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#177340 - 08/31/07 06:39 AM Re: About to do something really bad [Re: Barney]
pietie Offline

Registered: 01/23/07
Posts: 326
Loc: South Africa
There is some very nice resources available on the net. Some really helped me understand what I am going through.

Most important. Dont act out!! Be careful about the people you meet on the web as well. Usually they are only interested in one thing. Have you ever thought of how many "other" people these guys meet as well. Take it from me its experience talking :-)

Not Perfect, just forgiven

#178134 - 09/04/07 11:28 AM Re: About to do something really bad [Re: Barney]
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA

Originally Posted By: Barney
I personally, have tried to get a lot of information about why the attraction exists in the context of being a survivor...

I think a large part of the reason for this confusion lies in the fact that it's in childhood that we begin to lay down the foundations for our sexual thinking. That's a scary and intimidating area for kids, and they work on it very gradually: trying out ideas, talking and relating to and experimenting with peers, processing information from parents and school, and so on.

But when a boy is sexually abused all those foundations may be wrecked or called into question. Instead of building further, the boy begins to learn a whole array of false lessons about himself and about sex and sexuality. I still remember the ones I learned: "Sex is what grownups do to hurt kids", "This is all I am good for", "Sex hurts", "He wants me like this because I'm bad", and so on.

With all that burden loaded on him, how is a boy to figure out who he is sexually, what he really wants, and what's good for him? Bear in mind also that for him all the customary taboos of certain places we don't touch and certain things we don't do have gone entirely overboard. The boy's sense of boundaries is confused, if not entirely wrecked, and it's as if he has been reprogrammed in an entirely dysfunctional way.

I remember that too. When I got my first real job painting a house (age 15) I thought the guy hired me so he could take me to the house and fuck me; in high school, when my astronomy teacher invited me to come to his house late one night to stargaze (age 17) I again thought the whole thing was a set-up. But what's really significant is that in both cases I went, knowing (I thought) what was expected - it just didn't matter anymore. And did it change my mind when the house really was a painting job and the stargazing was an astronomy club? Nope! I was astonished, but my messed-up thinking was too deeply ingrained to be changed that fast or so easily.

So no wonder a boy is confused when the abuse ends. The physical harm may be over, but unless the boy gets help the emotional damage will just continue on into adulthood. Sometimes in obvious ways, but in other cases in ways we don't even notice.

Granddad, your urges to connect with guys could be a case of this. Abuse places a huge emotional burden on a boy, and as I said, that doesn't go away just because he grows up. He may have a whole bunch of unresolved feelings that come up and torment him later on. And because he can't resolve them he seeks to cope by reenacting them.

For example, your feelings could originate with the abused boy's feelings of helplessness and defenselessness - that is, you recall how out of control everything was. So you seek to respond to this by acting out this scenario now in adulthood: you select the partner, the time, the place, and you decide what will happen and how things will end. That is, you are restoring a sense of control that you didn't have in childhood.

Another possibility is that the abuse left you feeling (as was the case with me) ashamed and feeling worthless and deserving of punishment. Connecting with guys would allow you to exact punishment against yourself.

I doubt this applies in your case, but it also happens that a genuinely gay man is cut off from his true sexuality by abuse. He equates gay sex with the things that happen in abuse, not seeing that homosexuality has nothing to do with child abuse: the one is a matter of choice between sharing partners and the other is a crime committed against an innocent child.

Acting out is never a solution to our problems of confusion, bro, so I would advise you not to give in to the temptation to go down that road. It becomes a very destructive cycle and is harder to break out of the longer one stays in it. The answer is to find a good therapist who can guide and advise you through all the difficulties and complexities of this issue.

Hope this helps a bit.

Much love,

Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)

#178297 - 09/05/07 02:14 AM Re: About to do something really bad [Re: roadrunner]
Grandad Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 02/12/06
Posts: 5
Loc: NC
Larry thank you for your time in responding to the post. I have extremely bad ongoing urges and what struck me most was how you are so right about how messed up we get with our thinking in relation to our friendships with other men. If a new buddy would call me and say he would like to hang out I would immediately think he wanted to hook up with me. So it goes on and on sex is just connected to everything...I will seek out that T somewhere and get help. Thanks so much..

#182275 - 09/25/07 03:10 PM Re: About to do something really bad [Re: Barney]
jakemed Offline

Registered: 08/23/07
Posts: 37
If you want to act out, let your wife go first. The pain and guilt you will gather in acting out within your relationship will damage you even more. I know, I have also been down that road. I also believe that no matter how much gay sex you have out there, it will never fill you up unless you heal yourself first. like a sexual bandage on an open wound.

I also know how strong that pull is, I was once spiraling as you are now. Get a good therapist, one who believes you can heal AND have a wonderful life with your wife. And if you chose to leave, than do it honorablly and continue on in your search for some comfort and calm from your pain...jake

#182342 - 09/26/07 12:25 AM Re: About to do something really bad [Re: jakemed]
Lazarus Offline

Registered: 07/01/07
Posts: 851
Loc: Below the radar, USA

From someone who's been there and done that, I can tell you that I managed to live the double life for close to 30 years. I din't want to hurt my wife, and I loved my family, but the urge was too strong for me to resist. Fortunately for me, I travelled a lot for business...

I debated divorcing my wife many times. When it finally happened, it was not the result of her finding out about my other life, it was because I found a website decicated to women with gay husbands. Over time, I sort of became their poster-boy, the 'other side of the story'. Through the help of the therapist who ran the site, I came to understand that I was hurting my wife more than helping her by keeping us together. She deserved a man who loved her as a woman (which I could not do) and I deserved to be loved physically as well as emotionally. Eventually, I came out to my wife and we discussed all of this ad infinitum. We had our various reasons for staying together, I loved her and she loved me emotionally, but in the end, sex won out. We even tried the 'open relationship' thing to fill the gap in our lives, but as often is the case that didn't work.

In the end, I left her as much because I loved her as because I wanted something she couldn't give me. I remember her lamenting, "My husband tells me that he is gay, and I love him more than ever!" I know my story is exceptional and that it doesn't usually end this way, but it is the truth. We have been divorced for 7 years now and we are better friends than we ever have been.

I can't advocate cheating on your wife. If you can't control your desires, and whatever help you find doesn't help, I think it's time to take your wife into your confidence and tell her the truth. Who knows what solution you may find together.

I wish you the best,


"That which does not kill us, surely makes us stonger." - Neitsche

#189624 - 11/02/07 07:40 AM Re: About to do something really bad [Re: Lazarus]
Csmith Offline
New Here

Registered: 06/05/07
Posts: 12
Loc: Portland, OR

You say she deserved a man who loved her as a woman. Could you go into this please? I have my own understanding, since I've felt like this myself. For the first time in my life, though, I have moments of feeling like I CAN do this. I am making conscious effort to fight the voice that says "you can't offer her what she needs" or vice versa, and it seems to be working! The thing is, I still spiral down at times. I put so much pressure on myself to feel "Loving" towards her at the drop of a dime. I think too much.

What was it like in the beginning of your marriage? Did you ever feel like you were loving her as a woman? What sort of give and take DID you have? You obviously could be sexual with her, so may I ask what this was like?

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