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#192021 - 11/21/07 02:52 AM sexual ambiguity after being raped
ccandrich Offline
New Here

Registered: 11/21/07
Posts: 4

I really need some advice. My husband was tied up and raped by two guys at the same that he did not know when he was around 9-10 years old. He cried for help but nobody around helped him and the rapers say they would kill him if he did not go along with the rape. My husband later started to get interested in guys but had fought the urge for a while and then started sleeping with them as well as girls. He says he decided to walk away from being with males at around 19 - 20 years of age and just be with women since he felt comfortable that way. He married me when he was about 23 years old and says he has only been in to me. I want to understand this better. Could the rape actually have anything to do with the sexual ambiguity? He was emotionally abandoned by his father from early on and when the family told the dad about the rape the dad did nothing and said nothing. My husband never had the resources or the know how to work through the pain of the experience. I wonder though if the rape and the feelings for men were related at all. Please share some of your knowledge with me.

Thank you friends

#192027 - 11/21/07 03:34 AM Re: sexual ambiguity after being raped [Re: ccandrich]
Bewlayb1 Offline

Registered: 08/04/07
Posts: 243
Loc: NYC
Hi ccandrich,

I don't know if I can really help you, but you sounded upset, so I felt I should write something. I was sexual abused for several years by a teacher, beginning when I was eight. I'm twenty-five now. I came out as gay when I was eighteen, and changed my mind when I remembered the abuse about a year later. Now, I don't like to define my sexuality. Truthfully, I believe I was born gay, and the abuser robbed me of my ability to enjoy sex, or any desire for it.

I've had crushes on men and women, and I know in my heart that if I loved a woman, I could be faithful to her for life. Some men here have different views on it. You should read the posts from the other survivors. But if I was married to a woman, I wouldn't want her to worry about my sexuality. It's my problem. My sexuality has been a cause of great torment for a number of years. I would feel so guilty if the woman I loved let herself be tormented by it too.

#192710 - 11/26/07 03:43 PM Re: sexual ambiguity after being raped [Re: Bewlayb1]
Lazarus Offline

Registered: 07/01/07
Posts: 851
Loc: Below the radar, USA
Dear CC and Bewlab,

I could write volumes on this subject, but you wouldn't want to read it. I would like to give you the quick version.

Like you, B, and your husband, CC, I was abused at a very young age (my main perp was also a male teacher). Soon, I began having frequent sex with other boys my age. I dated several girls in school, and finally married Kelly when I was 24. But I didn't stop having sex with men. I was in the closet for so many years I can hardly tell. I came out to my family at 45, and I turn 50 next May. I am gay, in a LTR with a man, with custody of my children.

Kelly and I were married for 6 years, got divorced, both stayed single and sexually active (with each other as well as others), got back together four years later and eventually remarried. Each time we were married we had kids, my oldest son during our first marriage and the twins during the second. We were married for a total of 21 years before we finally divorced again 5 years ago. I'm not proud of all the times I cheated on Kelly, and I finally came out to her when the twins were four, or about 11 years ago. We managed to stay together another 5 or 6 years, and while it wasn't always pleasant, it sure was interesting.

Our sex life was a lot of ups and downs, mostly downs once the twins were born. Like you, Bewlab, I think my abuser robbed me of the time my sexuality was supposed to develop, and the result has also been the cause of a great torment for a number of years. In my case, the torment has been mostly with women, Kelly in particular. (Yes, I even cheated on her with women!) Many of those years, especially on our hiatus from each other, I labeled myself as Bisexual, although in reality the ratio of men to women probably approaches 100 to 1.

Our relationship definately had problems not related to sex, but I won't go into that. Those other problems had more to do with us splitting up than sex, but sex was the difining factor that led to the split. I will admit that it was unfair of me to have married Kelly once, let alone twice, because I could never love her as a husband should, physically and emotionally. But the fact that we stayed together for 10 years after we quit having sex proves that there were other bonds between us, including the children. Since Kelly is the mother of my children, I will never be 'rid' of her as long as we both shall live. But I don't want to get rid of her, I just want a different primary relationship. We are actually very good friends now, and see each other regularly (we may talk about sex, but we don't do it anymore. I've never cheated on my current partner.)

In answer to your dilemma, CC, I would say that Bisexual marriages are risky at best. The fact that you know about your husbands past so early in your relationship is a good thing, but does that give him license to 'go both ways'? Kelly and I managed an 'open relationship' for a couple of years after I came out and before we split. I even helped her write her first ever Singles Ad on the Internet. In the end, though, it wasn't pretty. Jealousy is a powerful emotion.

