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#188599 - 10/24/07 01:58 PM Re: Just Found Out [Re: indygal]
Jem Offline
New Here

Registered: 10/22/07
Posts: 18
Loc: DC
All this is just so overwhelming, trying to sort things out.

I know this is minimizing here, I have tried for years to not do this. But I feel so guilty saying 'abuse' when there are women who are broken, bruised and even dead from what their H's have done. "All" H usually did was grab, shove, pull. Twice he lifted me off my feet. He has never hit front of the kids of ever. What he did in front of the kids was pin me to the stairs to take a phone number I had found. He claimed it was a secure line at work and he'd be in trouble if I called it, turns out it was the other woman's. I made it clear if anything like this happened ever again (the physical stuff or an affair) I am gone. We are planning on having my lawyer put together a post-nup so I never have to fear leaving again. This affair has caused me to put my boundaries in place.

H. is willing to continue MC. To my amazement, he has even agreed to take a look at this site. He wants me to feel safe and I have told him that unless he at least checks in with someone about this, I will be afraid of more cycling. One year of therapy over 20yrs ago doesn't mean it's 'fixed'. Then there are all his other childhood issues.

I do see a true, honest and sincere change in him. But I am not fooling myself that him wanting to change is enough. We both need help to keep our family healthy and nurtured.

I have been reading this site. It is upsetting and triggering. Do any of you know where to go if you suspect CSA in your past but can't remember it? I remember my mom doing a couple of sexualized things with me but reading some of the stories makes me wonder if there was more. I remember her french kissing me, having me kiss my little brother's bare butt. Now I remember playing highly sexual games before I was even 10yo. I don't know if that's normal or not...playing Doctor naked at 8yo? Looking at my dad's Playboy mags and being aroused. My T says that since mom seems to be borderline personality disorder, she might have experienced CSA. Could she have passed that on to me and perhaps my siblings?

How do I retrieve the memories? Where do I even start? Should I even want to?

I am so thankful I found this site. I am amazed that so many have show caring not only for H., the CSA victim, but for me and our children also. I'm seriously crying and can only hope that we can walk the path of healing together and give our children the chance at a normal childhood we never had.

Edited by Jem (10/24/07 01:58 PM)

#188609 - 10/24/07 03:08 PM Re: Just Found Out [Re: indygal]
Still Offline

Registered: 02/16/07
Posts: 7011
Loc: FEMA Region 1

There's a lot to your questions. More than I can begin to answer right now. Just realize that you and your husband and kids are SO not alone in this. You will learn a lot here. You will receive tons of support. Again, Welcome...sorry you have to be here.


#188621 - 10/24/07 04:13 PM Re: Just Found Out [Re: Still]
honey girl Offline

Registered: 10/09/06
Posts: 245
Loc: Midwest US
Dear Jem,
Well, as you will see (if you haven't already), there are a lot of F & F posting here who are also survivors.
The focus on this website is on how we relate to the men in our lives who have been SA, but along the way we survivors also support each other in our recovery. They're not mutually exclusive processes, even if it's important to make sure they're not treated as if they were the same. (I hope that makes sense.)
I'm sorry you're thinking it's something you have to deal with as well. On the other hand, if you are ready to ask some of those questions, there are very, very good sources of support available--on line as well as in real life.
Let me offer a few more suggestions at the moment:
Put your safety and your children's safety at the top of your priority list. Sounds like you are, generally; keep that up. Your H is grown and can take care of himself, however badly he may choose to do that ;\) but your kids depend on you.
Recovery, especially in the early stages, can be emotionally strenuous. It takes a lot of energy, patience, and perseverance. As eager as you might be to have the issues in your life (from your childhood as well as from your H's childhood) addressed and resolved, it won't happen immediately. Progress is absolutely possible, but it's not a simple or straightforward process. It is really important to know that you each are in charge of your own recovery processes, and that it's simply not possible to have it happen on someone else's timeline.
If you can, see if you can clear the decks of any other, non-essential sorts of obligations and activities before you plunge into serious therapy. And see how many emotional and practical support systems you can establish, too. It can get pretty rough, pulling out all that old stuff.
Good luck. I'm pulling for you.

I'm just a poor wayfaring stranger, a million miles away from home.

#188849 - 10/26/07 10:27 PM Re: Just Found Out [Re: honey girl]
Jem Offline
New Here

Registered: 10/22/07
Posts: 18
Loc: DC
Thank you for the replies. I am not sure where to start- for either one of us. I described the incidents to H and he said he didn't ever do anything like that when it came to playing doctor. But that if something had happened, I would likely remember?

H has agreed to check this site out, but that's as far as he's gone in the issue. He says it's in a box in his past, dealt w/ a year of therapy nearly 6yrs after the fact.

Any sites to start with? I'm looking through the books trying to find one he won't object to. He won't go to IC but maybe if we could bring it up in MC when we can set up an appointment?

I'm so worried that we're just putting a band-aid on the problem again and years from now it will all implode.


#198277 - 01/06/08 11:09 PM Re: Just Found Out [Re: Jem]
lostcowboy Offline

Registered: 11/10/04
Posts: 798
Loc: Rhode Island
Hi Jem, read your other message, but remembered this one. It sounds like your husband is still into power and control. While he can change it is up to him, you cannot change him. The same is true about his sexual abuse, he has to want to get help himself.

Lately I have been reading the books of Patrick J. Carnes, PH.D., most of them are about sexual addiction, but the one I want you to read is, "The Betrayal bond, Breaking free of Exploitive relationships".

A book for your husband to read is, "For Men Only by Shaunti and Jeff Feldhahn", also try and get him to read "Men are from Mars and women are from Venus".

You need to read up on the The Wheel of Power and Control, make a list of what all your husband has been doing to condition you, and take it with you to counseling. PS: read the rest of the web pages.

Take care,

"Don't walk in front of me, I may not follow. Don't walk behind me, I may not lead. Just walk beside me and be my friend." - Albert Camus
Pretty much my life as I have posted so far. Triggers!

#198601 - 01/08/08 03:15 PM Re: Just Found Out [Re: lostcowboy]
Jem Offline
New Here

Registered: 10/22/07
Posts: 18
Loc: DC
I didn't want to bump this up by replying, but really, I just shied away from your reply lostcowboy.

The truth is I have realized when a post makes me want to run, or cry, I need to come back to it and really listen to the advice b/c it hits close to home.

Much of what is said on here does. Things have gotten progressively better over the years (if one can ignore the affairs \:\/ ) but looking at that wheel...well, H has used each of those at some point in our history (16yrs this month). Much of it was dismissed by me as my father did some of the same things.

We've been reading "For Men Only" and "For Women Only" and read "Men are From Mars" years ago. I'll find the other book and read that.

My T left the practice and I need to find a new T. H is only willing to do MC, possibly w/ our pastor if we cant find someone. The last one never called him on lying to me and the T a/b not ending the affair, so I refused to go back. It became the 'what's wrong w/ Jem' show and since I had my own T for that, I didn't want to go through it in MC!

If H isn't willing to look at possible issues from his abuse, is there anything at all I can do to help him heal? Issues that can be obliquely addressed?

ETA- he's not using any of those tactics on the wheel anymore. Gradually, they have dropped from his behavior and the fallout from this affair killed the last of it, or so it seems. He understands I am starting to stand up for myself. I have a support system in place (my close friends are 2hrs away but my church is a few streets away). I will (and have) goen there for help.

Edited by Jem (01/08/08 03:18 PM)

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