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#188887 - 10/27/07 05:58 AM I never cried
Hauser Offline

Registered: 11/12/05
Posts: 2963
Loc: United States
I have been sexually abused as a child, by two different perps, my Mom left me when I needed her, my brother mocked and laughed at me when I disclosed the abuse to him. He laughed at a 9yo boy that was trying to ask for help after being molested. I had a father that didn't do anything about another sexual abuse incident that happened when I was 10 or 11. My brother Rick, who was 19 at the time, knew of the abuse and didn't tell my parents either. There is more but, my point is, I went through some major betrayals, all of which happened when I was very young and powerless.

And I never cried about it. Am I supposed to? Am I hindering my recovery by hiding behind this force-field?

I often here you guys say that you're "crying while I'm typing this" and "I cried after I read your post". Well, I would like to know how you do it. Why? Well, not much has really helped me feel better about myself, so I got to thinking. What if I was in a state that allowed me to cry for that cool 9yo kid that was betrayed by so many people in his life?

Am I missing out in my recovery? Do I need to cry?

#188899 - 10/27/07 10:45 AM Re: I never cried [Re: Hauser]
MemoryVault Offline

Registered: 03/02/07
Posts: 693
Loc: NJ
Hi, Alan --

I know that force field -- poking my way through it now. I've posted that something made me cry, but I usually say it because it's remarkable...more like, "Oh my God, that's a tear. Weird!"

One thing that helped me is to ask myself about not-crying, if that makes sense.

Are you not-crying because there's nothing really emotional happening right now and you just don't feel like it? (For me, true a lot of the time.)

Are you not-crying because you're a man and men are not supposed to cry? (Oh, yeah.)

Do you get to where you're about to cry, and then stop breathing, clamp down, because you're afraid you'll never be able to stop once you've started? You'll just collapse forever? (That's a big one!)

I just cried in public for the first time in over twenty-five the end of a survivor's play (Martin Moran's The Tricky Part). Okay, it was dark, and it was somebody else's story, not mine, and it happened because I was wrapped up in the play and wasn't thinking about "Am I about to cry? What does it mean?"

It isn't a breakthrough--I'm the same person now. I don't get to check off an accomplishment on some "recovery checklist." But it meant something. Just a moment where the force field came down and a little more of life's color showed through.


#189007 - 10/28/07 08:50 PM Re: I never cried [Re: MemoryVault]
trusty Offline

Registered: 05/15/07
Posts: 167
Loc: Indiana, USA
I think I didn't cry for the first 40+ years after my abuse because I refused to believe that it did any harm. So, this year, when I finally started studying about abuse, and seeing myself in all these books, and believing and understanding--FINALLY--why I am so fucked up, I started getting angry at my brother for doing this to me. And, I realized that I had carried all the shame inside me. And, that little 7 year old boy--Rusty--he didn't deserve that shame. So, I guess all the tears I have shed are for him. It's a lot to cry for...the innocence lost. The fear of relationships. The secrets. The confused sexuality. The need to run from anything controversial...I could go on and on.

Suffice it to say that now I cry almost every day. It doesn't always feel good either. Sometimes it hurts terribly. But, sometimes my wife and I cry together, and it helps us understand that we have both been hurt by my abuse (I didn't believe that for 24 years of marriage).

So...I hope if you do find the tears that they will be helpful to you. I'm glad I've been able to cry, as painful as the tears have been at times. the is a big trigger for my tears...even in my office at work. It's kind of crazy some times.

You are such a smart person for doing this search for the answers. Good luck.


"To be yourself in a world that is constantly trying to make you something else is the greatest accomplishment." - Ralph Waldo Emerson

#189008 - 10/28/07 09:13 PM Re: I never cried [Re: trusty]
mogigo Offline

Registered: 04/25/07
Posts: 1331
Loc: Colorado
Hey Haus, I've always been able to shed a tear, but that was all literally, a tear. Then I would shut it down immediatelty, but i did a excercise from the book "Championing your inner child", soory the Author's name is eluding me (anyone?) And the excercise was writing a letter to my adult self from my child self with my left (non-dominant) hand. It was a letter about how I needed my adult self to love me and take care of me and how much I needed him. It was the first time I've been able to really just let them flow, and they sure did flow.

I wouldn't think it would be a necessity for healing but it really does bring alot of release with it. I think tears are very healing.

I wouldn't just tell you to go ahead and do the excercise but it really was a moment of change when it came to tear's for me. If you do be careful, it was very powerful for me.

Stay strong

Edited by mogigo (10/28/07 09:15 PM)

#189012 - 10/28/07 09:40 PM Re: I never cried [Re: mogigo]
Hauser Offline

Registered: 11/12/05
Posts: 2963
Loc: United States
I tried that "non-dominant" hand writing technique last year. I spent a good 2 hours writing about 3 big paragraphs. I remember writing it in a peaceful place, and undisturbed. The letter was about the sexual abuse, the results that became of it, etc.

After about 4 paragraphs of writing it, I was not very impressed with any kind of new or profound feelings or memories, not at all. I was very careful to not drop or misplace that letter as I walked back home that warm summer evening.

I eventually burned it and had a shallow feeling inside, a feeling that this was yet another attempt to find healing in something that works for other people, but not for me.

A good friend from this site has been prodding me to write a letter to my abuser, the last time I wrote that letter however, I didn't share it with anyone, and I didn't write down the worst of the effects. There are some things I still can't share. I touched the surface of it but, the shame that surrounds the event(s) is still extremely hard for me to approach, let alone share. But I'm afraid I'm gonna have to if I want it to lose it's power over me. jesus........

#189023 - 10/29/07 12:16 AM Re: I never cried [Re: Hauser]
FLRich Offline

Registered: 06/21/04
Posts: 1404

I rarely if ever dried for decades. Death of loved ones, no tears. Anything extremely touching, no tears. In my head, I conciously remember thinking that I would not allow myself to cry over my abuse. That meant my perps had won. What I didnt realize was that they HAD won. I was making no one more miserable than myself.

I think the first time I can remember crying was a little while after i first came to MS. I was overwhelmed by the number of guys that had suffered as much or more than I had. I was not alone, and while this comforted me, I was sad because so many guys had been carrying this stuff around.

A little while after I began seeing a T, a few times in a session, my eyes may get moist, but no tears. I really didn't think I had anything to cry over. Nothing seemed to really matter enough to cry over in my own life.

Several things occurred that made me cry again.

When my son died, it was too much. I literally cried for hours straight. My eyes felt like they were on fire! I cried for days.

Afterwards I was still seeing my T, and I would cry, couldn't help it. He told me it was normal, that is why all the rooms had boxes of Kleenex in them.

Now I do cry at times. Sometimes I wish I didn't cry as much! I can cry listeneing to music now. I can cry if I see something really cool or really sad. I can feel now, and so if being embarrassed by some tears is all I have to deal with, then it's worth it!

Hauser, it is not something you can will yourself to do. One day it will just happen and when it does, it will scare the hell out of you, and shock you, but when your cry is over, you will feel like a new man.


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