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#197641 - 01/02/08 06:33 PM Re: I felt like the abuser [Re: cbfull]
LandOfShadow Offline

Registered: 12/11/07
Posts: 684
Loc: Minneapolis, Minnesota USA
Originally Posted By: cbfull
I often shirk off my partners attempts ....

it is because I have difficulty separating sex from sexual abuse.
I sometimes feel like sex is shameful and dirty...

Anyone else feel similar?

Yeah. It can be all pretty unconscious for me, and it really bugs him. Sometimes, it kind of leaks out and he gets angry at me.

Say guys, the thread about "Acting out" is really simular to this. Check it out...

Et par le pouvoir d’un mot Je recommence ma vie, Je suis né pour te connaître, Pour te nommer

And by the power of a single word I can begin my life again, I was born to know you, to name you

Paul Eluard

#198881 - 01/10/08 07:24 AM Re: I felt like the abuser [Re: Danbuff]
helios330 Offline
New Here

Registered: 01/10/08
Posts: 1
Loc: Illinois, USA
I am a 21 year old gay survivor and I can identify with you on sex. I read somewhere that male survivors sometimes find themselves either having sex without intimacy or only having sex with intimacy. I have found myself searching for sex, wanting intimacy, but ultimatly knowing I'm not going to find it that way...leaving me empty, ashamed, and feeling dirty. I too take on a passive role, always performing oral sex and becoming very uneasy when a man wants to perform on me although inside I scream for it.
After years of wondering why this is and with the help of some books I'm beginning to see that in a way i'm recreating my abuse. I was always the passive one, my abuser never touching me, and it seems I have been searching for someone to either say "no" or give me the love, etc I am craving for. I know that I want an intimate relationship but it's obvious i'm not ready to receive one! I am still at a point where i'm just expecting someone to use me and to feel worthless after. I seek out others who will make me feel this way. I just wanted to thank you for it was great to know someone else shared similiar feelings. Much appreciation, Helios

#198916 - 01/10/08 05:44 PM Re: I felt like the abuser [Re: helios330]
Danbuff Offline

Registered: 08/03/07
Posts: 249
Loc: NY state
I too appreciate that you have shared this also. It is important to recieve validation to reassure each other that we are not alone in what feels like a nightmare and hurts. I understand that frustration. I am 30 years older than you, so that may give you hope that you can get to a healthier place sooner than me.

I did not begin to work on this until it interfered with intimacy when I set up house together with a man and we were in a comitted relationship at age 34. I never completely resolved it. It was a lightning rod for conflict from my partner at the time. Intimacy was a trigger for repressed memories. He went to a few couples sessions with me. My T tried to explain the reactions to both of us. Steve never completely understood it. He began to hate my T, and distrust both of us. It became hard on him as well.

I have done a lot of work in therapy and this is the hardest work I have ever done and it spills over into all other life areas which are all linked to the abuse. Mine was incest and later with older boys outside of my family.

I now recall it also affected relationships with men prior to discovering the triggers back when I was age 34. I was very suicidal in my early twenties and the guy I lived with really "saved me". I was in Transactional analysis and briefly worked with a psychiatrist who put me on a drug called Thorazine and I was a zombie back in those days. I was paranoid beyond belief and cringe to look back at my paranoid behaviors, when all I wanted was to feel like I was ok and belonged somewhere. I have craved male attention and relationships. I either trusted too much or was completely distrustful. Those feelings would sway back in forth with everyone. The net result is pain, shame, confusion and lonliness. It was hell and chaos. I learned to repress and deny the memories for a long time. For a long time I was a clown and just a nice guy. Both those behaviors helped mask the shame, ugliness and insecurity I felt. It was a way to cope.

I now understand my insecurity and hard life is tied to the abuse as a child. It began at age 7 as far as I recall and perhaps earlier. It distorts reality. However, my current T is the best help I have ever recieved and I am gratified beyond measure at the progress I have made. I am comitted to the process and believe in hope and faith. I once had neither.

I hope that by my sharing this, gives you some comfort and encouragement in your own life. This place is full of understanding. It is the best site on the internet for my time.

Helios, I want to metaphorically wrap you in my love and understanding for what you are dealing with and the pain you feel. I reflect on the journey I have been on and am learning everyday this can get better and I am never alone. Keep trying my brother as you are worth the effort and you belong here. We never gave consent, we were coerced into the acts by adults or people we believed in or feared.

Hang in there Helios and have faith in yourself and God or whoever you think of as a all loving higher power. And last of all remind yourself it is not your fault.

With sincere love and wish for Peace,

When you stumble, make it part of the dance.

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