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#189932 - 11/04/07 05:53 PM Re: Should I ask for more information? [Re: WalkingSouth]
James_dup1 Offline

Registered: 04/13/02
Posts: 1332
Loc: Wyoming
Originally Posted By: walkingsouth
Spot on, Rob. And having it then turned back on you in some way with paranoia or accusations is an even worse hell than being asked to tell when you really don't wish to.


Yes it is. My ex did this to me. I shared with her parts of my childhood and in the end she used that information to hurt me to very core of my being. In fact that was the biggest issue in why I filed for my divorce.


I have more issues than Rolling Stone!

#189938 - 11/04/07 06:21 PM Re: Should I ask for more information? [Re: James_dup1]
Jem Offline
New Here

Registered: 10/22/07
Posts: 18
Loc: DC
I can understand that. H has used my issues of being an ACOA to hit me at my core. The affairs have dredged up all of the feelings of being unlovable, unworthy, abandoned...

Sorry, I'm having a bad day but I'm feeling like now I have to treat him w/ more care than he did me. He has told me that 'others have had a crappy childhood' yet goes on to say not him. Despite what happened to him over the course of two days, he experienced unconditional love and basically a happy childhood. Where I was being beaten with a belt for transgressions I didn't do. Doing my own laundry at 8yo and learning how to cook Hamburger Helper then too. He never had to do for himself until we moved in together and I refused to play mommy.

Just how the hell do I get the balance of something I don't even fully understand the scope of? I'm sorry if I am stepping on toes right now but I am so emotionally strained and reading that things like 'turning it back' on him (I can't even imagine, how does one do that?) and using this as a weapon...I just don't even know. Am I doing this in some way?

I haven't even talked to H a/b this except to ask if anything we have done has triggered him, if he gets triggers at all and to invite him to talk if he ever needs to. The answers to all of that is no.


#189943 - 11/04/07 06:38 PM Re: Should I ask for more information? [Re: Jem]
WalkingSouth Offline

Registered: 08/30/05
Posts: 16270
Loc: Waldport, Oregon

Please don't feel badly. Hell, life just sucks sometimes, you know? I truly love and feel for my wife in all of this, but her actions at times have not provided me with a warm fuzzy feeling of security and desire to rush in and let it all out to her. There are times when she has been a very unsafe person.

On the flip side of that I too have been the same for her. It's just a sucky messed up world we live in and negotiating the the path to recovery as a couple can be problematic and best and devastating at worst. The way we chose to approach the problem is through individual therapy for each of ua and couples therapy as well, otherwise we probably would not have survived as a couple.

To answer your question, I don't think anyone was accusing you of "turning it back" on him, but you did ask the question about asking him if he's willing to share what happened. You got some answers that I don't believe were intended to be critical at all, but were simply meant to try to help you avoid the pitfalls some of our wives, partners, etc. fell into.

I'd really recommend couples therapy as well as individual therapy for each of you. That is the only way the wife and I have been able to keep it together. Thankfully we're on the downhill slope now and it is feeling great.

Lots of love,


"Life's journey is not to arrive at the grave safely in a well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, totally worn out, shouting 'Holy Shit! What a ride!'" ~Hunter S. Thompson

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