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#191814 - 11/18/07 09:32 PM New therapist
thewife Offline

Registered: 07/16/07
Posts: 40
So, we are seeing a new therapist. One who says he can see what really happened "that night". He told my husand that he really wanted to fuck (I can't believe I types that word) the girl and that he was just trying to mitigate his experience. My husband cried throughout and said that wasn't true. He said that he emotionally fled. He was pressed by the T to say that, "Your dick was inside 'her name here', and all he could say was, "Not by choice." The T said that him being his size and her being her size that was impossible, and the only way he would have fucked her is if her wanted to. Even, if he says, my husband wanted to at first and then changed his mind. This therapist tells me that my husband is someone who cheated and got caught.
Ugh!!! On one hand, having him say, "I fucked up, can you get past it or not," would be a relief, as he says it would make him feel "human," on the other hand, I want to believe that she could do this TO him, with him being unresponsive, or disassociated, because that gives me more stability. Who is right? It's true, she was smaller, he could have stopped her, but he maintains that he DIDN'T want it. He fled. Wasn't there.

Ugh. Ugh. How does a man get raped by a "woman" Is the therapist right, or should we find a new one?

#191819 - 11/18/07 09:54 PM Re: New therapist [Re: thewife]
mogigo Offline

Registered: 04/25/07
Posts: 1331
Loc: Colorado
Hey wife.......shit I don't know what to say, I'm 6'2", full of muscles, trained in ju-jitsu, arrest procedures, play hockey, strong. When I'm in an sexually agressive situation with women I freeze up completely but I would say that comes from my past. What I do know is I regress completely into a child when it's happening and I most definately become very vulnerable. I usually run from those situation's, can you picture a 6'2" big guy running out of a room from a 5' nothing girl, it happens to me.

Don't know once again.

stay strong


#191824 - 11/18/07 10:46 PM Re: New therapist [Re: thewife]
James_dup1 Offline

Registered: 04/13/02
Posts: 1332
Loc: Wyoming
Originally Posted By: thewife
The T said that him being his size and her being her size that was impossible, and the only way he would have fucked her is if her wanted to.

I'm sorry but I think this statement is hog wash. Size has no bearing on sexual assult. Can a woman "rape" a man.. ofcourse they can... ask the men here who had females as there perp's. Like Mike said some "freeze" and some revert to past copeing skills and just "go with the flow". Thats like saying a 8th grade boy can't be abused by his teacher because he is taller and stronger than her because she happens to be a piete (sp?) woman.

I wonder how much experence this T has in male sexual abuse issues? Have you read Ken Singers guidl to shoping for a T listed on the web site? Here the link in case you havent:

Let me tel you this has saved me a ton of time and engery (THANKS KEN FOR WRITEING IT). I take the questions with me everytime I see a new T. I had one tell me I had no right to ask her this ?'s because she was the profesional not me, I was the client. LOL.. I told her like it says in the very last part of that "No.. Im the consumer and have every right to know the answers" and prompley got up and walked out.

I'm sure your in a lot of pain and confused and want answers I wish I had some for you. \:\( Sorry


Edited by James_dup1 (11/18/07 10:48 PM)
I have more issues than Rolling Stone!

#191829 - 11/18/07 11:46 PM Re: New therapist [Re: thewife]
onlyakid Offline

Registered: 03/31/04
Posts: 1577
Loc: New Jersey
This is crap!! I can't believe this guy is really a therapist. Where did he get his degree, a cracker jack box? You need to find another therapist, the last thing a survivor needs is bad therapy. Even though I know in my head that what my brother did to me was abuse, I still after 4 years cannot fully believe it in my heart, if a therapist ever told me it really wasn't abuse, I wanted it, it would totally wipe all 4 years of my recovery away.

So find another therapist, take a copy of the shopping guide that James was talking about and find a new therapist who has experience in male sexual abuse.

"Being with people that understand you...Priceless"

"and i don't want the world to see me, cause i don't think that they'd understand"

"You don't know what love just do as your told"

"My life has changed. What you take as a simple thing, is not so simple for me anymore"

#191862 - 11/19/07 06:48 AM Re: New therapist [Re: onlyakid]
lostcowboy Offline

Registered: 11/10/04
Posts: 798
Loc: Rhode Island
Hi TW, the last time I saw a psychiatrist in the navy he sounded a lot like your therapist. Get another one, this therapist thinks he knows what happened, when your husband doesn't even know what happened!

