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#192436 - 11/24/07 02:32 PM REACTIONS TO ACTING OUT??
Lou Offline

Registered: 11/11/07
Posts: 100
I would like to hear from any of you wives/GF's whose men have acted out or been unfaithful to you due to their CSA. I am really having a hard time dealing with this issue. How do you EVER get past this or do you? In my mind, my BF still was unfaithful to me and the fact that he invited a man into our home while I was on a business trip is a traumatic experience that I will probably NEVER EVER get over myself. Does this give me the right to act out and make this an excuse to do whatever the hell I want to do? I know that we live in a world full of sin and corruption, but I keep thinking what if ALL of us did whatever whenever we got the urge to do because of something we experiencd in our youth how much worse it would be. I pray that God gives me the strength to get through all of this without inflicting undue pain onto others because of my own inability to cope.

Another topic that I would like to hear about is if your husbands/BF's have confronted their perpetrators and/or told their families and/or children? I have been dealing with this nightmare by myself for about 6 months now but my BF can not tell his children as he doesn't want to hurt them. His perpetrator was their uncle and he doesn't want to ruin their relationship with him. Likewise he doesn't want to confront his brother who did this to him because he is afraid what this will do to his family (other siblings). In the meantime I am sitting here thinking to myself what the hell makes these people so damn special? What about the pain that I have been suffering on a day to day, hour by hour moment. Is this part of the old adage that blood is thicker than water?

Here I thought I was in a relationship that was the best that he and I had ever had. And I am trying to be understanding knowing that he has to do all of the above in his time and his way. But never the less, I am human and I am building up resentments that these people get to go on living their lives each day and his siblings have no idea what was going on in their own home during their youth, leaving me to deal with what has gone on in our home on my own. I had absolutely nothing to do with this situation and yet it seems that I am now a victim of his brother as well! It is disgusting to me that these perpetrators are allowed to have so much power over people's lives even some 50 years later!

I welcome any input that anyone can offer.

#192495 - 11/24/07 11:41 PM Re: REACTIONS TO ACTING OUT?? [Re: Lou]
KeithR Offline

Registered: 10/28/06
Posts: 363
Loc: Georgia
I can only speak from a survivor's viewpoint. My brother was my abuser. I have confronted him. It was one of the hardest things I have ever had to do. I was so afraid of what what happen, because I knew if he did not accept responsibility, I would have to end my relationship with him. For me, that meant ending things with all my family, because I knew I was not going to talk to them about what happened. I confronted him. He accepted responsibiliy. He gave a heartfelt apology. I also found out at that time that he too was abused. I found out that he has never told his wife. It's hard to describe how hard it really is.

Even if I didn't have issues similar to those your bf had, it would still be almost impossible for me to talk about at this point. My brother is no more special than any other big brother, but for the first 11 years of my life, he could do no wrong. I took me over thirty years after that to realize that he had done wrong. Siblings apparently have very complicated feelings for one aother.

Good luck with your relatsionship. I know it is very hard to go through. I have put my wife through something similar, and it is
grueling at times. Your bf needs to know your boundaries, and get help with those issues. This ia a good place for that.


#192497 - 11/25/07 12:09 AM Re: REACTIONS TO ACTING OUT?? [Re: Lou]
MDATC Offline
New Here

Registered: 11/07/07
Posts: 7
My heart goes out to you. My bf recently opened up to me about his CSA and he hasn't told anyone else until me. Now I'm suffering right along with him because its affecting our personal relationship. I don't know what to do, what to say, how to help him. Sometimes I feel like he doesn't want me to and other times I feel like he does. I am not sure what the reasonable response is for the gf to do? Are we supposed to say its ok you don't want to have sex with me or talk about it but when deep inside its tearing us up and we are becoming more and more selfconscious and it feels as if there is no potential end for this pain (for himself and me).

Its not an easy situation when you love them and they won't do what they need to do to give them the chance at a full happy life, which means we won't either unless we leave them behing.


#192513 - 11/25/07 01:36 AM Re: REACTIONS TO ACTING OUT?? [Re: MDATC]
Lou Offline

Registered: 11/11/07
Posts: 100
Thank you so much for your replies to my posting.

I guess I am much luckier than some people as my BF is currently going to individual counseling, has participated in a trauma class and also is involved in group therapy. He is also a member of this site and is gaining lots of knowledge and strength from all of the postings here, and I am very thankful for all of this. He seems to be trying so hard to change his life and for that I am so very proud of him.

However, I refuse to let these things take away from the fact that I too have been traumatized by the fact that he was seeking out men when I was being told that this was the very best relationship that he had ever been in and that he never wanted it to end. I am sure that in no way can he feel the hurt that I have experienced due to his unfaithfulness, likewise I can not begin to understand the hurt he feels from his CSA. But I guess the one thing that I am understanding from my readings on this site is that I am not alone and that I do have a right to my feelings and to set my boundaries.

I don't expect any survivor to be able to understand how a woman feels when because of his acting out, no matter what the reason (they don't know if they are gay, bi, or it is just a result of their CSA) that our self worth is destroyed in very much the same way that the CSA's self worth was destroyed with their years of abuse. The thoughts of I must not have been woman enough crosses my mind many times each day I am sure in much the same way that some of you feel that you are to blame for your abuse.

If I live to be a hundred I don't think I will ever understand when someone that is hurting so bad from their past childhood sexual abuse would they EVER want to put another person through that same pain by acting out and taking the chance of destroying what could be the most wonderful relationship of their lifetime? I am sure that one's low self esteem and maybe even the thoughts that they don't deserve anything so wonderful might play a big part in people even sabotage their own happiness and that of their partner because they think they don't deserve any better? If that is true, I feel so very, very sorry for all of you survivors of CSA.....if only you could see yourselves in the same eyes that I saw this man that I fell in love with.....he truly deserves the best in life and I pray to God that someday he will believe that about himself as well.

Thank you all so much for allowing me to post on this site. And thank you for your replies and understanding.

#192720 - 11/26/07 06:00 PM Re: REACTIONS TO ACTING OUT?? [Re: Lou]
soapy bubbles Offline

Registered: 09/05/06
Posts: 332
Loc: london
errrr am I missing something here? Your children have a relationship with your husbands perp? WHY? I'd think again on that one....

"Though we travel the world over to find the beautiful, we must carry it with us or we find it not.” ~ Ralph Waldo Emerson

“Nobody can make you feel inferior without your permission.” --- Eleanor Roosevelt

#192762 - 11/27/07 02:13 AM Re: REACTIONS TO ACTING OUT?? [Re: soapy bubbles]
Lou Offline

Registered: 11/11/07
Posts: 100
Soapy bubbles,

No my BF and I have no children together. The children I was speaking about are his from his first marriage, ages 23 and 28.

I don't see much of a relationship issue here as his brother the perpetrator and his children are all in 3 different states and as far as I know they don't even communicate with one another.

But I guess it is his brother, their uncle, and from what I am gathering on this site, it is his decision to make as to when he confronts his perpetrator as well as when he discloses to any of his family what happened.

I just hope and pray, knowing that his brother the perpetrator has a son and now a grandchild, that no one else has or is being hurt by this person because no one knows what he has done in the past.

But, I guess this is none of my business.

Thank you for your reply however.


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