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#193538 - 12/03/07 10:39 AM Watching

Registered: 08/12/07
Posts: 1298
I sit here watching people go about there lives, looking out the window at all the people going past. I see couples smiling and holding hands, children walking with parents. The children jumping and running around, with caring parents making sure they dont run into the road.
A mother goes by and her baby drops a toy out of the pram, the mother stops and picks up the toy. Brushing dirt from the toy and giving it back to the baby with smiling face and soothing words.
A dad and his son come out of the shop and the father opens a bag of sweets and hands it to a happy son. All these people caring and looking out for the children.
I look at the kids in nice clean clothes and see their happy faces, no shadow of pain or hurt on their tiny faces. Looking at mum and dad with trusting and open faces. Eyes bright at the world.
I read the local paper about a father and his son, the son got swept into the sea and without a thought for his own safety, the father dives in to save his son. Another father who was at the beach with his kids follows the father into the sea. The child is saved but the father is swept out to sea, and drowns. Both these dads did not think about anything except saving the small boy.
Here i sit watching the world go past my window and i dont feel love or remember my dad with happy thoughts. All i feel is a black void, a void of intense hate. It feels like i will burst into flames with hate.
No loving father for me, no father to give me sweets or rescue me.
The pain and suffering echoes from the past, consuming me with empty hate and anger.
So i will just sit here and watch the world go past my window.

#193541 - 12/03/07 10:52 AM Re: Watching [Re: SEVEN ARROWS]
sabata Offline

Registered: 08/08/06
Posts: 1950
Seven Arrows---------------sorry------------i feel your pain-------------------i see the same thing--------------i hope it gets better for you------------------------my heart is broken----------------------------its tough and bull shit--------------i hope you find that love you need-------------------steve

#193551 - 12/03/07 01:13 PM Re: Watching [Re: sabata]
dark empathy Offline

Registered: 11/26/07
Posts: 2712
Loc: durham, north england
My thoughts are with you on this one seven arrows. though my circumstances are rather different, some things you said deffinately resonated with me.

#193576 - 12/03/07 04:41 PM Re: Watching [Re: SEVEN ARROWS]
thesun3 Offline

Registered: 11/06/07
Posts: 49
Hello Seven arrows....sorry you're hurting. The images you described are both touching and sad. I believe the images can be a source of healing. Although you feel hate and anger, your mind is able to take in what a good father can be or could have been.
Take care Friend.

In the depth of winter, I finally learned that within me there lay an invincible summer.

#193589 - 12/03/07 06:33 PM Re: Watching [Re: thesun3]
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA
Seven Arrows,

I so entirely understand what you are saying. I think we have all spent at least some time looking at things in this same way: after all, don't we have a RIGHT to wonder why things were different for us?

The answer is that yes, of course we do have that right. No one can EVER take away our right to rage at the injustice done to us. That is carved in stone, now and forever.

The question, however, is this: does that help us? Does it help me, for example, to look at so many other boys in my Boy Scout troop who were spared what I had to go through? Not really. They were lucky. I was not.

What has been decisive for me, Seven, is to ask myself this: Why should I devote one more second to the abuser who harmed me all those years ago? Yes, he brutalized and terrorized me. Yes, it was a wrong beyond any reckoning or repayment. But if I allow myself to DWELL on these terrors of the past, what I am doing is basically giving the abuser a free ticket to keep harming me even now, long after the abuse itself ended, and (in my case) even when the abuser is rotting in a grave somewhere pushing up weeds. WHY should I give him that power and control over me and my future?

I know this isn't an easy approach to adopt. It takes time. Hell, it took me a LONG time. But you know what? It was worth it. Because I AM WORTH IT. And so are you, my friend.

Much love,

Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)

#193590 - 12/03/07 06:36 PM Re: Watching [Re: thesun3]

Registered: 08/12/07
Posts: 1298
Dark empathy

Thank-you all for your words. Everywhere i look i see acts of kindness and love, but each act is tainted with the pain i feel inside.
I just want to get this pain and anger out of me, but i think its here for good. Everything i do and every thought is over shadowed by ghosts of my childhood.
Just behind my eyes the pressure builds, i want to curl up and cry, but i cant.
Its killing me, im so mixed up with my thoughts bouncing all over the place. I feel the anger like a second skin enfolding me. I have to keep shoving it back down i cant let it loose. I just want to smash the shit out of something scream, shout and curse my very existence.
There is a constant silent scream running through my head. Constant and never changing, im so tired of all the crap and being kicked down again and again.
Sorry for venting like this but i have to get it out and thats what this site is for.......

