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#189875 - 11/04/07 01:32 AM Re: Hate opening up to the wrong idiot
dwchan Offline

Registered: 03/11/05
Posts: 11
Loc: Vancouver, BC
I've been feeling pretty vulnerable lately and two days ago I opened up my latest struggle to someone I've known for about two months. He is a new co-worker who just joined our team and we became partners during the course of the last two months. Why would I open up to him? Because I thought he would understand... because I was simply desperate... and because I was stupid. The worst thing is that he just laid the law on me and asked if I knew that the Bible was against what I was telling him... what a stupid question! Of course, I knew what the Bible says...anyway, I just wanted to air out my frustration here. I felt so stupid afterward and wish I could untold what I told him!! I hate being vulnerable. All my senses are not functioning normally. I am one stupid man...


"But in all these things we more than conquer through Him who loved us." Rom. 8:37

#189892 - 11/04/07 07:11 AM Re: Hate opening up to the wrong idiot [Re: dwchan]
dgoods Offline

Registered: 10/15/07
Posts: 622
Loc: Richmond area
I've been there, not in terms of opening up about SA-related stuff, but i've inadvertently scared off potential friends, g/f's, screwed myself over in initially comfortable work or class environments, etc. just b/c i had such a strong need to share, blurting out something and watching other's faces freeze or frown, watching people shut up when i walked in a room, seeing people whispering to each other when they'd be all smiles to my face, and so forth. I know the feeling of "Stupid, stupid, STUPID!!" For a long time, i'd either talk to no one about anything, or blab my history of depression, suicide attempts, etc. to any friendly-seeming face (being drunk or high made it twice as bad). There's a middle ground that can be hard for us to find- you're not stupid, just in need of some validation.
I've had episodes of being mercilessly toyed with and mocked, but i know today that the world's supply of jerks isn't running low anytime soon, and i just have to be careful what i say and to whom. Just like others can't read your mind, you can't read theirs either. We often think that it's all or nothing, but it almost never is- don't hate yourself or give up on finding someone you can be open with, the internal conflict and pressure won't go away by turning your back on it. I hope this helped...

Give sorrow words: the grief that does not speak
Whispers the o'er-fraught heart and bids it break.

-William Shakespeare, Macbeth, Act IV, Sc. III


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