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#194011 - 12/06/07 09:22 AM death
Jarrad Offline

Registered: 10/27/06
Posts: 1071
Loc: arizona
this is kind of a weird post for this site i guess but i will give it a shot anyway.

a lot of you guys know that I am HIV+. there have been a couple of times that i wasn't doing too well and was fearful that i was done. i have a lot of questions surrounding death and no one has really talked to me about it. when i bring it up, i always get "you aren't dying. dont worry about it." but the things i have questions about are not so much as "what happens after you die." because really no one knows for sure. but there are questions that can be answered. i have been to very few funerals. i dont know how to plan one. i dont know anything about a will. do i need one? cremation versus a box in the ground? i think these things are important and nessisary but no one really will take the time to just talk to me about it. adn who takes care of everything if i dont have a family?

#194018 - 12/06/07 09:52 AM Re: death [Re: Jarrad]
FormerTexan Offline

Site Administrator

Registered: 09/12/04
Posts: 11996
Loc: Denver, CO

This can be an awkward subject and I suspect many fear coming across as calloused in their approach. Many may not wish to discuss it since it implies there is no hope they can offer. It sounds here though that you are simply asking informational questions.

I think a will is not a bad idea. Being single with no kids, I often wonder who I will leave all my stuff to when its my time to go. There are a couple kids in town whom I love and want to make their lives easier come my time to go. They can take my assets, sell them off, and use the funds to further their lives in some way. Do you know anyone in a similar fashion?

I plan to go for cremation since I understand it is the least inexpensive method of "burial." I figure whoever has to take care of that, why take a piece of land when it's cheaper to do a cremation? Perhaps a memorial stone at the local cemetary, but otherwise I don't plan on burial.



Money talks, but all it tells me is goodbye.

If I could meet myself as a boy...

#194023 - 12/06/07 10:27 AM Re: death [Re: FormerTexan]
AJC Offline

Registered: 04/01/07
Posts: 108
Loc: Illinois, USA

Some type of will is needed if you don't want the state to dictate what happens to your personal assets / belongings. As for your remains, I believe that if nobody claims them, the state buries the body.

In Virginia, for example, once a body is declared unclaimed, the local sheriff's department arranges for a state burial.
The state provides $1,875 for a cloth-covered pine casket and burial plot.

If you don't have a family to cover the costs of a private funeral, your will can dictate what happens to your remains. There are websites that can also answer some of these questions for you.

Everyone should consider these things, not just those who are ill, elderly, or whatnot. I might get hit by a bus on my way home today - without a will - a lot of things will be more complicated for those that survive me.


#194024 - 12/06/07 10:30 AM Re: death [Re: AJC]
sabata Offline

Registered: 08/08/06
Posts: 1950
if there is no one who survies by me-------------who cares

#194052 - 12/06/07 11:47 AM Re: death [Re: sabata]
dannym Offline

Registered: 03/24/07
Posts: 543
Loc: Boulder, Colorado
Once again, Jarrad, bravo to you - this is a hard subject for so many, but we are ALL going to die eventually. I think planning for what you want is a great idea. I have a friend who is a ChildLife Specialist - she works in a chidren's hospital - one of her jobs is to sit with terminally ill kids and plan their funerals - she says it is so great, because the kids all have specific ideas of what they would like... what kind of music, where it's going to be held, etc.

I think if you do not have a lot of assests, getting a will drawn up is pretty reasonible... and in that you can have a living will - what you want done as far as life sustaining measures in case you are not capable of making those wants known - it will help friends know what you want if those decisions become necessary.

Thanks again for bringing this up - we are all working hard on getting male sexaul abuse out of the shadows, helping gays and lesbians be more excepted, but we forget one of the biggest taboos of our culture is death...


"You should listen to your heart, and not the voices in your head."

Marge Simpson

#194060 - 12/06/07 12:04 PM Re: death [Re: dannym]
Still Offline

Registered: 02/16/07
Posts: 7011
Loc: FEMA Region 1
Originally Posted By: dannym
I have a friend who is a ChildLife Specialist - she works in a chidren's hospital - one of her jobs is to sit with terminally ill kids and plan their funerals

OK....I'm ready to pass-out from just reading her job de>

#194064 - 12/06/07 12:23 PM Re: death [Re: Still]
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA

Issues like a funeral and cremation/burial are such personal matters I doubt anyone could really advise you in any detail. In the gay community, however, there must be guys who have had to go through funeral arrangements for partners or friends and could give you some ideas.

