I think a lot of us here have some kind of addiction. The only way out is to say it to a counselor, AA, some type of 12-step program--something that gets it out in the open. I'm addicted to porn and sex. It's a crutch I use when I must have a way out. Unfortunately, it sticks me at this level of emotional knowledge I had when I started the addiction. I got a counselor again, and I went in there and told her the whole ugliness of it, and that I must stop. I've been clean since the first week of September. Oh, I've come close. I've had some rough patches. But now if I want a life, I must talk out the pain instead of fixing it with a drug, no matter what that drug may be.
We're with you. It is possible to begin again. But none of us can do it alone. The addiction is too big.
Take care of yourself. There is hope.
"This search for the truth--it's not for the faint of heart."--Goren on 'Law & Order: CI'
"The former things will not be called to mind, nor will they come up into the heart."--Isaiah 65:17