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#193530 - 12/03/07 08:04 AM Love, rejection and holding hands
dark empathy Offline

Registered: 11/26/07
Posts: 2695
Loc: durham, north england
This is to vaguely explain wy I'm here, and also to ask for any thoughts people might have.

Various things happened to me at secondary scool betwene the ages of 12 and 15, ---- which I might talk about at some other point, but not at the second. Because of those things though, I was left with a number of hang ups which I generally tried to get through in the next few years, while doing my A-levels at a different scool, and in the first year of university.

I had moments of fairly extreme depression for no reason, as well as problems with ways of speaking, and certain sites. I couldn't for example stand anyone swearing nere me, much less talking explicitely about certain things. I'd frequently skip past any even remotely suggestive content in books, much less films, and I felt a profound hatred for my local accent, and single handedly removed it from the way I speak.

Now, people tell me I have an incredibly upper class speaking voice, this is entirely due to efforts on my part, ----- though part of it might come from singing diction I suppose.

well anyway I got through all of this, but one hang up I stil have is I really am not comfortable with physical contact. I'll exchange hugs with my mother on occasions, and there is one friend as close to me as a sister who I've hugged, but anything with anyone else ---- forget it.

sinse I am visually impared, people often seem to feel the need to grab hold of me in some way or other. My usual response is to shrug such things off, in a fairly serious way. On the occasions I needd to hold someone's arm I do it wit three finger tips on their elbo.

Despite this I do tend to meet reasonable people and make friends. There is one female friend who I think of as a sister, who I've exchanged hugs with on occasions, ----- though only after knowing her fairly closely for several months, living in the same uni accommodation. but she's generally an exception to the rule.

Conversely though, I do have a tendency to fall in love, roughly once a year. Though the girls involved have been very different in looks, they have all had several things in common. they are always people I'm friends with, people I share interests with and can talk to. they always have a good sense of humer, and a large amount of empathy and general kindness. I can't say exactly what distinguishes them from some of my female friends who fit this de>

Edited by dark empathy (12/03/07 08:17 AM)

#193782 - 12/04/07 09:10 PM Re: Love, rejection and holding hands [Re: dark empathy]
lostcowboy Offline

Registered: 11/10/04
Posts: 798
Loc: Rhode Island
Hi dark empathy, while you are bummed out by this.
We continued with drink, and just before I had to leave she told me that she'd worked out the way I felt from how I'd taken her hand, and though she always wanted to be friends with me ----- her heart was already given.

I broke into floods of tears, and the first thing she did was put her aarms around me and let me cry on her shoulder. for once, ---- I didn't mind. A few minutes Later I managed to compose myself, and then left.

I spent the entire night awake worrying about how she felt, and wat she must tink of me, and eventually phoned her at 9 in the morning, offering to break contact with her completely if she wanted me to. As I knew she would, she insisted that we stay friends.

This could be a opportunity in the making, as you become better friends with her she could breakup with the other guy. But while you are waiting for that, you can ask her if she has any single friends that you could date. Tell her that you are not ready to go steady right now, but would like to just date a bunch of girls. This may help with your shyness.

Take care,

"Don't walk in front of me, I may not follow. Don't walk behind me, I may not lead. Just walk beside me and be my friend." - Albert Camus
Pretty much my life as I have posted so far. Triggers!

#193878 - 12/05/07 01:36 PM Re: Love, rejection and holding hands [Re: lostcowboy]
dark empathy Offline

Registered: 11/26/07
Posts: 2695
Loc: durham, north england
with respect, not a helpful answer. I am quite happy making female friends, but that is it, ----- friends!

Also I am not comfortable with language such as "Dating" or "Steady" sinse it implies lack of imotion and shallowness to me.

Appologies if this is merely my reading of the situation.

I don't think I expressed myself quite as well in this thread as I could have done, ---- please see the "my story" thread for more details.

Once more, thanks for the advice, but I'm very sorry it is actually unhelpful and I find it slightly upsetting, ---- though I know this was obviously not your intention.

Edited by dark empathy (12/05/07 01:52 PM)

#193911 - 12/05/07 07:01 PM Re: Love, rejection and holding hands [Re: dark empathy]
alexey Offline
Moderator Emeritus
Registered: 08/16/05
Posts: 1677
Loc: Moscow, Russia

It is sad, but it happens and the more experience with girls you will have the more you will understand whom you will really need.

Remember to take care of yourself, firstly. No one would be glad to see you out of good mood because of heartbreaking relationships, but still continue to go out with ladies.


When you feel all alone and unhappy, turn to you Inner Child and talk to Him.
You will see He can comfort you like nothing else!

#194203 - 12/07/07 11:27 AM Re: Love, rejection and holding hands [Re: alexey]
dark empathy Offline

Registered: 11/26/07
Posts: 2695
Loc: durham, north england
Thanks alexey. This recent occurrence has shaken me quite a lot, and I've been doing a lot of serious thinking over the past few days.

It took me four years to actually admit to myself that I felt something more than friendship for any girl.

After two very painful experiences (one in the last year of my A-levels, another in the first year of uni), I resolved to cut my feelings off the minute I found out said person had a boyfriend. I also always assumed that my feelings were entirely one way, and were an imposition upon said person.

What I've now realized though, is that I've been using this as an excuse, sinse actually very few people in their early 20's have highly perminant boyfriends, and I've just been hiding from possible consequences I'm afraid of, despite the fact that I do want to be loved, and in a more serious way than I have with my friends, ---- and that part of that desire is physical.

It's recently been bothering me a lot, that the physically closest anyone ever been to me was such a profoundly horrible experience, i've been wondering what must be wrong with me. My friend said I'm looking at it the wrong way around, sinse people will pick up, ---- even when i'm not overt about it, my issues with physical contact and affection, and thus it won't appear as fun, light or immotionally satisfying as it would with another person, ---- even for people who might perhaps have feelings for me.

then, he said he's fairly certain that all the people I've had feelings for, did genuinely feel something for me, and I wasn't just deluding myself. He said even though he as an incredibly perminant girlfriend (they've been living together for 7 years and are getting married next year), e stil meets people he has feelings for, and it shows through, despite the fact that he's incredibly close to his girlfriend.

appologies if this is the wrong way around, but I'll report on the conversation with my friend in another thread, it was just easier to do things this way.


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