Thankyou larry, one day i hope to be able to let it all go and just be me. Thankyou.

Edited by SEVEN ARROWS (12/03/07 06:38 PM)

#193602 - 12/03/07 07:55 PM Re: Watching [Re: SEVEN ARROWS]
alexey Offline
Moderator Emeritus
Registered: 08/16/05
Posts: 1677
Loc: Moscow, Russia

I also listen to your words and I can feel what you described. It will pass with time, but not instanteousy. You will be more happy, I know. )

Take care and do not beat yourself up.


When you feel all alone and unhappy, turn to you Inner Child and talk to Him.
You will see He can comfort you like nothing else!

#193612 - 12/03/07 09:15 PM Re: Watching [Re: SEVEN ARROWS]
Lazarus Offline

Registered: 07/01/07
Posts: 851
Loc: Below the radar, USA
Seven Arrows;

Yes, the anger and pain you feel is palpable.

Originally Posted By: SEVEN ARROWS
I just want to smash the shit out of something scream, shout and curse my very existence.

And no one here will blame you for that feeling. But perhaps it's not you or your existance that you should curse, but your abuser and his existance. Curse him, damn him, smash the shit out of anger for what he did to you.

But please don't curse yourself. You don't deserve that.


"That which does not kill us, surely makes us stonger." - Neitsche

#193710 - 12/04/07 10:09 AM Re: Watching [Re: Lazarus]

Registered: 08/12/07
Posts: 1298
I'm sorry to everyone on this site if i sound all negative and very down.
Its just that two doctors have signed me off sick and the primary mental health care nurse has put me on the waiting list, to see a psychiatrist, who will take over my counseling and meds.
I have been told i need long term help with many issues arising from my abuse.
Now the state says that because my wife earns a bit more than the set limit, i am not entitled to any financial help from the state.
Im on long term sick because i lost my job over, loss of working days. I get very frightened and scared at times and cant leave the flat, i got angry with co workers for no reason, i could not remember simple information and became very forgetful. I also dissociated several times and this was not safe in the work environment.
Both my counselor and the primary mental health care nurse have both said that it looks like I'm suffering from PTSD and the doctor and primary mental health care nurse have said i could be bipolar, this is one of the reasons why I'm on the waiting list for the psychiatrist. So for now all ive been given is Mirtazapine, because the doctor does not want to give me anything else, in case it clouds the issue when i see the psychiatrist.
So i just sit here waiting for the appointment, and slowly bit by bit get worse. Thats what it feels like to me. There is no middle ground.
Im either very happy verging on hyper or im very down and have to force myself to do anything, the down time is getting longer.
Im trying to keep it together and wait until i see the psychiatrist, but its hard and now i might be facing losing my home.
This is putting so much pressure on me and my marriage, it just seems whatever i do it just gets worse.
I hope im not annoying anyone, i kept away from the MS site for a few days. Because it got very bad, and i hate dumping all my shit on everyone here. Sorry but also thank you for listening.

#193929 - 12/05/07 09:46 PM Re: Watching [Re: SEVEN ARROWS]

Registered: 08/12/07
Posts: 1298
Sorry but fuck it.

Got the letter of confirmation today, im not entitled to incapacity benefit. I knew it was coming, but now its final with a big fucking F.
So now im on my own yet again, i got the letter just as i was going out the door to see my counselor. What a fucking good start to the day.
I had to stop my session early, i was just getting more and more angry. I nearly lost it big fucking time with the T. Had to run out of his office before i went completely insane. I was ready to kick some bastards head in. I just stood in the rain and felt like i wanted to explode.
But hey sod it, the government that i served in the army and in the home office has said fuck you.
I can apply again nexted year, oh goody i will be homeless by then. Im always in a state of anger its getting hard to think straight. I have to keep pushing the anger down. Sorry for moaning but i no longer know what the fuck to do.............


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