Mike, i realize from your posts that i'm a lot younger, and your road sounds rockier than mine ever was, but i know the feeling of wanting to tell shrinks, doctors etc. "either offer some real help, or leave me the f-- alone." The only reason i ended up finding this site was being totally out of gas- too worn out and numb for suicide, getting wasted, anything. I felt myself wishing i was catatonic, that my instincts and feelings would just leave me alone. I had done like ForeverFighting since the abuse- i did such a good job forgetting, i didn't know why i was so screwed up. The only reason you see me posting right now is because a family member was able to help me out w/ the bills this month, i had driven off my fiancee w/ my bulls--, gotten laid off when the plant closed, and now i've got a friend (that i was honest with recently) telling me i should look into disability. I've been in two state hospitals in my life (so i know how the system can be), i have no insurance, no job, and no income, with rent, car payment and all the other bills staring at me. I'm afraid of looking for work b/c i'm frightened my resentment and anger will be harder to keep under wraps now that i'm starting to deal w/ all this.
I'm tired too- i notice already those same feelings that used to make me look for fights are popping up again. i'm tired of being the human version of the stray mutt that bites anyone who comes too close, who gets pitied from a distance, who nobody knows how to handle. Reading posts here sometimes helps, but sometimes it makes me feel worse, when i read a story where someone had a far more traumatic tale of CSA to tell, but now they've got great jobs and families and a whole different life, etc.("Gee, there's that feeling of 'why can't YOU do that?' again..."
i hate the fact that my outlook on life depends on mindless physical things like if i got enough sleep, blood sugar, etc. A week from now i may read this post and say, "wow, i must've been having a real rough day", but deep down that's no comfort- a week after that, i could be right back "here" again. I hate having the gut feeling that i'm more than some one else can take on, letting them fool themselves and me that they can handle it, and discovering i was right the 1st time. I'm tired of uncertainty, tired of having an "explosive temper", tired of panic attacks in crowded places, tired of fighting (positive or negative), i'm tired of listening to myself b----h about everything. I'm not blowing myself off, i just can't be perky or objective all the time, that's not honest.
Thanks for giving me a chance to get this off my chest mike.
Give sorrow words: the grief that does not speak
Whispers the o'er-fraught heart and bids it break.
-William Shakespeare, Macbeth, Act IV, Sc. III