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#187296 - 10/15/07 07:01 PM Here's your chance (Speaking to an abuser)
Leosha Offline

Registered: 06/18/03
Posts: 3614
Loc: Right here
One of my abusers was my father. Severe physical and emotional abuses, and some sexual also (that is a bit foggier, as I remember it as someone disocciated, not as 'myself'). I have not seen him, to talk with him, since I was 10. He has called me a few times, we have communicated in that way a few times in last 5 years, and I have given him money (for what, I don't really know, but whatever). But I have not seen him, I have never confronted him, and I have not even spoke to him in few years now. He lives in another country, and at one point, when I was there for an event, I did actually seek him out, and just watched him one day, going to work, coming home. Yes, I followed him, stupid, but it was what I was capable of at the time.

I have an event in this country, near to the city he lives in, next month. I am contemplating confronting him on the past shit. Problem is, I have no idea what I would say to him. I have no idea what I would expect from it, other than to maybe vent and exorcise some demons. I would not be expecting an apology or anything from him that any half decent human being would offer. I think perhaps it is a perverse thing, that perhaps I want to do this mainly to see the look on his face as I do it, for him to recognize his past, his past actions, and that I am a grown man now and he can't do shit to me.

But, that gets back to before. What do I say? Where to start? So I thought I would pose it here. I have seen it here as a subject before, but I can not find it, I think it was some years ago. So here it is again.

What would YOU say to your abuser(s), if you had the chance to confront him/her/them? What questions would you want answered, what comments would you make, what would you want them to know about you and your life? Would you want them to know how hard it is been for you, or would you want them to think that you are just so strong, you have dealt with it flawlessly? I realize that everyone's answers will not work for me, as we are all different. And truly, I do not know I will do this, and what even my motivations of it are, whether to give him a chance to try to explain himself, or am I just wanting to do a mindf**k on him? Not sure. And I would not do anything until I better understand my own motivations. But I thought I would put this out here, for now, to start a discussion on it, and see what kind of thoughts, answers, and comments others would be thinking important to them.

Thanks, in advance.


Avatar photo in memory of my younger brother Makar.

"Human salvation lies in the hands of the creatively maladjusted."~~~Martin Luther King Jr., 1963

#187299 - 10/15/07 08:08 PM Re: Here's your chance (Speaking to an abuser) [Re: Leosha]

Registered: 02/13/04
Posts: 983
One word "WHY?"



"All I can do is be me, whoever that is"

#187316 - 10/15/07 08:59 PM Re: Here's your chance (Speaking to an abuser) [Re: OKIE MIKE]
FLRich Offline

Registered: 06/21/04
Posts: 1404

You father OWES you an explanation for his actions. He OWES you that!!! You only need to determine when you intend to collect on that explanation.

I would ask, what was so bad that he felt he had to do the things he did to you and to your little brother. I would ask why he has so much hate in him. Was he abused? If so, why would he abuse others so badly? I would ask how he can live with himself after the things he did to you and your brother.

Let him know that you are asking for your own peace of mind. Let him know a little of the hell you have lived thru, and are living thru now.

Finally, ask him how he has the balls to ever ask you for a dime. How could he possibly think you owe him anything?

I am sorry I seem so negative, but you know how I feel about the things he as done to you and your family.

At this point in the game, I see not a damn thing wrong with simply confronting him to watch him squirm. His ass should be in prison. He is getting off lightly having to squirm a bit.

He may have a miserable life, Leshka, but look at the life he has left you. You need to ask him anything you wish. It is ALL about YOU now, little Bro.

That said, I never will ask my perps anything. I don't ever want to even see them. My last one was killed in an auto accident, so this is not even an option for me. But Jesus, none of them were my dad, my own flesh and blood, who is supposed to love me and protect me.

I know that quite a few of the guys here were abused by their fathers, but I know of no one father that can get me this angry. I am angry because I care for you. I am angry because I know the hell you have lived thru.

I am so proud of you because even thru all the abuse, you have turned out to be a caring, kind, and considerate man. He doesn't deserve anything good from the life you have made for yourself. That was his choice. He could have been right there with you if he had wanted. He chose his path, and in the process made you suffer for his actions.

Probably not the answer you were looking for, but you asked, and you knew I was going to answer!

