Lately my life has been amazing and i am actually looking forward to the holidays and it's so nice.

however lately i've been really confused and filled with fear because this is the first time i have been this happy and sharing my life with someone i am so in love with.

My point is the chaos and fear that goes on in my head makes me nuts thereby the behavior i exhibit pushes the people in my life as a result of my choices away and although i desperately want people in my life,i desire companionship,i have had the chance lately to spend time with family mmembers who essentially disowned me as a result of my drinking.

How do i balance my life and the added responsibility along with my self acceptance takes a big hit,i feel as though i dont measure, i know its the old tapes from my past csa yet being in therapy and staying sober i feel like i am missing something what that is i really dont care about afterall it's to much work and takes so much out of me.

I'm making myself fuckin nuts

Are there any ways to deal with this

How do i find that balance

Where do i go with all the crazy ...i deserve nothing ,i want to be alone

i feel stuck

i am so anal when it comes to making simple decisions

I complicate geuine help

yet i play head games with myself

do the holidays cause this

the list goes on...

people in my life love me yet i am expecting for impending doom

who knows if i will ever overcome the after effects of the abuse...

i just know i want to be free myself from the drama i'm creating....

i need help before i lose it...

i have not been on here in a little while although the ladt time i posted i was essentially told "you're never on here but you expect others to help you through your process".....

Anyway it is what it is until the time is right to rid myslef of the pain inflicted sub-conciously i cannot deal with it anymore....


PS: the holidays in my past brings uo alot of memories i am terrified with therefore hiding ans isolating myself from the world...

" You never know how strong you are until being strong is the only choice you have "