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#192003 - 11/20/07 10:00 PM Wife of survivor...."Can't talk to him about it"
Amanda_D Offline

Registered: 10/30/07
Posts: 62
Loc: Great Lakes State Michigan is ...
It is so hard when you can't tell the man you love your feelings, without him blaming himself...and taking it wrong.

I can't talk to my husband, so can I talk to you?

I don't want to give up, I haven't so far. But why is this so hard? It is so hard to find the strength and focus to maintain my own mind and support my husband.

You all have been helpful in telling me I need to take care of myself, but the truth is I don't know how. For the last 8 years of being with my husband, I feel I have given everything to him "and my children". Who am I? Sometimes I wonder.

I want to hear someone tell me their story, about how their marriage has worked out for them in the same situation.

I feel I drive myself crazy. I have never lived for myself and my dreams..... but how can I ever?. Getting married at such a young age and having kids, I have done all what a responsible wife and parent should. I have been faithful and true, and truly dedicated to my family. I don't abuse any sort of substances, and I have done nothing in my life to regret. I have followed all the rules from childhood to present! "And yes I am proud of that"....... I am the sort of person that is laid right out on the table for everyone to see...there are no skeletons in the closet there are no secrets. What you see is what you get. I am a people person, most people say I get along with everyone, and most of the time I have a smile on my face. I am there when others need me. People can count on me when they need a favor, or just support.

I am not one who asks for much out of life. So many times we have been kicked out of our rental because of non-payment. My husband is a great man who works hard, but he gets depressed to, and back in those days he was not dealing with his abuse, like he does today. We have moved 11 times in the 8 years we have been together. Our utilities were shut off all the time, we fought to survive. All the while he was at strip clubs spending our families money on other women. I could not pay the bills, as he had control over the money. And when I wanted to discuss bills and such with him...he would just blow up with anger and rage,,,,"was just not worth the headache" So I just lived with it. We still have some issues with this. Of course not with strip clubs anymore. But I take what I have and I am thankful. Even for the small and simple things in life. I go yardsaling and go to used clothing stores.

My husband always puts himself down, that he does not make enough money. "He is the most talented man I know“. He is an ASE Certified auto body tech. He can build high performance cars from the engine to complete car. He knows cars mechanically. He is a carpenter, he can build furniture. And well he is remodeling our home we purchased this year “thanks to his father” …he built a complete addition to our home, did all electric work, and plumbing, built a slate shower. It is just gorgeous.

He always asks me what he can do for me...I just tell him to be nice to me...that means more to me then anything. The first 4 years of marriage with him, he mentally abused me. He did nothing but put me down, and made me feel something was always wrong with me. He simply treated me like crap. We did not even kiss. I can actually say at that time I hated him. Of course I had my kids to focus on at that time. They kept me busy enough, to take the edge and focus off.

From the time we met to present day...I have no friends. He had so much control over me and my life, it was impossible. “I know now why he was like this” But he still sheltered me from my life! Of course now there are boundaries, and I treat myself to a girls night out every now and then with my sisters.

I feel I have been kept in a cabin sheltered away from this world for all this time. I am clueless and numb.

I just feel so weak, and no matter how much strength I seem to draw from going to the therapist and being on this site, I feel it does not last long before I feel weak again. Depressed and lonely. Might I add I am on a anti depressant…What more can I do?

I could have left my husband long ago, when he broke my heart. But I stayed. Why? Because he was downhearted about his abuse, and he needed me. So I still walk around with that pain in my stomach that seems to never go away when I think of what he did. I can't help it, I have tried to get rid of it...and it does not go away. And well I can't talk to him about it.

I feel I can’t talk to him about anything….The kids, money, our spirituality, sex, some aspects of his abuse “understandable” , and simply our relationship.

I feel still alone as I have all these years, I feel things have been getting better, but I feel I am still at the end of my ropes. From all the years of having all this baggage on my shoulders. I am 26 now. And I think I am at the point where I am really starting to look at my future. I know I want it to be with him. But I don’t want to be feeling this way. I don’t want to continue to live this way. I think it is going to be a long time before things really change. So what the heck do I do mean time.

I have to be there to support him, yet I am supposed to also have the strength to help myself…this is impossible, where do I begin? When I go through my heard times, I feel the only way I can focus and truly focus on myself is if I leave. If I got away for awhile. But I can’t do this, I have to be here for him and my 2 kids.

I don’t know I guess I could go on and on….But it has been to long and to hard these past 8 years. I am tired and weak….the bags are getting to heavy to carry for me. I don’t want to give up. I know I am stronger then that.

But how much stronger?

"Just Breath" Your here and that makes all the difference!.....(wife of a surviver, trying to survive as well!) Here to get some answers and support...Here to do what I can to be a hearing ear.....Thankyou to all of you, ahead of time!

#192082 - 11/21/07 01:40 PM Re: Wife of survivor...."Can't talk to him about it" [Re: Amanda_D]
Jem Offline
New Here

Registered: 10/22/07
Posts: 18
Loc: DC
I am new to this, don't have any answers. Just a shoulder from someone who has lived a life much like yours.


#192129 - 11/21/07 08:25 PM Re: Wife of survivor...."Can't talk to him about it" [Re: Jem]
mmac Offline

Registered: 09/21/07
Posts: 107
Loc: PA
girl, i am here for you, as are so many of the other partners.

Take a moment to close your eyes and visualize that you have a very best girlfriend, or a close sister that came to you with this same story.... you see and hear the pain in this friends heart. You feel what she is going though....
what would you tell her to do???

You know the answer to your continued heartache. Just ask God for the strength to care for yourself and give your husband over to God. He will take care of him and allow you the strength to heal as well.

I know the answer you want, just like the answer that"girlfriend" wants to hear. Sometimes the truth is a hard mirror to see. Sounds like you need a break, to regain your own sanity. Ask yourself, how you can possibly help your husband when you yourself are crumbling.

Please voice this with your therapist. I believe that he/she will guide you to what is right and healthy for YOU and your Children, while keeping your husband in mind.

My T , once told my entire relationship with my BF, said i should have moved out years ago, as my BF was incapable of enjoying a satisfying relationship with anybody until he was seriously into his own recovery. She felt that given my BF's history, that could be many many years of hard work (and was he ready to do that?)I would have reduced myself to nothing and it wouldn't have mattered either way.

I know a lot of others who have chosen to stay in their marriages, whether by fear, convenience or for love. They can speak to how they coped. All I know is you must give him back his weight to carry, you cannot and should not try to continually hold another persons life together while your own is falling apart.

Please take the time to re-nurture do deserve it!

i will pray for your freedom from this pain.

"Insanity is doing the same thing over and over, and expecting different results."

I cannot take your steps, but I can walk beside you, if you'll let me.


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