#187324 - 10/15/07 09:45 PM Re: Here's your chance (Speaking to an abuser) [Re: FLRich]
Elad 12 Offline

Registered: 02/15/05
Posts: 1176
Loc: on the coast
Hi Leosha,

Been a long time my friend. Hope you are well.
Here is part of a letter I wrote to my abuser:


We use to live in the same neighborhood and I've never forgotten you. I have not forgotten that you sexually abused me either. It has been a part of me all these years. Having experienced that at such a young age really has a way of fucking up ones life. It tends to work its way into every corner of my existence, into how I feel about myself and how I deal with so many of lifeís challenges. It is always there, hanging around in my head.

I know you are married with a family of your own and work for ________. I pray that I was the only one. Iím not asking you for anything. Iím giving you something. I think it is time that I hand this burden over to you. Iíve been carrying it since I was a child. I am just tired of being the one that is haunted by and canít forget what happened so many years ago. I am tired of the shame. I want to remind you in case you forgot. I want it in your head, haunting you, shaming you. I want you to feel guilty for messing up the life of a dear little boy. You were old enough to know better. This is your burden, not mine."

Leosha, I think it is time for your father to carry this burden. You have had it long enough. I'd give it to him then tell him to stay the hell out of your life. You don't need him and you owe him nothing.
Take care my friend,

#187341 - 10/16/07 01:31 AM Re: Here's your chance (Speaking to an abuser) [Re: Elad 12]
Ken Singer, LCSW Offline

Registered: 08/24/00
Posts: 5781
Loc: Lyons, CO USA
I think the article you were referring to is in:

Read it over and see if it makes sense in your situation. I believe the first confrrontation is almost always best done in writing, not in person.

Hope it works out for you.

Blissfully retired after 35 years treating sexual abuse

#187356 - 10/16/07 02:43 AM Re: Here's your chance (Speaking to an abuser) *DELETED* [Re: Ken Singer, LCSW]
ttoon Offline

Registered: 06/20/07
Posts: 977
Post deleted by ttoon

checkin out for a few weeks... whistle

#187394 - 10/16/07 11:52 AM Re: Here's your chance (Speaking to an abuser) [Re: ttoon]
ak Offline

Registered: 01/10/04
Posts: 1491

I think it is important, what you are doing to examine yourself, in what you want to do with this, and what you want to know. And it is I think, important that you know, you will probably not get what response you are hoping for, and maybe not any response at all. I also think it is important to you, that you do not do this alone, or in any way do it in way it can be 'compromise' to your safety.

To your father, I would probably want to ask him how he can live with what he has done. To continue on in life, acting as he is not the criminal he is. That is something difficult for me to understand, even as I think that there must be some difficulty to him to live with his actions. I do not know.

To mine own abusers, well, you know that I have confronted one, and forgiven him, and have had other communication with him of the past. I think the one I would most want to confront is the one who is now dead, and as Mike already say, to ask him 'why'? Because he was a good man, I do believe that, and not the kind of person you would think would abuse a child. Everything else of him was good and decent, and I do not know how it happen that he become involved in this. Aside of why, I think also I would want to know if ever he done it to any other person. I never asked him that as the abuse was happening, and it never hit in me that I was perhaps not the only one abused in that way by him. I know I was not only one for the others, but with him, I guess I still do not know, because I still see him as a good person who done not so good things to me.

You know I will be wishing you luck, and hope that you will do this safely if you do it at all. And to please not do it if you are not feeling safe to.


#187451 - 10/16/07 04:57 PM Re: Here's your chance (Speaking to an abuser) [Re: ak]
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA

I wish you well on this, but I hope you will take your time and do it in a way that's right for you. That is, don't aim for the date dictated by your tour schedule. I would rather see you write something to him and work on a good letter, like Ken suggests, and then see what you want to do from there.

If I were in your position, my friend, I think the biggest thing I would want to know about would be this: "Have you ever been able to forgive yourself for my little brother." I don't mean to diminish the importance of your own issues in any way, but for me, if I were in your situation that's what would be on my mind.

Much love,

Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)

#187473 - 10/16/07 08:37 PM Re: Here's your chance (Speaking to an abuser) [Re: roadrunner]
FLRich Offline

Registered: 06/21/04
Posts: 1404

I again was thinking with my heart and not my head. Forget the stuff I wrote earlier.

WRITE to him! Do NOT meet this man face to face about these issues. I am sure he will become a different man when confronted, than the man he is looking for an undeserved handout.

#187579 - 10/17/07 08:51 AM Re: Here's your chance (Speaking to an abuser) [Re: FLRich]
VN Offline

Registered: 06/03/05
Posts: 723
I agree with what others have write, and I think, for me, along with 'why', would be 'how'. How can they do this, how can they think is all right, how can they continue to live knowing what they done.

I also will say, please be safe if this is something you feel you can and want to do.


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