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#190369 - 11/07/07 11:29 PM How to heal with no memory of SA
Maynard Offline

Registered: 06/11/05
Posts: 49
How does one come to terms with SA when you can't remember it. I know I was sexually abused by my grandpa, but I have no memory of it. I could list tons of resons why I know I was abused, including my sister's memory, but I have no actual memory. I am 100% sure all my brothers and sisters were abused with the knowledge I have today. The problem is that I do not remember my SA. I remember things up to a point and then everything just goes black. I hear a voice in my mind everyday that is a child saying papa, that is what we called our grandpa, hurt me. It is not a hullucination or anything like that. It is just a thought that sounds like a child hiding in the back of my mind. I don't know how to comfort him and take away his pain, and I also have no idea what happened to him/me. I wonder how horrible it must have been since my memories are completely blocked. I think of all the things that probably happened to me, but I believe what actually must have happened was so much worse. My grandpa was one sick twisted fuck like they all are. I remember when I was on this site years ago someone telling me of someone who could not remember the first 13 years of their life, and that it is common for one to completely repress memories because they were so horrific. It is just so hard to wrap my mind around being abused when I can't remember, but the child inside always tells me papa hurt me. How can I heal when I can't remember? How do I keep from forgetting that I was abused when there is no concrete memories? Everytime I start down the path to the truth I always get side tracked, and can't just tell myself you remember to keep going. I don't know this whole thing is so hard to wrap my mind around, and probably would be even if I could remember.

"Men often become what they believe themselves to be. If I believe I cannot do something, it makes me incapable of doing it. But when I believe I can, then I acquire the ability to do it even if I didn't have it in the beginning." Mahatma Gandhi

#190383 - 11/08/07 02:05 AM Re: How to heal with no memory of SA [Re: Maynard]
knifael Offline
New Here

Registered: 10/29/07
Posts: 11
This is exactly where I'm at.
I can acknowledge the abuse and that's empowering in a way. However, the lack of clear memory puts me on the defense, feeling the need to prove the occurance.

Tomorrow i'm faced with disclosing the abuse to my parents who are very close with the aunt i used to go spend summers with.

If anyone could fill in a few of the question marks Maynard posed, I believe many would benefit.

Thank you for posing these questions Maynard.

#190387 - 11/08/07 02:58 AM Re: How to heal with no memory of SA [Re: knifael]
MarkK Offline

Registered: 04/02/07
Posts: 2653
Loc: Denver, CO
Sounds all too familiar. I know - but I have no concrete memory. The one "almost-memory" I have scares me so bad I go into severe panic mode before I ever investigate the memory enough to know what happened.

I'm hoping my T can help me.


#190394 - 11/08/07 03:49 AM Re: How to heal with no memory of SA [Re: MarkK]
mogigo Offline

Registered: 04/25/07
Posts: 1331
Loc: Colorado
I was so drunk that one horrible night but things have gotten clearer and clearer. The words though have always been with me "you're a poof" and it seems to have gone backwards from that point in regards to memory. I think though that the memories will come when they are ready to. On occasion I have these ugly thought's that my Mother was involved in some sexual way, not with that night but on other occasions, but it's much to scary for me to go there. She used to strip me naked and beat on me so I don't know if that somehow it was sexualized by me in some way. I know that being beaten on is arousing for me.

What I'm sure of though is the re-percussions in my life, pretty much textbook. I would just say, work on solving those. If the memories come then they should be dealt with then, but for the the journey the focus should be on solving the issues now. I don't think I've seen a survivor yet that remembers EVERYTHING. I've learn't that the details don't help in moving forward, just addressing what is wrong NOW does, and those things are clear as day.

I seem to dissociate much more thinking about Mother than with the rape. I've spent a long time trying to figure out exactly what happened, but all the progress I've seemed to have made has been from working on what is wrong today.

Stay strong



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