You're most welcome.
Heavy stuff often doesn't process well, at least not right away; it's not easy to work with an idea that requires us to change the basic way we think about something.
There is no way to know what would or would not have happened to you had this or that circumstance in your life been different. We will never get the answers to the "what if" questions, since if one thing had been changed that could have affected a thousand others in ways we can never predict.
You make an interesting point about believing things and making sense of them. Can I suggest that these two are different and a normal part of our healing?
Imagine yourself going to visit a friend who lives on the other side of a pond. It's February and the temperature hasn't been above 0 degrees F since Christmas; the pond is probably frozen solid. And if you cut across the pond instead of walking around, you will save 20 minutes getting to your friend's house.
Intellectually you "know" the pond is safe; it HAS to be frozen deep enough for you to walk across, and you have seen others doing precisely that. BUT...it's late afternoon, the light is fading, and no one is in sight. What will come to your mind? You will probably think that if you cross halfway and go through the ice at a deep spot in the pond, you're screwed!
What's happening here is that your knowledge about the situation, however certain it may feel, isn't something you are willing to believe in yet. You aren't willing to trust
that knowledge and use it as a tool in your life; too much is at stake - your survival - if you are wrong!
Much of what we do in recovery is like that. We "know" something to be true and figure that's enough. It isn't! We have to press on and learn to trust that truth and learn how we can use it. I think this process has a lot of bearing on the situation you are addressing in this thread.