I was so young, so early in my formative years, that the memory of this event is dark and faded. I really had no recollection of it for several years. I knew, I was different. I knew I had "issues". I just figured I was fundamentally and naturally a bizarre person.
THe memories came back to me when I was 18 years old.
I had gone to an all day concert with my brother and my girlfriend.
My brother was high on drugs and asked my girlfriend if he could talk to her alone for a second.
She came back to me with a stunned look on her face.
"I don't know how to tell you this..", she said,"Your brother was telling me how you what happened to you guys in preschool?"
Initially I had no idea what he could have been talking about. When a little more of the story came out, the memories came gushing like it happened yesterday...
I couldnt have been more the 3-4 years old. My mom worked, so my twin brother and I attended a neighborhood preschool. Until that day I remembere only that I didnt particularly like that preschool. No specific reason, I just had a bad feeling about it.
I remembered hiding in the cubbyhole.
I remember feeling a foreign pain.
I remember being terrified of the restroom next to the dining room.
I just never put it all together until then.
There was a girl probably our same age, who started it all.
She would ask a group of boys to come with her to the bathroom where she would expose herself and encourage us to touch her.
At my age, I thought it peculiar, but saw no harm.
One day the girl's father showed up. He seemed angry about what had been going on with his daughter in the bathroom.
He said he was there to punish those of us who had hurt his daughter.
I blackout here. I remember nothing of the "punishment", or how many times it happened or anything like that.
I left the bathroom and I was in pain.
Thats really all I can recall.
Ive never felt confident or comfortable in my own skin.
Ive suffered my entire life from intimacy issues.
Shame and guilt are daily aspects of my life, I just never knew why until I began to remember.