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#189347 - 10/31/07 08:58 AM Re: Rob [Re: Kathryn]
dgoods Offline

Registered: 10/15/07
Posts: 622
Loc: Richmond area
sorry if it seems like i'm "invading" F&F, but i'm just trying to learn future pitfalls to avoid, hope that's OK, maybe there's some perspective i can offer from "the other side" too-
I was never abused by my mother, but one of my HUGEST resentments was feeling a complete lack of privacy, even mentally; my mother's always been very intelligent and perceptive, and would make even minor deceptions nigh-impossible. I would imagine most non-survivor children have strong needs for separate identity establishment and privacy, past a certain age; but for me, i felt that keenly much earlier, for obvious reasons. I think mom saw this, and it bothered her, and made her try harder to pick my brain, and felt OK w/ "tricking" me into talking/being less secretive; or, if i was stubborn about it, she'd be unable to hide her frustration at not getting 100% from me, and inform me she'd get to the bottom of it, one way or another..listening to my phone conversations, etc. This was all even before i was abused the 2nd time @ 12. Of course, the harder she pushed, or the more clever her psychology or detective work, the more desperate i became to gain a place she couldn't reach me, and the more determined my resistance became. I didn't WANT her to "understand" me; i wanted out of the fishbowl, or to find a nice tear-proof curtain for it. "But i'm your MOTHER!" Yeah. Exactly, Mom. How 'bout cracking open an ice-cold can of BACK OFF? Many other times, however, i was grateful to have such a smart mom who i could go to w/ stuff, (excepting the abuse, NOBODY got that out of me) and who knew how to make me smile.

My point is, if i had these boundary issues, w/o maternal SA, i can't even imagine what Rob might have on his plate. i know that my boundary issues got replayed in my past relationships; i was always searching for that dream woman who was intelligent and empathetic enough to love me, and "read" me well, but who was *never* frustrated by arbitrary emotional/mental "NO TRESPASSING" signs being suddenly erected.
...What do you mean, "there is no such animal?" heh.
More vicious cycles ensued, etc. Of course, i tended to find women w/ boundary issues of their own, which didn't help matters.

...Well, typing all this helped me out a little; i hope it offered you something too.

Give sorrow words: the grief that does not speak
Whispers the o'er-fraught heart and bids it break.

-William Shakespeare, Macbeth, Act IV, Sc. III

#189457 - 11/01/07 09:50 AM Re: Rob [Re: dgoods]
Kathryn Offline

Registered: 02/08/07
Posts: 303


Of course you're not invading anything.

And I get what you're saying. Thanks.


#442020 - 07/24/13 03:57 PM Re: Adam -- P.S. [Re: Brokenhearted]
concerned_husky Offline

Registered: 08/30/12
Posts: 766
Originally Posted By: Brokenhearted
Thought this was interesting. Unfortunately my H is in the "Defeated" side from what I can tell....but maybe it is just too early for him to "choose sides."

Deep Inner Decisions that Allow Survivors to Heal

by Ellen P. Lacter, Ph.D., 2005


To choose life.******************************To consider death as an option.

To have deep inner reasons to live.**********To simply exist or look to others for reasons to live.

To find safety if suicidal feelings are not controllable.********************************To look to others to magically stop suicidal feelings.

To hunger for truth, despite the pain, for freedom.*************************************To run from truth and hope for healing without pain.

To take charge of ones memory work.**********To delegate memory work to therapists or others.

To be a loving parent to one's child parts.****To seek an external caregiver for ones child parts.

To be determined to love oneself.*************To give into feelings of unworthiness or defilement.

To defeat fear (except truly self-protective fear).*****To allow life choices to be fear-driven.

To defeat anger (except truly self-protective anger).*****To displace anger onto others or let inner parts do so.

To choose sex only in true, healthy relationships.*******To allow parts to sexually act out or be victimized.

To discover and process the trauma that causes parts to want to act out destructively or self-destructively.***************To allow parts to be destructive or self-destructive.

To be a thriver, to have an internal locus of control.******To be a victim, to have an external locus of control.

To be the leader of ones healing team.****************To want, expect, or demand that others lead.

To connect with others, to have close relationships.******To isolate.

To be kind and considerate of helpers and loved ones.*****To relate to others as if they are not doing enough.

To be financially self-sufficient, or work toward this.*****To expect others to take responsibility for ones life.

To lead. To have a mission to help others.*************To be childlike, to look for others to be caretakers.

Integration (or preserving a few co-conscious parts).******To let dissociated parts take executive control.

To be spiritually centered.*********************To have a weak spiritual foundation.

Stumbled upon this list/thread today. Pure gold. Thanks Brokenhearted.

"Only the solitary seek the truth, and they break with all those who don't love it sufficiently." - Pasternak

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