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#188637 - 10/24/07 06:19 PM I just found out, too.
Cassey85 Offline
New Here

Registered: 10/24/07
Posts: 2
Hi, all. My name is Cassey. I never thought I'd find myself here, but I'm looking forward to lots of help and meaningful friendships. Today was one hell of a morning. Here's my story.
My fiancee and I have been together for 5 years and engaged for 1. I've been through a lot in my life, and see him as my beacon of light (after God, of course). He's been there for me through so many things... my father killed himself, as did my best friend, and I was molested by a step-father. It took a long time, but I finally love me unconditionally and realize I am a worthwhile person, who deserves the best. And that's what I got with my fiancee. He's caring, loving, attentive, smart.. All the characteristics I desire. Our relationship was going great. We had finally gotten our own place, great jobs, and recently got a pet. We, I thought, were on cloud nine... until this morning.
My entire family has told me something is wrong with my fiancee's family. His father is warm, outgoing, a real pleasure to be around. As I lost my father, I look up to my f's father very much. His mother is a different story. The complete opposite of his father. A cold, bitter, vile woman who has on several occasions told her son he could do better, I'm just in it for the money (this is a prominent family). She goes out of her way to embarass me and her son. Last Christmas she even had a relative ask me how I thought I could measure up to being half the woman she was.
His sister... well.. I always thought she was a little wierd. She treats him like she loves him more like a lover than a brother. She has warned me and threatened me with harm before in regards to if I ever hurt him. She is odd, and a huge attention/approval seeker. She treats my f like crap, telling him he's the odd kid in the family and that their parents love her more. And she's serious.
Today, while we were driving about, we were talking about some wierd behavior he's been displaying. He won't shower, won't brush his teeth, won't shave, hardly helps with any housework, and is seeming to give up on a lot. In the midst of our discussion turned argument, my fiancee broke down and told me he was sorry, that he didn't know why he was acting this way, but he needed me more than ever... then he started sobbing... violently... and told me he 'doesn't want to be alone anymore'... then told me that when he was 5, his sister molested him. Twice. My heart sank.
I've spent the majority of my morning trying to find him some emergency counseling, which he's willing to go to. I assume the hygiene and self esteem issues are huge indicators of a potentially huge breakdown for him..... I want to help all I can. I love this man and will stick by him no matter what. My soul aches for him. My concern is that:
1. We have plans with his sister this weekend.
2. He asked me how I thought he might be able to tell if it happened again and maybe he forgot. I have no idea.
3. He seems to be in a grave depression. What are my indicators to watch out for?

Any help would be so appreciated as we trudge through this difficult time. Thank you.

#188639 - 10/24/07 06:48 PM Re: I just found out, too. [Re: Cassey85]
Jem Offline
New Here

Registered: 10/22/07
Posts: 18
Loc: DC
(((((Cassey and F))))
I don't have any advice except I would cancel plans with her for the foreseeable future. There is no need to be socially polite if you don't want to be IMO.


#188640 - 10/24/07 06:53 PM Re: I just found out, too. [Re: Jem]
Cassey85 Offline
New Here

Registered: 10/24/07
Posts: 2
Thanks, Jem. I think that might be best. The thought of her disgusts me right now, even though I'm sure its not her fault either. .

#188644 - 10/24/07 07:41 PM Re: I just found out, too. [Re: Cassey85]
Still Offline

Registered: 02/16/07
Posts: 7011
Loc: FEMA Region 1
Originally Posted By: Cassey85
3. He seems to be in a grave depression. What are my indicators to watch out for?

In my opinion, all the indicators are already there. He's in big depression-trouble. You need to get him help ASAP. I'd get him into a hospital right now.

#188662 - 10/24/07 10:01 PM Re: I just found out, too. [Re: Still]
honey girl Offline

Registered: 10/09/06
Posts: 245
Loc: Midwest US
Dear Cassie,
I am sorry to meet you this way, too.
But I think we're both in the right place.
Don't take this at all lightly--I mean his current emotional state. I agree with Robbie and Jem. It's not the time to be polite and carry on as nothing has happened with his sister. A big confrontation is not necessary for getting out of the social commitment; some kind of noncommittal excuse should suffice.
If he is having a hard time with the activities of daily life to such an extent, this is a serious crisis and it's a good thing you're working on the counseling. Hospitalization might not be necessary, but you probably should not rule it out.
As for his question about knowing/not knowing: the professional literature varies about all of this, and probably the experiences from people here vary too. I would guess that probably there's some reason for him to wonder. But there may have been good reason for him to forget, too, and the recall process also should not be rushed.
Try to simplify your life for a while. This is going to take some serious time and attention. It sounds like it's a good thing that you have each other. Good luck. I'll be pulling for you both.

I'm just a poor wayfaring stranger, a million miles away from home.

#188665 - 10/24/07 11:01 PM Re: I just found out, too. [Re: honey girl]
dgoods Offline

Registered: 10/15/07
Posts: 622
Loc: Richmond area
He's hurting bad; I was in a similar spot not very long ago, but alone after some serious bridge-burning. I'm heartened to know that he's got someone like you, he could tell you, and that he's willing to seek help. Not to be rude, but it's nuts to worry about canceling plans with the sister.

Strangely, i can identify w/ your side of the coin too- i dated a girl who had been abused by her older brother when she was 11, her family was "prominent" but deeply sick- I remember being highly uncomfortable with the dynamics i saw while having dinner with her family. The father mercilessly put the mother down the entire time, grinning throughout, as if he was showing off for my benefit, and everyone just sat there like this was normal, only my g/f was embarrassed.

The mother was perpetually wacked out on pills and booze, the nonabusive older brother had managed to find a wife that looked almost exactly like a younger version of his mother (when meeting them, i told my g/f later "you never told me you had a sister!", i assumed the wife was the relative). The father was quite the respected psychiatrist, with a professorship at a prominent university. My g/f ended up calling me once, telling of patients of his finding their (very large) house, and harassing them repeatedly, showing up at 3 am. demanding he come out, etc.

Shortly thereafter he got in deep s--t, for getting most of his patients strung out on pre>
Give sorrow words: the grief that does not speak
Whispers the o'er-fraught heart and bids it break.

-William Shakespeare, Macbeth, Act IV, Sc. III

#188734 - 10/25/07 01:54 PM Re: I just found out, too. [Re: dgoods]
beccy Offline

Registered: 05/28/06
Posts: 449
Loc: england
Cassie, hello and welcome,

I am so sorry to hear what your bf is going through, but so relieved to hear he has told you and you sound so loving and supportive. He can trust you and that's the very best thing. Also it's a very good sign that he has aggreed to talk to someone.

Without wanting to undermine the seriousness of depression, or in some cases, the necessity for medication, I also wanted to say equally try not to panick or get too freaked-out by his emotional state........As someone who suffers with depression myself, i do absolutely understand the debilitating effects it can have on a person's life, but I also believe that with good proffessional help and support and understanding(especially from a partner), it is possible to work through and round to dealing with feeling the emotions suppressed underneath the depression......we do live in a culture that finds it oh so very difficult to deal with or even acknowledge the process and relevance of 'break-downs', grieving etc.......people seem to find emotional extremes in these areas to be very threatening and scary, when in actual fact, they are completely normal reactions/responses and processes following trauma etc

He is very fragile right now, but he has you by his side and is open to therapy. Look after yourself the very best you can and keep on loving him. You're doing all the right things by guiding him towards professional help and coming here.

Stay strong


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