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#194669 - 12/10/07 04:46 PM Need Everyones Help...Abuser thinks he was Abused
Amanda_D Offline

Registered: 10/30/07
Posts: 62
Loc: Great Lakes State Michigan is ...
My husbands brother has no memory of being abused,,,however I think he strongly feels there is a possiblity.

My husband and him talked this past Saturday. Went very well. His brother showed remorse for what he did. And showed he was very sorry. Went way better then I thought it would.

So in the conversation my husband asked him, why he did it?
It was very hard for him to answer this question. All along my husband and I were thinking of the possibility, that he himself was abused.

So my husband asked him if he thinks he was abused. His brother said he had no memory.....of anything ever happening to him. However said it was possible.

Today he is going to the Theripist with my husband. He had Told my husband he would do anything to help.

This morning he called my husband, saying he could not come..... But then called back later and said he would. He says he knows if he goes he is "going to remember a face, or name" and he was emotional

Why would he say this unless he has a feeling that it really did happen?

He also said during the course of him being here and talking with my husband "is that a can of worms I want to open"

I just wonder if he knows it happend, but does not want to remember. Of course who would want to right?

Anyways, I don't know what the meeting with the theripist will bring out in him.

I told him abou this site and how it has helped us so much.

I also emailed him and told him I was going to make a post for him.

So here it is....please survivors friends and family. Say anything you wish to him. I plan either sending him the link or printing it out. Depends on how he wants it. I know he will read it.. I gave him the book "victims no longer" and I a pretty sure he read the section about memory. That is where I put the bookmark for him...I don't know...but I think he wants to know...but is very scared.

My husband and his brother have been close all these has only been 9 months that my husband has not talked to him since he started to deal with his recovery. Now that they have talked, this may be the very thing in helping them both to heal.

Yes this man abused my husband, but if you knew him you would never think he would be capable of doing such a thing. That is what hurts me the most. I do care about him.

So thanks ahead of time to all of your responses...I will give you and update...also if you have any helpful advise for my husband and I. I would very much apreciate it. We are knowledgable about recovery,,,however now this is a whole new ballgame...being my husbands brother may have been abused.

Edited by Amanda_D (12/10/07 04:50 PM)
"Just Breath" Your here and that makes all the difference!.....(wife of a surviver, trying to survive as well!) Here to get some answers and support...Here to do what I can to be a hearing ear.....Thankyou to all of you, ahead of time!

#194680 - 12/10/07 05:46 PM Re: Need Everyones Help...Abuser thinks he was Abused [Re: Amanda_D]
James_dup1 Offline

Registered: 04/13/02
Posts: 1332
Loc: Wyoming

It's not very common for the perp to step forward and tell his vic that he's willing to help in his recovery. Now the question is this "Is he willing to do the hard part?" The parts where your hubby is going to get mad and want to tell him such. Is he willing to stand there and "hear" how much pain and hurt and such his actions have caused.

Now if there is abouse in his background then he will understand the pain Sam is going through. But "if' there is abuse and it starts to come out for him he may be unable to support Sam in his recovery because he will be dealing with his own emotions from hideing his abuse for so many years. So it may throw his world into a tail spin till he gets a grip on this.

This is going to be a very hard time for everyone of you. Sam for haveing his abuser step up and say sorry, you for seeing the pain Sam and his brother go through, the brother for trying to face not only his abuse but the guilt from what he has done to his own brother.

Not sure this helps just my thoughts on it. I am sure there are accounts of perps and vic's being able to heal and move forward in there lives. But I am also just as sure that at times it will feel as if it's impossable to do that. Just keep your faith strong and your family will get threw this.


I have more issues than Rolling Stone!

#194776 - 12/11/07 12:53 PM Re: Need Everyones Help...Abuser thinks he was Abu [Re: James_dup1]
indygal Offline

Registered: 06/22/06
Posts: 439

while my heart goes out to you truly, i think you are better off asking survivors their opinion on this point - they are ultimately the ones, IMO (only) to be able to have the say in this kind of a situation.

fnf - well - we are stretched so thin already and have the unique position of actually realizing the hurt and fall out of csa - as we watch those we love suffer needlessly.

now, all that aside, it's been my own personal experience that victimizers aren't always that pleased when the victim stops and breaks out of the victim role. maybe at first, but when the victimizer realizes the fact the victim is standing there saying i'm not your victim anymore, well, as james said, there's work to be done on both sides and not everyone is ready for that. sometimes people just want to keep the status quo, you know?

so whatever you do i hope you don't let any of this sidetrack from you and your husband and family - they have GOT to come first, ok?

((((((((really big hug))))))))))

i think you have incredible courage, really.


my avatar is one of the Battle Angel characters, fighting the good fight.

#194785 - 12/11/07 02:33 PM Re: Need Everyones Help...Abuser thinks he was Abu [Re: indygal]
Still Offline

Registered: 02/16/07
Posts: 7011
Loc: FEMA Region 1
To Sam's Brother,

Sexual abuse began when I was 7.5 years old, by 4 older boys in the nieghborhood. It went on under force and coercion till I was 10 years old and continued as very heavy acting-out until I was 14. My life has been a complete train wreck, with isolated incedents of worldy success.

I use to lump all abusers into one homogenous category of "evil fkg bastards." However, I've come to realize that there's this one category that I've not previously considered...I've even met some of these guys. That is, those who were abused at some time in childhood and then "reacted" in a manner so as to involve (and hurt) another child.

In my years of acting out, I targeted older, teen boys. That was just my preference and I knew I had sexual power with/over them. But I frequently ponder "what if I had targeted younger ones?" That scares the living hell out of me...cuz I know how it would have gone.

Let me just say that I'm incredibly encouraged and impressed by your efforts here with Sam. You've got character sir!

Its not for ME to forgive you or not forgive you. Only Sam and God can do that. I know one of them will if you ask him to. I dont know about the other.

I hope you find some answers. If you discover you were abused (or finally face it), I hope you seek and find help. There's nothing keeping you from joining-in here at MS if that's the case. You would be welcomed by me.


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