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#192674 - 11/26/07 03:26 AM CONFRONTING
Lou Offline

Registered: 11/11/07
Posts: 100

My BF and I have had discussions this weekend over my resentment that I am the only one who knows of his abuse by his brother. Seems the pain for us is endless and his brother gets to skate home free.

He reminded me (in a nice sort of way) that this is his issue and he has got to deal with this in his way, his time and his terms. And I am trying to accept and respect that, but it is not easy.

I know that he is scared to death that his brother will deny this and other family members will take sides and he seems to think it will not be his side.

So, can anyone shed some light on this subject? When family abusers have been confronted, what has the response been from them and other family members?

I would particularly like to hear if there has been anything positive come out of this for the survivor, family abuser and other family members.

I could really use some positives right now. I am hopeful that if my BF hears about success stories rather than doom and gloom that perhaps it won't be so scarry for him when the time comes for him to do what he needs to do.

Thanks for your input.

#192683 - 11/26/07 04:59 AM Re: CONFRONTING [Re: Lou]
theatrekid Offline

Registered: 06/03/07
Posts: 702
Loc: oregon
Lou i think your bf needs to hear the truth not just the success stories if their are more positve stories that come from that then that is good but if not then oh well.

who to tell and who not to tell is something that your bf and only your bf should choose to tell. he should not be pressured in anyway into telling any one else.

that being said i imagine it is very hard for you to deal with your knowlege of his past without having some one to talk to about it so i do understand why you would want him to be more open about it.

disclosing to my family was perhaps the scariest thing i have ever done in my life. i was positive i was going to be disowned by my parents. looking back on it now i realize that was never the case. i have since been able to get therapy and lots of help that i otherwise would not be able to get, had i not told my parents about the abuse.

but disclosing has put a terrible strain on my relationship with my father. we used to be very close now it is as if a wall has been built seperating us. i think this is because he feels guilty for it happening but dosnt know how to deal with this guilt. also i learned quite a bit about my early childhood after diclosing to my parents. i learned things about my parents that i honestly would have prefered to not know. i also learned about their own childhoods.

I became angry at my parents after disclosing to them because i learned that they knew of the abuse when it happend but thought that i would just forget about it.

some times i regret telling them i remembered, but other times i think it was for the better. disclosing to any one is a decision not to rush into it should be very planned

hope this helps


#192687 - 11/26/07 05:21 AM Re: CONFRONTING [Re: theatrekid]
WalkingSouth Offline

Registered: 08/30/05
Posts: 16270
Loc: Waldport, Oregon

As Chris says, the act of disclosing can have hidden consequences. It's like peeling back the layers of an onion. Everytime you think you've got the thing peeled there's another layer lurking just underneath. Some of those layers contain some pretty heavy consequences or unexpected healing of relationships, and it can be hard to tell which it will reveal till after it's done.

Perhaps you and he need to read an article here on the site about Disclosure and Confrontation. I think it will help both of you to understand the undertaking.

Your BF is correct also when he says it's his to decide. You may share with him your views in a nonconfrontational way, but ultimately it is his to decide.

Best wishes to both of you as you work your way through this difficulty.

Lots of love,


Edited by walkingsouth (11/26/07 05:23 AM)
"Life's journey is not to arrive at the grave safely in a well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, totally worn out, shouting 'Holy Shit! What a ride!'" ~Hunter S. Thompson

#192700 - 11/26/07 11:32 AM Re: CONFRONTING [Re: WalkingSouth]
Lou Offline

Registered: 11/11/07
Posts: 100
Thank you both for your input. And yes, I guess in all honesty, I wish there was someone that knew so that I could have someone besides him to talk to about this whole mess. I do have a great faith so will continue to pray that someday in his time he finds the strength. Thanks again.


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