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#192514 - 11/25/07 01:44 AM struggling with the inner demons
thecoopstah Offline

Registered: 07/19/04
Posts: 589
Loc: massachusetts
Lately my life has been amazing and i am actually looking forward to the holidays and it's so nice.

however lately i've been really confused and filled with fear because this is the first time i have been this happy and sharing my life with someone i am so in love with.

My point is the chaos and fear that goes on in my head makes me nuts thereby the behavior i exhibit pushes the people in my life as a result of my choices away and although i desperately want people in my life,i desire companionship,i have had the chance lately to spend time with family mmembers who essentially disowned me as a result of my drinking.

How do i balance my life and the added responsibility along with my self acceptance takes a big hit,i feel as though i dont measure, i know its the old tapes from my past csa yet being in therapy and staying sober i feel like i am missing something what that is i really dont care about afterall it's to much work and takes so much out of me.

I'm making myself fuckin nuts

Are there any ways to deal with this

How do i find that balance

Where do i go with all the crazy ...i deserve nothing ,i want to be alone

i feel stuck

i am so anal when it comes to making simple decisions

I complicate geuine help

yet i play head games with myself

do the holidays cause this

the list goes on...

people in my life love me yet i am expecting for impending doom

who knows if i will ever overcome the after effects of the abuse...

i just know i want to be free myself from the drama i'm creating....

i need help before i lose it...

i have not been on here in a little while although the ladt time i posted i was essentially told "you're never on here but you expect others to help you through your process".....

Anyway it is what it is until the time is right to rid myslef of the pain inflicted sub-conciously i cannot deal with it anymore....


PS: the holidays in my past brings uo alot of memories i am terrified with therefore hiding ans isolating myself from the world...

Edited by thecoopstah (11/25/07 01:45 AM)
" You never know how strong you are until being strong is the only choice you have "

#192698 - 11/26/07 09:07 AM Re: struggling with the inner demons [Re: thecoopstah]
frost Offline

Registered: 03/15/07
Posts: 1377
Loc: Eh?

If I'm understanding what you're saying... It sounds as though you've found a great relationship with someone and you feel as though your issues are going to somehow destroy this relationship.

What you're fearing is perfectly understandable... Especially considering you mentioned you were 'essentially disowned' in the past. Also if I'm not mistaken, I'm picking up a hint or tone of paranoia in what you're saying. Your references to 'expecting impending doom' resound so closely to what I go through quite often. I have these wild thoughts that... "Everyone in my life must be out to get me, because I'm certainly not good enough for their love."

What this all does boil down to for me, is a massive lack of self value, acceptance, and esteem. It might be that way for you. I've spent a lot of time recently trying to convince myself that I am worth while... All of this work is helping to alleviate those 'crazy thoughts' as you called them.

My guess is, coop, that you are keeping these thoughts from your significant other. My first and foremost suggestion is: share these things with your significant other.

It's okay to tell them that you feel really dumb for saying it, but it'll help you put it in perspective... and to give voice to what you're thinking... No matter how crazy it is. It takes a blind leap of faith that your significant other will treat these feelings and thoughts with respect and help you through them.

A few months ago, I planned to meet an online friend for the first time. I've known him for years but we had never met. We're both straight men and have about as close of a friendship as two straight men can have considering online restrictions. We have seen each other through a lot of garbage in each of our lives. A few days before we met, I was having an absolute panic attack. I was making up in my head all sorts of things about him in my head and I finally had to talk to him about my stress of meeting him. I danced around it for a while, but eventually realized what my fears were about. I told him "I know this is going to sound ridiculous, and its totally un-called for, but I need to say this because I have to set my mind at ease."... I then went on to tell him that we couldn't do anything involving touch and absolutely nothing sexual when we met. Being that we were 2 straight men, it was totally unfounded... However there was still a part in my mind that was screaming in terror and needed to be set at ease about our meeting... I know this is different than your situation, but I'm giving you an example of how talking about things -- getting things out in the open -- can really help a lot.

Something else I would suggest to you is to Journal like crazy. Write down these crazy thoughts, keep a log of instances that you felt you did something wrong in a given situation... Then when you're in a clearer frame of mind later, have a look back at what you wrote, and see how you feel about it.

There is hope to overcome the aftereffects of abuse. I know it can seem like a very distant dream at times... but I believe it to be possible.

I hope what I've said is helpful to you... Good luck on finding that balance. You're not alone!


#192728 - 11/26/07 07:30 PM Re: struggling with the inner demons [Re: thecoopstah]
thesun3 Offline

Registered: 11/06/07
Posts: 49
I believe the holidays have something to do with how you feel. The stress involved, positive or negative, can be exhausting. I too feel a fear, an old anxiety, when things are going right...because I fear that it won't last as long as I want it to. Love is a big risk...we sought love and attention once, and were doesn't mean we will always be betrayed...but that old tape is hard to erase....I'm glad you are experiencing happiness with your loved one...hang in there...enjoy...and we are here for you.

In the depth of winter, I finally learned that within me there lay an invincible summer.

#192804 - 11/27/07 04:29 PM Re: struggling with the inner demons [Re: thesun3]
thecoopstah Offline

Registered: 07/19/04
Posts: 589
Loc: massachusetts
It's so hard for me at times because the holidays are in fact so difficult as a result of my childhood and you bring up a good point therefore the struggles i have will pass however it's going through them without hurting(verbally) others because i dont want to deal with "rich"

Thank you so much for your insight afterall this is one place i can actually "vent" safely.


PS: i'm not sure if i will ever be able to rid myself of the craziness my thoughts create


" You never know how strong you are until being strong is the only choice you have "


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