My sister's neighbors were two great gay guys, and one was dying of cancer (he died in the spring). As I recall, they discussed funeral arrangements in advance and it helped the cancer victim a lot to participate in deciding what should be done. He was a playwright and artist and his funeral was full of little personal touches and ideas; it did a lot to help his friends and partner come to terms with their grief.

But certainly you should have a will, even if you are single and have no obvious heirs. If you have a will it's you who decides what will happen to any assets you may leave behind. At the very least you could name a charity that you appreciate and say that everything should go to them.

Much love,

Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)

#194083 - 12/06/07 01:20 PM Re: death [Re: roadrunner]
alexey Offline
Moderator Emeritus
Registered: 08/16/05
Posts: 1674
Loc: Moscow, Russia
I can't say much as I live in another country with our unique customs etc.

We in big cities prefer cremation because it is MUCH chipper...


When you feel all alone and unhappy, turn to you Inner Child and talk to Him.
You will see He can comfort you like nothing else!

#194087 - 12/06/07 01:32 PM Re: death [Re: alexey]
Hauser Offline

Registered: 11/12/05
Posts: 2963
Loc: United States
I want a Viking Funeral.

Ok seriously, I think Andy's initial reply was a good start for consideration of your options. Here is an excerpt from some links that I have offered at the bottom:

What are your final wishes?

You should already have a will and a Power of Attorney or Living Will, but have you thought about who will handle important financial matters and what your wishes are in the event of your death?

Clark suggests that you write a letter to your family, typically addressed to your spouse (usually the executor of your will). You may also want to address the letter to your children, particularly if they are the primary beneficiaries of your estate. This letter is meant to provide assistance and guidance to your family regarding items not covered in your will. It will not change your will. Here are some points to cover in your letter:

1. Funeral and burial arrangements: Where, by whom, what kind, and at what cost?

2. Anatomical gifts: Identify the nature and location of any anatomical gift declarations you have made.

3. Memorials and contributions: Identify what organizations or institutions might be appropriate recipients of memorials or charitable donations made in your memory.

4. Preparation of obituary: Should your obituary be prepared in advance and be updated periodically? To which newspaper should it be sent?

5. Notifications of friends, relatives, business associates, and colleagues in charitable or civic groups. Identify those persons to be contracted upon your death, noting any particular requests or messages to be given, and listing their current addresses and phone numbers.

6. Location of your safe-deposit box and its key.

7. Location of your will and estate planning documents: Include any trusts, buy sell agreements, or extraneous writings incorporated in your will.

8. Medical and hospital coverages and location of the policies.

9. Social Security and Veterans Administration benefits: Identify current or potential benefits.

10. Life insurance: Indicate where policies are located and what steps should be taken to collect policy proceeds.

11. Location and explanation of title documents and other records relating to your assets. Include deeds, stocks, bonds, bank accounts and deposits, retirement plans, and vehicle

12. Identify obligations involving periodic payments, such as your home mortgage, car loans, and other debts, including amount and to whom payable.

13. Identify your attorney and professional advisers (including your accountant, broker, trust officer, and insurance agent) who you currently use or recommend.

14. Key employees and business friends to keep business operating until sale. The value of an ongoing business is much greater than a closed one!

#194148 - 12/06/07 07:58 PM Re: death [Re: Hauser]
Jarrad Offline

Registered: 10/27/06
Posts: 1071
Loc: arizona
thanks guys. yeah i had no clue. i dont have a will because i dont really have anything of super value. like i dont own a house or anything. but i do have all the shit that andy listed in different places. it would be really helpful i think to collect it all and keep it in one organized folder or something. that is totally doable.

to draft up a will, that involved going to a lawyer right? i mean, i cant just sit down and write "i want my computer to go to so and so" because it needs to be "legal?"

thanks for the help on this. i really appreciate it.

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