As for whether my early homosexual experiences caused my current identification as homosexual or just solidified it, I can't say. In other words, is the fact that my abuser picked me the reason I'm gay or did he just see it before I did? I believe in my case it was the latter. I was born gay, and just started younger than most. On the other hand, being inducted into sex at such an early age, whether it is torturous and abusive or loving and fun, really destroys a boy's boundaries, and not just sexual boundaries. "If I can get away with this 'adult' stuff, maybe I can get away with other 'adult' behavior, like drinking, drugs, promiscuity..." That's the way my mind worked. Even as a young adult, the normal rules didn't apply to me. I did just about anything I wanted. (I was nice about it and I didn't go around intentionally hurting people...)

Bottom line is that I was confused about my sexuality for many years. I had no limits, so I explored. Social morality and my love for my children kept me from accepting that I was gay, but eventually there was no way around it.

I hurt Kelly and she hurt me. But we're still friends because we know we couldn't have helped it. Once I came out, and now that I've married once again (this time to a man) I am much more comfortable with sex, and I don't need or want to play the field any more. Bewlab, don't let your fear of hurting anyone keep you from making relationships. You and your partner are adults. We are capable of making our own decisions and taking responsibility for them, UNLIKE we were when we were abused. You didn't do anything wrong, and you are not a bad person. Admit that and get comfortable in your own skin. Then let things happen as they may.

Love is love, afterall. It makes it's own rules.


(and that was the short version! Sheesh... LOL)

"That which does not kill us, surely makes us stonger." - Neitsche

#192778 - 11/27/07 05:04 AM Re: sexual ambiguity after being raped [Re: Lazarus]
Bewlayb1 Offline

Registered: 08/04/07
Posts: 243
Loc: NYC
Hi Lazarus

I appreciate your response. This isn't the first time you've replied to something I've written. I know that sexual confusion is a topic that interests you, and an area in which you have a lot of experience.

In truth, I think this should be moved out of the Gay Survivors category and into the Sexual Identity Crisis one. I keep switching back forth between those two with my posts, which is pretty indicative of my life for the past six, or seven years. Still, I wanted to reply to you. I enjoy reading your posts and I feel that we may be similiar in many respects.

Your last bit of advice affected me, particularly about being comfortable in my own skin. It's a phrase I've used before to describe myself. I'm never comfortable in my own skin. I cover my skin, always wear long sleeve shirts, never shorts. When I go out to bars, I'll often wear my leather jacket inside, or a black overcoat that I'm attached to like Linus to his blanket.

I simply don't believe that it's possible to ever be comfortable with my body again. I thought about if what you implied was true, that sex to me equals hurting someone. I think it's more about me being hurt. I don't feel like I'm a bad person when I have sex. I feel like I'm letting myself be used by a bad person again.

A difference between us is that I came out at eighteen. I told my friends and parents that I was gay. My dorm at college knew I was gay. I had no shame in everyone knowing. I was even gung ho about it for a short while. I've tried being gay for seven years. But it's not working for me. Perhaps the fundamental reason is that I can't be sickened by my sexuality while at the same time embracing it. I don't mean sickened by homosexuality. I mean by the heinous way my teacher introduced me to sex.

I wish I could want sex. Just let go. Enjoy it. Things would be easier. And yet, this is me. This sexual nothingness feels more natural than when I proudly proclaimed my homosexuality. You know what I mean? My body feels dead, and I'm almost at peace with that. I've been living with this damage for most of my life. I don't even know what it would be like not to live with it.

Honestly, I've developed a crush on a girl, so that's influencing my outlook. I don't want to say more about it, except that I'm astonished by how often I think about her. Every smile. Every stare. I guess I'm wondering, why not cut myself off from my intrinsic sexuality, homosexuality, when I can't truly connect to it?

Thanks again for your response, Lazurus. I can tell that you are genuinely concerned. I'm so sick of writing about love, and never having it. Your advice is always valued.

#195450 - 12/16/07 02:01 AM Re: sexual ambiguity after being raped [Re: Bewlayb1]
greatcharlie Offline
New Here

Registered: 12/16/07
Posts: 3
I was sexually abused by my father from 13 to 16, iwas confused about the execution of sex, but I knew i was different and was attracted to other boys and girls. I almost got married and I had a career in the military to prove I wasn't a sissy. In short the abuse didn't establish my sexuality but made me over compensate for my masculinity


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