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#193021 - 11/28/07 08:42 PM (personal) need help connecting w/ S/O in bedroom
lia Offline
New Here

Registered: 11/28/07
Posts: 2
Hi, my boyfriend is a survivor and I am here on this site to learn about that experience so I can be a little more understanding. He is amazingly kind and sweet except in the bedroom, where everything has to be his way or he gets turned off. His way is really rough and not only causes me to get sore, but leaves me feeling left out. Whenever I try to show him what I like (because it has been unsatisfying for me) he has some excuse to stop. Sometimes when we fight about it (the only thing we fight about), he says things like I made him lose his sexual desire.

I don't know if this makes sense to any of you or if you could help me make some sense of it. I really want to connect with him, but sometimes it is almost like he is involved in his own compulsive ritual. It feels like he has to act what he thinks is masculine to make up for what he went through.

Edited by lia (11/28/07 08:59 PM)

#193051 - 11/29/07 01:58 AM Re: (personal) need help connecting w/ S/O in bedroom [Re: lia]
Ken Singer, LCSW Offline

Registered: 08/24/00
Posts: 5781
Loc: Lyons, CO USA
It sounds like the sexual abuse has affected the sexual>
Blissfully retired after 35 years treating sexual abuse

#193160 - 11/29/07 06:38 PM Re: (personal) need help connecting w/ S/O in bedroom [Re: Ken Singer, LCSW]
lia Offline
New Here

Registered: 11/28/07
Posts: 2
Thank you for your comments, Ken.

I got my boyfriend to try therapy last Fall for a few months and he said it made him depressed and he won't continue. He also denies that the abuse, which lasted several years, has any effect at all on him.

I really don't know how to reach him without being emasculating, and I'm a little tired of his distance. I guess I could see if he will come with me to my therapy, since he has done that before.

Do any of you know of any books or resources that would be helpful to me in learning how to give him a supportive atmosphere to support healing?


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