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#189886 - 11/04/07 09:34 AM Not in my right mind. *****TRIGGERS*****

Registered: 08/12/07
Posts: 1298
First this is not a rant neither is it me venting, over the last few weeks this has been boiling inside of me and its reached the point were i no longer know who i am or what i am.

Sorry to you all for being so negative.

I came to this site in a mess, scared,intimidated by life and angry at everyone. The people on this site have helped me and got me to see a doc and a counselor. I have even become friends and talked on the phone to a mod that ended in him and his dog meeting me and the wife. Me have friends, never, but now here i have several people who call me friend and i call them friend.

I was adopted into a family at a very young age, i was abused and filmed, photos and sold out to men who abused me. I was also made to perform with another boy in front of cameras. This carried on until i got out and joined the army at sixteen. I also suffered years of constant emotional and physical abuse as well as sexual. I was also abused by my brother and a female cousin she was a few years older than me.
Several things happened to me in my first adult years, drugs, alcohol and yes more abuse. Whilst in the army i was seconded to a unit were i worked in small groups but mainly on my own. As Ive posted before some of the places ive been to, you will have seen on the news, but there are some you will never see or hear about.I could do all this because i never felt anything.
Ive also been homeless and living on the streets, and no im not going to talk about it......To much shit and anger, for me to go there.

Now we come to today.

My life has stopped, im trying to handle and sort out how to live with all these new feelings and emotions swirling in my brain. Shit my fucking head is going so fast it feels like its gonna burst.
Because of this my marriage is facing many problems because i cant face my inner demons. I snap at my wife all the time and i get angry with no provocation. I am having very big problems in leaving the flat. I get nervous and scared, i have to have the blinds closed on the windows and i keep checking the flat when im here on my own. I get paranoid when i am around people, even people i know. I dont trust anyone and i freak out if im in any sort of social setting.
I even get paranoid round my wife, this does not help when we are trying to talk.
I married my wife because i loved her and wanted to be with her, i would never hurt her but im emotionally hurting her and now ive lost my job and have been signed of work with depression. The doc has given me medication for this but its not working, i have to get the courage up to go and see him about it. Sitting in his office for the first time was a nightmare, i have never liked or trusted doctors.
I will snap at my wife and dont even know that im doing this.I cant face being touched by anyone not even my wife, i panic and pull away if someone gets to close. Just standing near me is enough to freak me out. I have not spoken to my mum in several months now, part of me holds her to blame for the abuse, my mum was beaten and treated like shit but she stayed and did not leave him for several years. I cant face her or talk to her about what happened when i was a kid.
I used to post and talk in chat, but now im finding it hard to post or talk in chat. I go into chat now because it helps to be there, even if i cant say anything, it just helps to be there. Everything is getting messed up.
My last counseling session was a nightmare, i got angry and split on my counselor and also broke a chair, i cant remember any of this, all i remember is snapping into my body and im sitting on the floor. It took me a while to calm down and function again. I hate this shit when i split im not here i hate this fucked up mind of mine. My counselor asked me at the last appointment how i feel, i said that im already out the door and running. Im finding it very hard to keep going to the appointments. I stand outside and i have to force myself to go into the office. Its mad but i trust him, but cant face him.
I dont know if to run,stay,hide or just get the hell out and disappear again.
Whith the work i did in the army and for the home office i should not be scared or want to hide, but i do. I feel the same as i did all them years ago when i was a little kid. Life just seems to be closing in on me and i cant handle it anymore. Its all gone to shit in a hand basket.

Sorry to everyone but i had to get it out of my head for a minute or two. I just want to scream and smash the shit out of somthing.

This site has helped and the people here have helped me in so many ways, but i dont know if i should stay or go, its all falling apart.

Sorry for all this shit..and for dumping all this on you all.


#189889 - 11/04/07 11:11 AM Re: Not in my right mind. *****TRIGGERS***** [Re: SEVEN ARROWS]
dgoods Offline

Registered: 10/15/07
Posts: 622
Loc: Richmond area
Thanks for posting, i would much rather you "dump" than vanish.
One thing that may be helpful to think about is that your previous "government work" may have reinforced the compartmentalization that we surviviors accquire as a survival skill, and i'm sure that having national security reasons for not being able to talk about situations doesn't help either.
Gv't organizations aren't known for caring much beyond results in "special" lines of work. I have done things and been places i couldn't handle now, but was able to at the time b/c the walls were firmly in place- so don't beat yourself up over that. I hope you're able to keep using the site at least as a safety valve, there are others in the same boat as far as having other reasons to stay off the radar. I don't know the answer, but if you'd rather be "left to lurk" in chat, that's fine w/ me, i just don't want to make the mistake of ignoring someone who's not ready to stick their neck out, but still wants to talk. If i'm someone you feel more comfortable with generally speaking, don't hesitate to PM me here or in chat, or if it's somebody else, don't let fear get in the way of getting what you need.
Remember, if you vanish, after a while the panic subsides, but you may find yourself in a position ready to reach out, but w/o the physical ability to do so. I sense a lot of shame around your period of homelessness, you know you're worth more than that, please don't end up back there again out of a moment of panic-driven decision making- i don't know you personally of course, but we are all brothers in recovery; nobody here will look down on you for asking for help. Years ago i had a long conversation on a bus-ride w/ a Vietnam vet; in retrospect we were probably drawn to each other by the common experience of hidden pain that couldn't be shared w/ others; we never talked about anything heavy, but just knowing someone else understands "that look in your eyes" had us chatting away like old friends, for that hour and a half.
Running only satisfies that urge of "Gotta go now!"-
in the long run, no matter where you go, there you are.

Give sorrow words: the grief that does not speak
Whispers the o'er-fraught heart and bids it break.

-William Shakespeare, Macbeth, Act IV, Sc. III

#190014 - 11/05/07 11:30 AM Re: Not in my right mind. *****TRIGGERS***** [Re: dgoods]

Registered: 08/12/07
Posts: 1298
Thankyou for answering my post. I want to say a lot of things about my past but im ashamed, and i have so much shit to contend with now in my life, when people ask how am i, i just say im ok.
When in truth my life is shit and getting worse. Not a day goes by that i dont feel like running and just hiding. Ive missed two T appointments because of how scared i feel, then when i got the nerve up to go, it went to shit. The T keeps saying its ok and this is part of healing, but its getting too much.



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