It seems that there are definitely some changes occurring in my mind since my last post in my "feeling triggered and I don't like it" thread.
I was quite overwhelmed with new and clearer understandings of my feelings and what I was doing, and how it was related to my past abuse and when I have felt these feelings before. A very welcome sort of meltdown indeed, if that makes any sense.
I have been dealing with a very strong bout of depression for the last few weeks, but for some reason it's not scaring the hell out of me the way depression usually does, in fact it's sort of welcome. I'm wondering if maybe I have been so busy focusing on my male coworker for the last year, and now I don't feel like doing that anymore, so there's this huge sort of "void" in my thoughts where all the overscrutinizing used to be.
The gloomy weather around here lately is certainly contributing it's share, but I know it's more than just that because I'm not fantasizing about my friend anymore. It actually feels kinda gross and inappropriate to think about him that way anymore, which I guess is a relief.
So it would seem that what I need to do is start getting back on track with how my daily life used to be so there won't be these empty spaces anymore. Currently I have been spending my time drinking at home and then sleeping as much as time allows. Lately when I find myself unable to sleep, I just take some sort of sedative (usually just an antihistamine, nothing major).
It's been extremely difficult to drag myself out of bed lately, but I have been managing to make it to work on time somehow.
I'm just so terribly unmotivated to do anything right now.
Guilt and shame have never done any of us any good at all.