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#195780 - 12/18/07 01:46 PM throwing in the towel
indygal Offline

Registered: 06/22/06
Posts: 439
it doesn't really matter, i think, to say in detail what brought this on - everyone has their limits, or should, anyway. mine's been reached is all.

i tried to tell him at this point, i'd brought everything i could to the table, that he should be aware of how much i love him, of how much i cared and always would. i told him that at this point, he needed to bring something to the table now, that it was his turn, that i couldn't do this anymore the way it is now.

i said something, also, about how i felt there was a little boy inside of him, just wanting so bad to come out, and he was fighting so hard to protect him.

funny, me, i'm usually such a crier, this time i'm as dry eyed as one can be. just sort of numb, maybe. i've cried so much over him, guess the well has dried up, for a while at least. no doubt there will be a memory here or there that'll catch me off guard.

anyway, don't know how much longer i'll be posting, probably just drift off or something. i do know i couldn't have lasted this long w/o all of you. i do know that maybe, just maybe, because of all of you i was able to get through to him and just maybe, he'll get the help he so desparately needs; at least he knows it's out there now, that's got to be some consolation.

enough drama already.
got things to do, people to see, places to go, right?

he was the one, tho, he was the one.

all the best,

my avatar is one of the Battle Angel characters, fighting the good fight.

#195783 - 12/18/07 02:18 PM Re: throwing in the towel [Re: indygal]
sweet-n-sour Offline

Registered: 10/03/06
Posts: 409
Loc: chicago
Dear Indygal:

I have no words that seem adequate to offer you right now. You have been a presence here for a very long time...your dedication, determination and desire to make things work was very much apparent.
I'm not sure if you noticed...but I had changed the signature quote on the bottom of my postings a while back. ""As long as he continues to try, I will meet him in that determination and commitment."
The most important aspect in a relationship with a survivor is that both within that relationship is destined for failure if only one person is doing all of the work, is doing all of the doing all of the hoping for better.
When you said: "i told him that at this point, he needed to bring something to the table now, that it was his turn, that i couldn't do this anymore the way it is now."
I see you feel this as well.
Relationships are difficult with just everyday challenges...add csa and it intensifies the difficulty.
I wish you all of the happiness that life has to offer Indy. I offer my support at best to you at this time. I hope a cyber hug is welcomed. (((Indy)))
Best wishes,

"As long as he continues to try, I will meet him in that determination and commitment."

cm 2007

#195833 - 12/18/07 10:33 PM Re: throwing in the towel [Re: sweet-n-sour]
Trish4850 Offline
BoD Liaison Emeritus

Registered: 10/15/05
Posts: 3280
Loc: New Jersey
{{{Indy}}} I'm so sorry and like SnS, words just don't seem enough. You'll be fine, of that I'm sure. Take your time to grieve, you're entitled to it and it's a necessary part of healing from a loss. Be well Indy.

ROCK ON...........Trish

If you fall down 10 times, Stand up 11.

#195836 - 12/18/07 10:47 PM Re: throwing in the towel [Re: Trish4850]
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA

I don't know if it will help hearing this from a survivor - I hope so. I don't blame you at all for recognizing when you have reached your limit. Regardless of what challenges a relationship encounters, if one partner finds that s/he is carrying the can alone there has to come a point where it just has to be said how unacceptable that is.

It takes two - it always does. I'm so sorry to see things come to this, but you have every right to call it a day if nothing is forthcoming from the other side. What's your choice? To put up with that forever - or until whenever it is he can achieve a breakthrough? When will that be? What if that moment never comes? You don't get a second chance at life, you know.

It breaks my heart to see your last line. But just as important is your need to make sure you don't also become a victim of the abuse he suffered.

Much love,

Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)

#195848 - 12/19/07 12:54 AM Re: throwing in the towel [Re: roadrunner]
WalkingSouth Offline

Registered: 08/30/05
Posts: 16270
Loc: Waldport, Oregon

I don't know what to say except I understand. I'm proud of you, actually. You've done all you can and now, in order to protect your own heart you've drawn that line in the sand and said, "It's your turn now." As much as it hurts you can stand with your head high knowing you've given it everything there is to give.

Sometimes it takes loosing something we've taken for granted before we as survivors realize we have some work to do and that it MUST be done if we want to live. Let's hope the line you've drawn will get through to him, if not for your sake here and now, then for his in the near future.

