I am sorry that you had a difficult time. Personally, I would agree with those who have remarked that it's really challenging to have a fruitful discussion with your bf's therapist. The connection is between the two of them, and it's not easy even for experienced therapists to be open to a third party, no matter how important s/he may be to the client.
It appears from what you say that you had a set of expectations that was not met at all. Sometimes it's that distance between what you hoped to get and what you did get that's difficult. Is there anything that you did get out of it that will be useful to you--if only for what you aren't likely to be able to obtain through this route?
I would guess that you have been here on this site long enough to appreciate perhaps the single greatest challenge we all as F & F have in accompanying our dear one who is coping with this: patience.
Patience is the first and last watchword and probably every other one in between.
There have been several other threads from people about the "what do survivors want F & F to know?" sort of question. The composure to be patient is very high on the list (after believing the disclosure, probably).
I know, I am not the queen of patience myself. I wish this damn process were over with already, a long time ago.
But that is not my choice. The choice I do have is whether to wait it out or to give up. To accept his apologies and plans to be more considerate, or decide I've had enough. Oh, there is one more choice, too: to take care of myself in the meantime!!!
Think about it. One of the absolute worst parts of CSA is having experienced such a profound lack of control. The desire to re-establish control for many survivors is then an imperative. To "make" someone talk, or disclose, or do anything about this to satisfy someone else's perceived need can be then painfully reminiscent of the original abuse.
The internal processes involved in healing are pretty amazing; a lot of inner wisdom can be perceived over the long haul. It's very, very easy in recovery to be overwhelmed and flooded by emotion and memory--and very hard to function in everyday life in that condition. Pressure or haste really tend to be counterproductive. So most of the time, pacing so that one isn't overwhelmed seems to be the preferred path. (I realize sometimes the other way just insists on happening for some people, too.)
Most of the time, I don't directly mention my own experience as a CSA survivor, but here it seems pertinent: my recovery (ongoing) was very absorbing and disruptive for YEARS. I'd estimate I was in active therapy for about two and a half years, some of that for multiple sessions per week, before I really felt like I was starting to get clear. Now, I had a lot of personal complications that had to be untangled too, but this is just to suggest that the time frame for recovery is not necessarily a short one. It's different for everyone, though!
As long as I am in the process of giving you advice, I will add one other observation.
From my point of view, being selfless is asking for trouble, eventually. Generosity, kindness, sympathy--sure. Selflessness...it makes me wonder what's really at stake.
Yes, it's ok to be angry and frustrated. You're human. But empathy is really what's important here. How would you feel if you were in his position?
And you know, as much as we all believe as an article of faith that CSA has all kinds of serious effects, it is not so fun to be reminded of that all the time. We are more than our abuse, or even our recovery. Our lives are irrevocably affected by it, but that is not the only factor that has been important in making us who we are.
I encourage you to step back, catch your breath, get some perspective, and see if you can set something else at the center of your life for a while....
(I should remind you--this is a statement coming from someone who is taking more time out from work right now than she can really afford--so you see, the advice is for me, too
Good luck, Kelly. Try to take a break, and have some fun with your bf. Too much doom and gloom is really discouraging.