I wanted to play devils advocate here. I have sort of cheated on my wife twice with two lady's. No more than roving hands, when I was totally drunk. Also there was one gay man I had a affair with, when the marriage was having a rough time. I could go on with that. But what I wanted to say is, as a guilty man I did not tell my wife about them, she found out the hard way. Normally the only way the husband will admit to the wife that he cheated on her is if she has already found out. Why? He is afraid that he will lose her, if he tells her!
When your husband said,"he thinks she pulled him from the car by his private." I totally believe it, when I was on my submarine, I pulled that dare on one of the guys. I said I could make him go where ever I wanted, he said no you can't, I said put your **** in my hand and see what happens, he did, and before he knew what was happening he was almost out the door of the radio-room. Mind you, he knew that if he stepped out of the radio-room while on watch he would have gone to captions mast. Just as he was going to step out, he said uncle and I let go. I was not trying to get him into trouble just proving a point to him. If you want to, you can prove that yourself, just grab your husband firmly and give it a yank, he will follow you.

From your first post, I believe your husband had some type of trauma in his early life, "He ran into the bathroom crying and remembers everything from that point on (washing himself with comet, vomiting, crying).", and "He went through a period of depression right after, drinking a lot and staying up all night. I knew something was wrong at the time but had no idea what."
It sounds to me like your husband found out how to block out bad things that happened to him, and just did it again.

Any chance of getting your husband to come to the site and talk to us? I have been on the site from 2004, and can say that talking to the guys here helps.

Take care,

"Don't walk in front of me, I may not follow. Don't walk behind me, I may not lead. Just walk beside me and be my friend." - Albert Camus
Pretty much my life as I have posted so far. Triggers!

#191863 - 11/19/07 06:54 AM Re: New therapist [Re: lostcowboy]
MDATC Offline
New Here

Registered: 11/07/07
Posts: 7
I sounds like this therapist is playing a control role with your husband, which is going to push him away from getting the help that he deserves.

#191873 - 11/19/07 11:26 AM Re: New therapist [Re: MDATC]
dannym Offline

Registered: 03/25/07
Posts: 543
Loc: Boulder, Colorado
Run from this hack.... while parts of what he says "MAY" be valid or NOT, his approach is totally inappropriate - his job is to help you two discover what happened then and what to do now... a thereapist should help you navigate what an issues, not jam it down your throat. He is wrong, plain and simple, to approach the issue with his agenda and be so confrontational...

Run and make sure you tell everyone you know to stay clear of this quack!


"You should listen to your heart, and not the voices in your head."

Marge Simpson

#191876 - 11/19/07 01:11 PM Re: New therapist [Re: dannym]
WalkingSouth Offline

Registered: 08/30/05
Posts: 16270
Loc: Waldport, Oregon
What ^ they ^ said, especially Dan.

For a T who hardly knows you guys yet to pontificate thusly is a pretty blatant. Sounds to me like he's got an agenda.

Now if this was a T you'd been going to for some time and trusted it might be worth giving it some consideration.


"Life's journey is not to arrive at the grave safely in a well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, totally worn out, shouting 'Holy Shit! What a ride!'" ~Hunter S. Thompson

#191886 - 11/19/07 05:10 PM Re: New therapist [Re: WalkingSouth]
honey girl Offline

Registered: 10/09/06
Posts: 245
Loc: Midwest US
That sounds awful.
I agree with what has been said above.
I'll add one more thing (which may already be covered in Ken Singer's list).
Whenever anyone does a serious study of what makes therapy effective, they generally conclude that it's not the various styles (Freudian, Jungian, CBT, EMDR, etc. etc.) that matter in the end. It's the strength and effectiveness of "therapeutic bond" that gets established between therapist and client that will eventually determine a successful outcome.
Of course, how best to work with that bond is a tricky and delicate subject of its own. But what I get from that conclusion is that trust MUST be fundamental. If you don't trust this T, if there's misgivings of this magnitude, then run away.
It *may* be that some more complex motivations for your husband's behavior will surface. Right now, I don't see anything to be lost by taking what he says at face value. Trust first; reflect and re-examine only later, with trust at the base.
Good luck to you. (Why did you switch? Just curious; no need to explain.)

I'm just a poor wayfaring stranger, a million miles away from home.

#191906 - 11/19/07 07:34 PM Re: New therapist [Re: honey girl]
thewife Offline

Registered: 07/16/07
Posts: 40
Funny, the reason that we switched was that I didn't trust the other therapist. Every time something new would come out in the story (as my H remembered various bits and pieces or feelings or whatever) she would say, well, I knew that but was waiting for you to come to that conclusion. Bullshit.

But, with this guy the bullshit meter went off again, quickly. Obviously, we are both very emotional, but I learned early on that trying to force my husband to believe something about that night that he DOES NOT BELIEVE isn't helpful. So, to have someone in a position of trust and knowledge tell him that he wanted, or even enjoyed, this horrible experience has been detrimental to say the least. The guy is off his rocker, clearly. He just kept telling my husband that what he was describing wasn't possible. My husband just kept repeating over and over that just becuase something sounds impossible doesn't mean it isn't the truth. Back to the drawing board, as far as therapists go. I'll check out Ken's thread, thanks.

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