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#192131 - 11/21/07 08:31 PM Clueless
Penelope. Offline
New Here

Registered: 11/21/07
Posts: 1
I've been checking this site quite often but for some reason, haven't managed yet to write my own post... my own troubles and feelings.
my hubby was raped 14 months ago. it pretty much destroyed our life, then what all you people in here know... the shame, the grief, the anger, the pain.
i cant share any details of what had happen, in terms of the abuse, basically because it hurts me too much and because regardless my own pain and "all my issues" is not my story. is not my place to say a word, not my place to judge...
in the last year I've learn how to be supportive, like holding him in the aftermath of a nightmare, actually like holding him all the time... and I've also learn the hard part... how to give him space, including how to be silent sometimes, resign the chance to "fix him", and just try to smile on the way, that definitely doesn't lead to the way the things were before..
he's in therapy, I'm on therapy, we are on therapy. we are a young couple, no children age 24 an 25.
he was hurt so bad, both pyshic and mentally that we haven't been able to make love at all since it happened and i love him, so it kinda kill me not having the chance to make him feel it. there is a ton of sexual identity issues as well. now after a long time talking about it with our T he had express his willingness to do it, and is something that as a couple need desperately.
so he wants and i'm looking forward our "first time" and I'm scared. i dont know what to do, because despite his desire is the whole thing is triggering for him and i just need so bad to make him feel loved... it also worries me to think that if i set up a nice atmosphere for sex and that kind of things it will put pressure on him and maybe even make him do it when he doesnt feel good about it and believe me the last thing i need or want is to make him pass trough yet another negative experience with his sexuality.
wow.. this got to long. any suggestions? girls? survivors? how to make him comfortable, how to approach the whole thing? should i go ahead and try to f**k him or maybe just a Blowjob? how to deal with the failure if we don't get to make it? do's and dont's??? I'm so clueless.
is not easy to show love when so much pain and hate had took place before. i don't want to hurt him. but i need this to happen so much.

gime a clue people.



#192164 - 11/22/07 07:09 AM Re: Clueless [Re: Penelope.]
lostcowboy Offline

Registered: 11/10/04
Posts: 798
Loc: Rhode Island
Hello Penelope, If you have a good used book store, I would get "Dr. Ruth's guide to good sex, by Dr. Ruth Westheimer", it is full of wisdom that any young couple would need, especially the chapters on touching.
There is another book called, male sexuality, which talks about touching from a male point of view. A lot of guys have been brought up that touching means sex. So if your man is afraid of sex, he is likely touching you a lot less than you want him to do. This book also has exercises to do if the man has sexual problems.
I don't know how open you two are to different sexual positions, and techniques, but you may want to look for that type of book also. That way he would not have only his penis to satisfy you with. If he had a problem, he could just shift to plan B. I think it would help his confidence to have a plan B. Most men do want to make their wives happy, and because we don't have direct control over our penis, we always worry a little bit as to whether or not it will come up this time.

How to approach the whole thing? I think about a week or so would be right. Do you remember your first boyfriend, and everyone said it was a puppy love? You were all over each other, but it was just touching, and most of that was not even sexual, but you still got a charge out of it because the person you wanted to be with was doing the touching. In Dr. Ruth's book she talks about how non-sexual touching keeps the love alive.
I hope this helps,

"Don't walk in front of me, I may not follow. Don't walk behind me, I may not lead. Just walk beside me and be my friend." - Albert Camus
Pretty much my life as I have posted so far. Triggers!

#192359 - 11/23/07 04:21 PM Re: Clueless [Re: lostcowboy]
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA

Well, first of all welcome to the site. There's a lot going on here and I hope it will help you find your way through the problems you are encountering. The F&F crowd here is a great group!

As your hubby has been so traumatized by the rape, he may find sex very difficult to follow through with and probably the very idea, as well as fears of "failure", will present a huge obstacle to him. I certainly wouldn't get into a sexual encounter with the idea that you will do this or that.

The problem in such cases is that the victim's feelings about sex become entirely contaminated by the rape experience, and in the case of your guy the effect seems to be profound. That is, he doesn't just have problems with sexual acts; he seems also to fear, for example, that the rape may have "made him gay", and I would bet he's also into the trap of feeling that if he were a "real man" he would have been able to defend himself.

I would approach sex slowly and with the idea that it isn't just a matter of "doing it"; he needs to have associations of trust, affection and fulfillment restored to what he and you are doing. I would try romantic touching and cuddling (along the lines of what Clifford is suggesting), without expectations that it will lead to sex of any kind, and then just "let it happen" when he is ready. This will prevent him from ending up feeling like he has failed in some way. Instead, he can see what's going on as a part of his healing journey.

I hope this helps in some small way. Your real resource here will be therapy, and if you can both be open and honest about how things are going it seems to me you ought to be able to move past this problem. Just remember that beyond the physical violation lies the issue of negative feelings that he's entirely unprepared to handle. Where you can help him most is in confirming to him and showing him that these feelings won't last forever and don't define him.

Much love,

Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)


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