You deserve all the good this world has to offer. I hope and pray you will find it.

Lots of love,


"Life's journey is not to arrive at the grave safely in a well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, totally worn out, shouting 'Holy Shit! What a ride!'" ~Hunter S. Thompson

#195849 - 12/19/07 12:57 AM Re: throwing in the towel [Re: WalkingSouth]
mogigo Offline

Registered: 04/25/07
Posts: 1331
Loc: Colorado
I'm sorry Indy



#195861 - 12/19/07 02:19 AM Re: throwing in the towel [Re: mogigo]
evanesence Offline

Registered: 12/08/07
Posts: 119
you might be able to see the lmit of your ability to help him ,but you can never underestimate the help you gave to guys here,i read a lot of old posts before i ever posted here , who knows how many you helped by being here ,it says family and friends dont think you have to be a survivor or even a friend to be hear when your family .i didn't get to know you but wish i could .evan

#195878 - 12/19/07 03:25 AM Re: throwing in the towel [Re: mogigo]
Chrissy Offline
New Here

Registered: 11/11/07
Posts: 10
Loc: DC
I'm sorry and relieved to hear that you have reached the point you are at.

For me, giving up would mean making a choice to allow a part of myself to die. But I also remember the first time I was hurt by my boyfriend. I knew in my heart that I wasn't ready to just walk away. I keep thinking that if it were to get bad enough, my heart would tell me enough is enough too. I imagine the sentiment must be out there, but I just don't envision that as a possibility. At the time, I was thinking this is how women end up in abusive relationships because that sensor for self-preservation has been turned off.

So I vascilate between the hope of having all me be alive, even when it hurts, versus the despair of choosing to allow any part of my life to die. Maybe it's my own narcissistic sense of self-importance to think I can make a difference by sheer force of will.

I'm sure it hasn't been easy, but thank you for sharing.

#196375 - 12/23/07 02:45 PM Re: throwing in the towel [Re: indygal]
Liv2124 Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 08/02/06
Posts: 159
Loc: New Jersey
Dear Indygal,
I can DEEPLY relate to what you're feeling right now, having been there MANY times myself. And you're right, it doesn't really matter what triggered this, it could've been any number of things. We give and we give and we give. Sometimes, after an argument I would ask myself why it was always me that should be the "understanding one". I have feelings too, and it hurts me just as much as it does him when someone tramples over them.
I'm sure you've done all you can for him and now need some time to do for yourself.
The memories here and there that will catch you off guard will catch him off guard also. One thing I've come to realize through my experience with my SO, is that he's always heard EVERYTHING I've ever told him. There would be breaks in our relationship and when he re-emerged, he would quote me now and then...things I said or wrote to him 10 or 20 years ago! Trust is such a huge issue. It's hard when he doesn't trust you and you've given him no reason not to. And although we truly love them, and truly care, we can't make them trust us.
What hit home for me was when you wrote "he was the one". It's hard to let that go, I know. But sometimes it does get hard to breathe in the middle of the drama, and it's hard to "follow the rules". I remember once, during an argument, I told him I just couldn't live by his "10 Commandments" anymore.
Emotionally, it's draining. He once told me he couldn't understand why I was okay with this. What would make him think I was okay with this? I'm not okay with what happened to him then and I'm not okay with what's happening to him now. I'm not a violent person at all, but 5 minutes alone in a dark alley with those responsible and I'm sure I could draw blood.
You're obviously a good person and you've given all you can at this point. Take the time you need and he still may come around. I'm sure he knows you love him and care about him.

#196393 - 12/23/07 04:30 PM Re: throwing in the towel [Re: indygal]
GateKPR4 Offline

Registered: 10/29/07
Posts: 955
Loc: North Carolina, USA
I admire your courage Indy and all that you have done to try to make your relationship work. I really only know the survivor part because I am one. It took 23 years for me to seek help and then 2 years of therapy before a breakthrough. And that was only by accident. If that one ting on TV hadn't triggered me I would never had it. I think this song is appropriate and I'm sure you can relate.
I hope that you can walk away and will have learned something from your experience.

peace & light

Edited by GateKPR4 (12/23/07 04:43 PM)
I'm a normal person dealing with abnormal experiences.
The greatest discoveries we will find within ourselves.
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