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#191673 - 11/17/07 08:01 AM Wife needs help
janedoe7182 Offline
New Here

Registered: 11/17/07
Posts: 1
I have been with my husband for about 4 years and Iíve known of the occurrence of his abuse since our second month together. He is my soul mate and has always done what is needed to provide for him and me. He is my hero, heís overcome more than I could have ever imagined and it has made him the most loving and compassionate man Iíve ever known. I just found out that his abuse was more than a one time event with his motherís boyfriend (approximately four times) but I feel totally helpless. I want to take all his pain away but I know I canít and he wonít go to counseling (he had seen a therapist once in the military but it turned him off to any additional therapy) and it is very hard for him to talk about . He doesnít just have the sexual abuse but also has witnessed his mother being beaten within an inch of her life at the hands of his molester (which was his step-father at this time). I love him with all my heart and I know he will be a great father but I need to know how to help him come to terms with his past, it kills me that I canít help him and I would do anything to somehow get rid of this horrific memory but I need a realistic plan to help him embrace his future with me and thereby fight/overcome his past. ANY suggestions or help will be greatly appreciated, I just want him to be the happiest person; he truly deserves it.

#191674 - 11/17/07 08:39 AM Re: Wife needs help [Re: janedoe7182]
scotia1 Offline

Registered: 05/27/07
Posts: 81
Hi Janedoe;

I, like many other survivors here, was molested many times as a child. I will not say I exactly understand what your husband is going through (as everyoneís experience is unique), but will say I can relate. Your drive to help your husband is admirable and will be major factor in his recovery.

First, the thing to remember is that his experiences and his horrific memories of them, can never be erased. However, coming to terms with what happened and that none of this was his fault I feel is the key. Most survivors suffer through years (even lifetimes)of feeling shame, embarrassment and or guilt of what happened.

Personally, upon looking back, my main stumbling block was the lack of understanding of what exactly happened and why! Today (years later) I understand that the abuse happened to me as a child (by an adult) and therefore couldnít in any way be considered my fault. Adults are (or should be) always fully responsibility for any and all sexual relations with children.

My suggestion to you is help your husband learn to understand that his abuse was not in any way his fault! Once he truly believes this (which may some time), his recovery will begin to take shape.


#191681 - 11/17/07 01:50 PM Re: Wife needs help [Re: scotia1]
Trish4850 Offline
BoD Liaison Emeritus

Registered: 10/15/05
Posts: 3280
Loc: New Jersey
Hi Jane and welcome although I'm sorry you find yourself here.

I guess the first thing you need to know is that you whether it was 1 time or 4 times or 100 times doesn't matter. Your husband was directly abused by this monster, he saw his mother being horribly abused and God knows what else. As Scotia said, those horrors will never leave him. Dealing with them and putting them in their proper place - he didn't do anything to cause it and it couldn't do anything to stop it - is quite another thing. But it's something that he has to do. You can be there to support him; if he talks to you, you can continually reinforce the fact that it was not his fault, but only your husband can seek the help he needs.

Would he be receptive to reading a bit here? He doesn't have to post anything, or even register, he can just look around and see that he, unfortunately, is not the only man/child to have lived through this. That's a difficult thing to acknowledge. It's hard for a man to believe that as a child, he didn't have the strength to stop or get away from what was happening. He probably feels very alone in his pain but he's not and neither are you.

I want to let you know that I'm reporting this post to a moderator just so that they can move it to the F&F forum. Only the men here should post in malesurvivor forum. Don't feel badly about it, it's an honest mistake made by many of us when we first arrive.

Welcome again Jane, you're among friends who understand.

ROCK ON.........Trish

If you fall down 10 times, Stand up 11.

#191754 - 11/18/07 03:05 AM Re: Wife needs help [Re: Trish4850]
lostcowboy Offline

Registered: 11/10/04
Posts: 798
Loc: Rhode Island
Hi Janedoe, Do tell your BF about this site, I can relate to him only to well.
I was raped only once at knife point by a older boy who was a stranger this happened in 1968 when I was 11. When I got home from that, my mother told me she was divorcing my dad. After three months she had a new boyfriend who drank, but did not beat her until after they were married. He never beat me, but I saw/heard, him beat her more times than I could count. After four years of that, I was able to get me and my younger brother back to living with my dad. Right after high school I joined the navy, I was in it for 17 years. When I had gotten in trouble with my last command, I told them, I thought part of my problem may be due to the rape, I had hopes that maybe the navy could help. The only thing the navy psychiatrist did was help my command to get me out of the service. I am very bitter about it, and have not been to see another therapist. So yes, I can relate to some of yours husbands feelings. I got out of the navy in 1992, worked until I got psoriatic arthritis in 1996, which caused me to become disabled. So I have been disabled for 11 years. I am coming up on my 51 birthday in January. A lot of the guy's here have stress related diseases. I have been on the site from 2004 to now, I can tell your husband that coming here and talking to the guy's on here helps.

Take care,

"Don't walk in front of me, I may not follow. Don't walk behind me, I may not lead. Just walk beside me and be my friend." - Albert Camus
Pretty much my life as I have posted so far. Triggers!


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