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#195320 - 12/15/07 04:40 AM Misery Is a Butterfly
demitri Offline
New Here

Registered: 12/15/07
Posts: 1
this is my first post, i must say this is the 2nd website i checked out after researching for a site. it has made for an intriguing read.

i feel fairly comfortable posting here, though i have never done so on this topic (minus my private blog)

i have a few questions for those willing to respond.

i was sexually abused from a young age until i left home at 16, i was always very bitter about the fact of what i had gone through, but being on my own i discovered i might actually be bi, or gay? to me it is a very fine line to distinguish, it is difficult for me to understand now later on in life, if it was actually abuse? how can it be abuse if it is something i am attracted to now as an adult? i have alot of painful memories which makes everything confusing to me, how do you know your gay? is it more then sexual attraction?

also, this might be a touchy subject, i am not sure? i am now 22 and i have lived with my abuser willingly off and on for about 3 years, we have had some "relations" is that still considered abuse? my last girlfriend found out about this and told me it was emotional bondage, but i honestly don't feel anything like that, i really don't feel anything at all accept confusion when it comes to that topic

#195465 - 12/16/07 08:44 AM Re: Misery Is a Butterfly [Re: demitri]
michael Joseph Offline

Registered: 03/11/01
Posts: 2719
Loc: Virginia
hugs you are not alone

when abused it is very confusing,

others should not tell you what you are going through

instead just listen and offer some comfort

no one has the right to define what happened except you

it happened to you not other people

someone hurt you and at that point messed up any chance for a relationship of any kind, the emotions run wild and noone knows why we do what we do with a perp once they have hurt us, in my case many were family or friends, the whole thing is confusing

Hugs demitri or at least smile showing understanding and empathy

Standing together is so much better than hiding in the dark.
***I am a three time WoR Retreat Alumni***
The Round Table, Men's CSA Group, Monday 7:30pm CST, MaleSurvivor Chat

#195684 - 12/17/07 10:16 PM Re: Misery Is a Butterfly [Re: michael Joseph]
Stephen_5 Offline
BoD Emeritus
Registered: 09/12/00
Posts: 667
Loc: Northern California Foothills

I'm glad that you found this place but I'm sorry that you had to. A lot of the guys here have gone through what you're going through. Abuse can be any situation where you were coerced into doing something by another person that is in a position of power over you. You were coerced if you were uncomfortable with it, if it was painful or if it left you feeling used or humiliated. That later on in your life you came to a point where you willingly participate is inconsquential. How you came to that point is the essence.

Everytime someone in a position of power violates your boundaries and forces their will upon you, your personal boundaries get more and more blurry. It is easy to get confused and to wonder if it should have or could have been been something else.

I can only suggest that you seek out a therapist who has dealt with male survivors of sexual abuse. A good T can help you understand how what happened to you can affect your feelings and your judgement on other issues. Childhood sexual abuse has far reaching affects on future relationships.

As far as being straight, bi or gay, I think that a person is born however they are but their authentic self can be elusive when they have been sexually abused.

Take good care of yourself,


I want to stay as close to the edge as I can without going over. Out on the edge you see all kinds of things you can't see from the center.
Kurt Vonnegut (1922-2007)

#195977 - 12/20/07 01:47 AM Re: Misery Is a Butterfly [Re: Stephen_5]
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA

Welcome to MaleSurvivor. I think you will find we have a close and supportive community here, and certainly you will find a lot of discussion relevant to the issues that are troubling you right now. I'll just say for the moment that you aren't alone!

It really is a good idea to seek a therapist's help with these issues; they can be very confusing and troublesome, as you have already discovered. To what Steve says I would just add that when you are looking for a therapist make sure you don't end up with one who has an agenda of "curing" gays. If you are gay, then that's who you are and trying to work against that is just going to put you in endless difficulties.

On choosing a therapist have you seen Ken Singer's article on the site? You can read it here.

Much love,

Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)


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