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#195111 - 12/13/07 08:51 PM shame
thecoopstah Offline

Registered: 07/19/04
Posts: 589
Loc: massachusetts
Iv'e had to put up with shame all my life and now im in a fuckin relationship that almost reached(although it's still early and anything can happen) the breaking point and i'm always the one who seems to shut down as a result of my fiancee who has her own issues.

The northeast is being clobbered by heavy snow ,we're in the car for over 2 1/2 hours and i got to the point of no patience and frustrated i decided to roll down my window ever abruptly and told someone to pull up and blah blah fiancee looks over at me and says "you have a fuckin nerve" i'm telling you i wanted to spit right in her fuckin face but i kept my mouth shut.

She seems to think she didn't shame me i believe otherwise and she's not going to say whatever she likes,i've been shamed all my life and i told her i will not put up with it from you.

I am ready to throw in the towel(end the so called relationship) and call it a day i am tired of her saying the things she does and,according to her,then keep my mouth shut as though i have no right to say or think what i want.

Who knows why she has the ability(although it's a friggin copout)to say she's just fine when i know she's not but i could have easily told her to screw.

Anyway whatever.


Edited by thecoopstah (12/13/07 11:14 PM)
" You never know how strong you are until being strong is the only choice you have "

#195138 - 12/14/07 12:48 AM Re: shame [Re: thecoopstah]
BJK Offline

Registered: 08/02/07
Posts: 1526
I'm definitely not an expert on relationship issues, Coop, but I can definitely relate to being shamed all of our lives. We are a little more sensitive to the criticisms of others (a lot?) because of our past. When someone tells me I did something wrong, I get hurt inside. I will outwardly get defensive, but inside, I start reeling heavily looking for ways to perfect myself.


Revenge is nothing more than another way of perpetuating abuse.

What the world needs now
Is some new words of wisdom
Like la la la la la la la la la.
-David Lowery

Having a friend who will keep a secret for you is worthless compared to a friend who won't keep a secret from you.

#195672 - 12/17/07 07:51 PM Re: shame [Re: BJK]
Barney Offline

Registered: 07/31/06
Posts: 236
Loc: Southern Utah/Northern Arizon
In any relationship we have the right to be heard, listened, voice our concerns, etc. If that isn't happening then something needs to change. We got used to our needs and concerns being trampled on by those who abused us and maybe learned that what we wanted or needed didn't count.

I suggest you see a counselor together to see if your relationship can be saved and to see if it is right for you to be with this person. Sometimes a third person who is trained in relationship dynamics can see things we can't.

Good luck to you


#195673 - 12/17/07 08:08 PM Re: [Re: Barney]
bardo213 Offline

Registered: 11/21/07
Posts: 812

Edited by bardo213 (06/21/13 08:03 PM)

#195685 - 12/17/07 10:25 PM Re: shame [Re: bardo213]
Born to Resist Offline

Registered: 09/30/05
Posts: 269
Loc: Southern California, USA

Your feelings of shame are totally valid. We view the world through the lenses of our abuse and thus react to the world in our own way. These feelings are very valid. However, we may react as a child who has been abused or as an adult trying to effectively cope. When we are in child mode our actions may not be appropriate for the situation. Hopefully others treat us with respect as an adult ... this doesn't mean we get our way. My point is your feelings are always valid just remember to behavioraly react as an adult especially in non-theraputic situations.


#195736 - 12/18/07 03:14 AM Re: shame [Re: bardo213]
thecoopstah Offline

Registered: 07/19/04
Posts: 589
Loc: massachusetts
It seems like your relationship is going down the gutter

My relationship with lisa is truly fine i know i just need to find ways to deal with and talk about how i feel when I feel shamed....thank you and it gets better the longer we're together.


" You never know how strong you are until being strong is the only choice you have "


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