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#194972 - 12/12/07 05:49 PM Touch
FormerTexan Offline

Registered: 09/12/04
Posts: 12157
Loc: Denver, CO
While sitting in my cube, a coworker came by and greeted me with 3-4 pats on the side of my shoulder, not enough to make me jump, but the next best thing. He also strikes me as one of those machismo kinda guys, though easy to get along with. Most people at work just say hello to me.

I don't mind touch, in fact in many ways I welcome it. A good hug, a hand reassuringly placed on the shoulder, those kind of things. But I like to see them coming and not catch me off guard. Though I like to feel accepted by coworkers and such, this one caught me a bit off guard.


Edited by FormerTexan (12/12/07 07:09 PM)
Money talks, but all it tells me is goodbye.

If I could meet myself as a boy...

#194975 - 12/12/07 06:12 PM Re: Touch [Re: FormerTexan]
Still Offline

Registered: 02/16/07
Posts: 7011
Loc: FEMA Region 1
This seems to be a issue/sub-issue for survivors. Many of us HATE being touched. Even if I see it coming...even if I know its ok...I hate being touched. Not normal...I know...but I hate it. Some days I can't even stand for my kids to touch me. I just learn to grin and bare it so as to not seem too much like a freak in society.

A quick question for all. Are we unique in this touch aspect? I kind of always thought random touch amoung everyday people was rather taboo in our society.

#194981 - 12/12/07 06:37 PM Re: Touch [Re: Still]
BJK Offline

Registered: 08/02/07
Posts: 1526

I think your thoughts might be tainted by your abuse. I know mine are.

I always thought touch was taboo, but there are a lot of people whom I work with right now who are just touchy-feely. I am triggered heavily when I am touched when I'm not expecting it. One guy caught an elbow in the zyphoid process a few months back when he grabbed my shoulder from behind without warning me first (I now have a mirror and a buzzer to alert me when people are approaching).

However, if I know the touch is coming, I welcome it. In fact, I'll go one step further. Positive appropriate touch is something that, over the past few months, has evolved into something I crave and enjoy. It fills me with a warm fuzzy feeling that makes me feel alive.

A hug? Well, the only people who have ever hugged me are my sister's kids, and I'd trade anything in the world for the feeling of love that accompanies that.


Revenge is nothing more than another way of perpetuating abuse.

What the world needs now
Is some new words of wisdom
Like la la la la la la la la la.
-David Lowery

Having a friend who will keep a secret for you is worthless compared to a friend who won't keep a secret from you.

#194983 - 12/12/07 06:55 PM Re: Touch [Re: BJK]
AndyJB2005 Offline

Registered: 11/14/06
Posts: 1249
Loc: Minnesota
I have trouble with hugs, even if I'm expecting it. I don't jump or get triggered at someone touching me, but it just gets under my skin. Hugs, for me, seem to be just an uncomfortable feeling. It makes me feel icky and nervous. Even with my family.

About the only people I don't feel icky about touching or hugging, or them touching or hugging me, is my nephews. \:\)

Life's disappointments are harder to take when you don't know any swear words. -- Calvin (Calvin and Hobbes)

#194987 - 12/12/07 07:18 PM Re: Touch [Re: AndyJB2005]
mogigo Offline

Registered: 04/25/07
Posts: 1331
Loc: Colorado
Think I'll just avoid this topic for awhile guys \:\)



#194990 - 12/12/07 07:47 PM Re: Touch [Re: FormerTexan]
alexey Offline
Moderator Emeritus
Registered: 08/16/05
Posts: 1677
Loc: Moscow, Russia

I want to support you. I understand what you say.I have a girl coworker who likes to went from behind and touchmy back or belly. I don't like it every time. Sometimes my body seems to be on guard.

You can always dare to say that you don't like to be touched without your knowing it will happen.

Take care,

When you feel all alone and unhappy, turn to you Inner Child and talk to Him.
You will see He can comfort you like nothing else!

#194991 - 12/12/07 07:56 PM Re: Touch [Re: alexey]
MarkK Offline

Registered: 04/02/07
Posts: 2653
Loc: Denver, CO
ahem .. yes .. well, ask anyone in my support group - I don't even shake hands. one of the reasons I felt the group was ok to even try is one of their rules is "no touching without permission".

to date, I have two friends I will permit to shake hands or otherwise touch me. that's kinda sad. 52 years old and (outside wife and kids) two people who can touch me. interestingly enough - both men...

(and yes, if it's a business meeting - I will shake hands and fake a smile)

#194993 - 12/12/07 07:58 PM Re: Touch [Re: mogigo]
dark empathy Offline

Registered: 11/26/07
Posts: 2714
Loc: durham, north england
This is one thing I really want to get around, sinse I have a fairly big problem with pysical contact, affectionate or otherwise, and if I understand what is meant here by "Triggering" this is one thing that really does it for me, ---- particularly in certain areas, but being touced anywhere is something I'm pretty uncomfortable with most of the time.

Even with my family i'm relatively defensive about the pysical stuff, and generally it's something I submit to from them, and won't initiate, or be comfortable with myself.

I have one incredibly close female friend, ---- who's virtually my sister, who I am happy with pysical contact with, ---- in fact on the one occasion my dad saw us meet up, he said he could tell how close we are on the basis that we greeted eac other with a hug, and I was quite okay with this.

the only weerd thing is, that as a Vi person, physical contact from random people is something I have to deal with on a very frequent, everyday bases, sinse people have a stupide idea that asking me if I am alright getting somewhere automatically gives them the license to grab me by the arm or shoulder, put their arm through mine etc. I've even had people who only talk to me and start patting me on the shoulder or hand. this is bloody annoying, especially as I have to be bloody nice to them, sinse they are vaguely trying to be helpful, even if in an absolutely stupid way!

My usual response is to shrug people off, or move away, though on occasions, ---- depending upon how uncomfortable or scared I am, I've had slightly more extreme reactions, ---- brushing their hand off me slightly roughly and then walking off and turning my back.

I then feel really guilty.

I'd love to be able to be more happy with physical contact, from various people, this is something I'd really like some help working on.

#195007 - 12/12/07 10:49 PM Re: Touch [Re: FormerTexan]
frost Offline

Registered: 03/15/07
Posts: 1377
Loc: Eh?

I totally identify with what you're saying. I am often jumpy even with my wife. When I used to work in office settings, I dealt with very similar things. Oftentimes you can't rearrange a cube either to not have your back turned to the outside world. One thing I did which helped a lot is to have one of those rounded mirrors (like a security mirror in a store, but smaller) hung high on my cube wall. That enabled me to keep an eye on what was going on behind me so that at least I can brace for the incoming pat or tap.

As for helping you through hating touch -- I haven't found a way around that one yet. -- if you find a way let me know! I have days where I can't even hold my wife's hand without wanting to crawl out of my skin and hide under a rock.

All the best,


#195009 - 12/12/07 11:11 PM Re: Touch [Re: frost]

Registered: 02/13/04
Posts: 983
i have problems with people touching me . I just do not like it
But that is just me .



"All I can do is be me, whoever that is"

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