re: Convicting your perp? [Re: Ken Singer, LCSW]
AndyJB2005 Offline

Registered: 11/14/06
Posts: 1249
Loc: Minnesota
Welcome, Bocaj! I'm glad you could make it here, even though I'm sad you have to be here. Don't have much experience with testifying against my perp, but I just wanted to say hi. \:\)

Life's disappointments are harder to take when you don't know any swear words. -- Calvin (Calvin and Hobbes)

#196344 - 12/23/07 06:52 AM Re: Convicting your perp? [Re: AndyJB2005]
lostcowboy Offline

Registered: 11/10/04
Posts: 798
Loc: Rhode Island
Hi bocaj, one of the hardest things I have understanding is why most of the guys on the site here, kept going back. But then I was raped only once by a stranger. I then got to thinking about the love/heat relationship I had with my step-dad, who never beat me but did beat my mom. For over four years, I kept that secret, I still ask myself why. I have recently come across several of the books of Patrick J Carnes, PH.D. I have not read this book yet, but I think it is one that you need to read also. The Betrayal Bond,Breaking free of Exploitive Relationships, by Patrick J Carnes, PH.D.

Take care,

"Don't walk in front of me, I may not follow. Don't walk behind me, I may not lead. Just walk beside me and be my friend." - Albert Camus
Pretty much my life as I have posted so far. Triggers!

#196347 - 12/23/07 12:08 PM Re: Convicting your perp? [Re: lostcowboy]
alexey Offline
Moderator Emeritus
Registered: 08/16/05
Posts: 1677
Loc: Moscow, Russia

Welcome to MS.

I am sorry for what happened to you. While I can't really relate to your story because the abusers who abused me never went to court because of me, I still wanto to encourage you go throuh all the process with stength. It will be good for you in the end.


When you feel all alone and unhappy, turn to you Inner Child and talk to Him.
You will see He can comfort you like nothing else!

#196487 - 12/24/07 07:11 AM Re: Convicting your perp? [Re: alexey]
scotia1 Offline

Registered: 05/27/07
Posts: 81
I personally say go for it! This shit has to be brought out in the open in order for it to stop. Ive got my perp on the ropes, and Id urge you to do the same.
Im with you all the way!


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