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#189033 - 10/29/07 02:10 AM So I fired my Mother today... [Updated]
Chester Offline

Registered: 10/29/07
Posts: 48
Loc: Long Island, NY
I had simply had enough. My mother was my abuser. I know I'm discouraged from owning the abuser, but whatever. She molested me until I left the house at 17, though never really stopped trying. I'm 38 now. After a year of really good therapy, I confronted her, but made the mistake of trying to maintain our relationship since. I didn't want my daughter to grow up without a grandmother. This put a terrible strain on myself every time she visited, and a strain on my wife. This wasn't fair to my family, or to me, and then I realized I was just holding on to some fantasy of having a normal mother, and a normal relationship with my parents.

Aside from sharing relatives and family history, I have nothing in common with my mother except the abuse. And I have nothing at all in common with my dad. No bond, either. I guess I've been in denial that the loneliness I've felt all my life had something to do with not really having parents at all. I may have been afraid of cutting her off because it would mean admitting I had no real parents or parenting. I say "I may have" because when I told her I don't want to see her again, there was no revelation. Just an awareness of some incessant buzzing noise in the back of my head being silenced, and a sense of relief.

I have to admit, I was at the conference this weekend and was inspired. But it was no more significant than taking out the trash as opposed to some life changing event. I'm spending more time typing about it than I did doing it. I am relieved of a heavy weight off my back, and it feels good.

Thanks for the input at the conference, guys, especially during the Guilt workshop. That was my "Ohhhh..." moment.

EDIT: Updated subject title only. See latest post for the update.

Edited by Chester (11/04/07 03:22 PM)
rock: left pocket

#189041 - 10/29/07 03:06 AM Re: So I fired my Mother today... [Re: Chester]
TJ jeff Offline

Registered: 08/07/04
Posts: 3594
Loc: Northern Wisconsin

firing your mother was such a very brave thing to do

my mother was a physical and mental abuser to me basicaly all of my childhood

I finally distanced myself from her just a couple of years back and I'm a much healthier person for it - hav'nt been able to totaly fire her yet though...

Who will cry for the little boy? - I will... - Antwone Fisher

Abuse happens in silence/isolation - Recovery happens only when that silence/isolation is broken...

TJ's History

#189043 - 10/29/07 03:22 AM Re: So I fired my Mother today... [Re: TJ jeff]
dgoods Offline

Registered: 10/15/07
Posts: 622
Loc: Richmond area
"...when I told her I don't want to see her again, there was no revelation. Just an awareness of some incessant buzzing noise in the back of my head being silenced, and a sense of relief."

It reminds me of someone with a BB encysted in their heel, near the bone, who never realized that it was there, and was what made walking so painful for years... No dramatic scene out of "ER" required, just a few incisions and extract the BB, bandage the heel and go home. But *what* a difference!...

Give sorrow words: the grief that does not speak
Whispers the o'er-fraught heart and bids it break.

-William Shakespeare, Macbeth, Act IV, Sc. III

#189089 - 10/29/07 09:30 PM Re: So I fired my Mother today... [Re: dgoods]
TNuss Offline

Registered: 02/28/06
Posts: 203
Loc: Del-A-Ware???

First words that came to my mind were, THAT IS AWESOME. My mother was/ is one of my abuse, not so much sexually but emotional. It's a control factor over me. I have always felt as if I had to be the one to take care of hernad have forgotten about myself. I reallize this yet I still let her into me life, I have put her on termporary or even layed off from time from time, but never out right fired her. Maybe I need to do so, to move on with this phase of my life.

Good luck to you, and welcome to MS.

Take care!

All my best!!!

In harmony,
I hug myself daily until the day I find the embrace that completes me.

#189360 - 10/31/07 12:42 PM Re: So I fired my Mother today... [Re: TNuss]
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA

Welcome to the MS website and I'm glad you made it to the conference as well. You will find a lot of support and understanding here and I hope it will help you on your healing journey.

"I fired my mother" ... what a thought! But if she isn't going to own and acknowledge what she has done, then the simple fact is that you are doing what you need to do. Good for you! One less toxic person in your life.

Much love,

Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)

#189910 - 11/04/07 03:15 PM Re: So I fired my Mother today... [Re: roadrunner]
Chester Offline

Registered: 10/29/07
Posts: 48
Loc: Long Island, NY
Although I would love to let this story end with all of these words of encouragement, it wasn't as simple as I had hoped. Thank you for all of the feedback, though, guys. It means a lot.

I spent the entire next day in a dissociative fog. It was a tough experience, too, because it was very intense, and I couldn't stop it. It was as if I was watching myself at work from a distance, totally disconnected from my senses, but conscious and in control of my actions.

I was better the next day, however my wife and I got into an argument, and after she left the room, I punched the fridge. I've done this before, but have always toned it down and waited until I found something soft to punch and only when no one else was around. This time I had a witness, and the brilliant idea to punch the first thing I saw, something made of steel. I broke my hand.

Dad met me for lunch Friday. He had a lot to say about me cutting off Mom. He said the only way there can be a healing is if she and I reconcile. I must not be spiritual anymore if I can alienate my Mother. Christmas will be terrible this year. I should give her another chance and keep her behavior in check... and so on. He said a few more hurtful things and more shame/blame. I said a lot of the right things, put the responsibility back on her and him.

If I don't reconcile with mom, he will move them both out of state to be near my siblings instead of me. I guess he was waiting for me to ask him not to leave. I know I was waiting for him to acknowledge he was choosing his wife, a sick woman who had abused me for years, over his own son. Neither of us got what we wanted, but understood where we were making our stand. He and I will try to get together every couple of weeks, but it will peter out like always. They will likely try to move away in the spring.
He doesn't get that the only thing I need from mom now is her absence.

So now I am looking at my reactions. I don't know if it's a good thing or a bad thing that I am enjoying this bit of chaos in my life right now. Is it unleashed fury, or am I just not censoring myself anymore? I know I can't pick which emotions I seal away. It's all or nothing. The nice part about letting myself feel angry is that I had bottled up my other emotions, too, and I'm able to feel joy again, too.

It has been said often that we hold back our anger because we're afraid of what will happen. Well this here is what I was afraid of exactly. I lost my parents. I hurt myself, and I've scared my wife. The alternative was worse, though. I was a zombie. And I never really had real parents. So maybe what I was really afraid of was the truth about everything.

The toughest part is that my wife did not sign up for this. She and our daughter don't deserve this mess. She is afraid of what her family will think when we aren't visiting my parents for Christmas. She wanted to make up a lie about it. I told her I will not, and I don't want her to have to make up lies to cover up my Mother's actions. We didn't do anything wrong. It was intense. Again.

By opening up and letting all of this garbage out, am I strengthening my relationship with my wife or am I working on my second divorce? It's only been a week, and it's taking forever to find a new therapist.

rock: left pocket


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