Might have triggers I am not sure.

I remember when I was around 11 or 12 being touched sexually by my brother,who is five years older then me (making him obviously 16 or 17 at the time). It happened so many times I can't remember the first time it happened or the last time for that matter. I can't remember if it was my brother's idea or not,even though he told me afterwards it was my idea. I can remember him telling me it was a game so I don't know if that was the first time or not. I would post the name of the game but I can't bring myself to type it,maybe because of shame I don't know.

I remember being masturbated by my brother and sometimes I get angry because I did not know what sex was at the time. I should have learned how to masturbate in my own time and that causes a lot of anger just thinking about the fact I did not. Instead I was taught how to by my brother at an age I feel was to young to understand. Since my brother was under 18 at the time its hard for me consider this abusive because I don't know if my brother was being purposely manipulative or was immature at the time due to his age.

I can remember my brother telling me to take my clothes off and I remember my brother getting on top of me and rubbing his genital against mine. I remember feeling completely embarrassed by this at the time but not disgusted surprisingly,Now looking back at it I am disgusted. Theres a few other memories I have but for the most part thats it,I don't remember any direct penetration. I do however have some memories leading up to what could be something a lot worse then touching/masturbation. When I try to think about these memories though My brain fades. Almost like I am pasting out,like my brain totally shuts down when trying to think on these events.

My brother was high at the time I found out later. He also later went to prison for something unrelated (stealing).He was released about a year ago and seems like he has changed a lot. He does deny ever touching me though,In a abusive way AND in any way. My mom has talked to him before about this and she thinks he can't remember because he was high. While some days I can believe this other days I just can't help but think he remembers something. I can't believe you can do something like that to some one and then not remember.