I am goign to share as much of my story as I can. i was molested when I was 10 years old from my moms bf. he went to jail and then my mom married him. So all my hopes and dreams were shattered---- fast forward to '97. My friend from High school was getting married in San Antonio and I went to the weeding only to see him marry the hottest women I have ever seen in my life. The next day I walked down to a woodsy area of th eriver and had a long talk with God. I creid as I tol him I needed help, that when is it my turn to love somebody, when am I goingto get get married? I told him that i want to meet wife take her away and then brin us back together at the right time. I hid fron the real world by playing guitar and i told god that I never got a chance to finish our songs, I told him I wanted to buy a house, I wanted to get a college education, what was m life going to be like If I grew up with my dad... now in 1999. I meet this girl that I felt I was going to marry adn the whole entire time I heard voices that very telling me she has to leave. so I said ok letes go and lets get this over. And so my healing began.. I was rear ended buy an off duty cop, who refused to get my medical help (he lost his job). A requirement to an accident was to talk to a pschyologist, and so I did. I faced the pain/denial/anger/rage/ from being molested. But soon teh money ran out from his(cop) insurance. So I told the pschyologist at my church adn he had a 40ish women working on her Psch degree and she would see patients for free. PERFECT... SHe and I met once a week, but in between our sessions I would go down to Starbucks with a pen, a spiral notebook and I would journal everything in my life from my relationships with my Aunts/ Uncles, cousins, teachers, adn fellow freinds. during this time moved into a friends house and rented a room. At this time I ran into my old singer adn he wanted to get the band back to gether, BINGO, I was able to finish those songs and write new ones. One day I wnet to go get my General Contractors license adn while I was taking my money out of th ebank I received a call from my cousin telling me my dad was in the hospital and I better go out and see him, He was only 61 and he has many years to go but i decided to see him after all. While out at diner I got back home from my sister that my dad had died. Well I here I got to go back to see how my life would have been if I had grown up there with him. I spent 6 months going over his stuff adn getting to know the people in the neighborhood. I also inherited 2 houses which I sold and bought new ones in California. So that was a healing experience. So I got my GC license adn started working.. I was miserable for 1 1/2 years adn then one day while watching football the feelin gcame over me to go back to school and so be it. I got up and shut down my company adn started looking for Chiropratic colleges and what the requirements are. So now I have been in school for 2 years. i am 36 years old now and I am still dealing with the verbal, physical, and sexual abuse... I am not done dealing with my stuff... but here is what I have learned hoping to give at least one person a hope..
1. All the abuse that has happened to me was external but "I had detroyed my self emotionally from the abuse" I told my self that I was not able to love enybody, nobody was going to love me, i am dumb and stupid. and other emotionally hurting self talk.
2. That everything that has happened to me is everything that is between my ears and not reality. I leaned to ask my self "is that real" when ever I had a thought that was emotionally bad self talk.
I have never stopped looking at my feelings my pain nor my perspective on life. i have gone through 19 college notbooks filled with my "crap." I hope this has givin someone a light to keep going and hold up the prize at the end and that prize is "YOU"