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#194373 - 12/08/07 03:15 PM Re: Time to deal with things! [Re: dark empathy]
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA

This is a hugely important observation:

Originally Posted By: dark empathy
Oh, and about the courageous thing, you've put me in a bit of a dilemma. It is a term I would use to describe anyone else on this forum given what people have been through.

I certainly am not though, not with the amount of fear I tend to feel everytime I go near certain things.

A brave man often still feels fear; but he goes ahead and acts despite his fear, and this is what you have been doing.

But what's really important here is the way you acknowledge the courage of everyone here but yourself. We all do that in some way or another: everyone but me is innocent, everyone but me is worthwhile and special, etc.

What's going on here is that our bad feelings from abuse are almost all bad feelings about ourselves. For example, I can easily look at you, Laz, Rob, and the others and see a million positive things about you guys - those things are there...they're real! And I'm not prevented from seeing them by my bad feelings, since MY bad feelings aren't about YOU guys...they're about ME. It's only when I look at myself that my ability to see and understand gets messed up.

That's one of the real challenges we face in our recovery: to accept the fact that we really are as special, interesting, important and worthwhile as all the other thousands of guys who come here.

Much love,

Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)

#194401 - 12/08/07 05:12 PM Re: Time to deal with things! [Re: dark empathy]
alexey Offline
Moderator Emeritus
Registered: 08/16/05
Posts: 1677
Loc: Moscow, Russia

I am glad you could share with your best friend. It is a huge step forward, if yo feel like this.

For survivors it is very important to get slowly out of their shell and try something new and safe. Finding a good T who wilhelp you both physically open up and strengthen emotionally to face your issues and fears is also a great help to you.

It is a happy thought to me to know that after interracting with guys at MS you have moved so far. )


When you feel all alone and unhappy, turn to you Inner Child and talk to Him.
You will see He can comfort you like nothing else!

#194943 - 12/12/07 01:11 PM Re: Time to deal with things! [Re: alexey]
dark empathy Offline

Registered: 11/26/07
Posts: 2687
Loc: durham, north england
Hi Alixey, Laz and co, appologies for the late reply, i had to dash home for a bit, and didn't take my laptop.

The idea that I need a Therapist is something I've been finding hard to accept. I went through four years of fairly major depression and other stuff while doing my A-levels and in the first year of uni. Sinse then though I've been thinking "I'm fine, okay, i know these things happened to me, I know their effects, i know exactly ow they make me feel, I can live with that" and I've tried to concentrate on getting on with other things. Admittedly I've ad a few bad days, but doesn't everyone? And anyway, I ave no business going to pieces for no reason, and throwing my problems on other people. It wasn't until very recently I suddenly discovered I wasn't as fine as I thought I was. I am finding te idea that I need to speak to a professional slightly ddifficult, but on the other hand, I do want to deal with things.

About the courage business, well it's just not a word I'd use about myself. I'm very used (ad slightly proud), of thinking tat I am a fairly immotional and compassionate person. I understand completely what people say about courage, but it's just not something that I'd think of in terms of myself. Independence, or determination is about as far as I'd go.

Interestingly enough, the other day I was discussing a test I took online to determine my dungeions and dragons character stats with a friend of mine. I thought they were pretty accurate, particularly the below average charisma, (the stat dealing with both physical appearence and force of personality and will), where as my friend was insistant my charisma should be much higher.

As for the Vi people thing, I can see where your going with this Laz, but it's more a matter of evaluation than anything I think about myself. A long time ago I decided that I was me, myself, and all facts such as being male, being Vi, being five foot nine, where contingent to my identity, not necessary to it. To put this slightly less academically, they are merely facts about me with varying levels of significance, rater tan ways I define or think of myself, my viewpoints, my thoughts or anything else. In fact I become quite offended if people attempt to catagorize me in any way. I'm not saying these facts are not true, or trying to defy them, I'm only saying they are part of me, not me part of them. this is sort of the opposite to the extreme feminist idea that there is a one specific male, and one specific female point of view, wich belong solely to men and women (but if we get onto gender issues this post will become very! long).

anyway, as far as Vi people go, my objections are far more involved with cleaquey type life styl, only associating with other Vi people, and other issues to do with dependence on others, ---- often when unnecessary. To take one example, I am fairly heavily involved with certain movements to make computer games accessible to vi and blind people, (I'm a news poster for for example). Several people on that forum argued that the recent Wii sports games were highly accessible to people playing without vision sinse tey involve swinging the wii controller around in motions that may be learnt. I noted however, that it is absolutely impossible to play the wii games without someone to completely load up the game, and read the appropriate score and results of the game and thus they are totally inaccessible without assistance. I recieved the reply tat there should always be someone there to provide assistance.

this is the sort of atitude I don't like, the atitude of Vi people as a descrete group, charactorized by visual problems, and at the same time completely unwilling to relinquish help from others where possible. I'm not saying help is always a bad thing, there are situations where it's necessary, but quite a bit of the time it isn't, especially if the person involved is willing to learn a litle, ---- particularly in matters like mobility and domestic stuff.

apologies for the long wrant, my Phd is actually on disability, so these are issues I've been considdering quite a bit at the moment.

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