I am angry because
I sat silently counting floor tiles
or staring blankly at the ceiling
and for cutting myself
…to free myself
and for not having the courage
to simply be me
Abuse devastates a boy emotionally as well as physically. There's just no way a 10-year-old could have defended himself, and that really did leave you with nothing to do except check out of the situation - blank out and count tiles, as you say.
And as for courage, shouldn't we say that any boy who survives abuse must have one hell of a lot of courage just to continue on with his life?
I hope you can be a bit more gentle with yourself. It isn't you who is to blame for any of this. That's not so easy to see sometimes, but it really is the truth.