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#186541 - 10/11/07 06:30 PM Why This?
alphabravo Offline

Registered: 10/09/07
Posts: 56
Loc: Boston, MA
Why does THIS hurt so much?

First; I thank God that I found this place and all of you. I feel I have nobody I can turn to and tell of my pain. I feel really alone. Coming to this site is a great help. Thank all of you for the support and I hope to get to a place where Iím able to support you in the future. . .

I was abused as a very young boy on two separate occasions by Older Brothers of friends. This has never left me and I realized it affects everything I do and who I am to this day. The pain is great and I hope to let go of all the sadness. But why has these events effected me in such a way? I have had many other ďtraumaticĒ experiences but carry no pain with them.

I donít share my first memory with people, but I feel I can here. Itís of the American Airline DC-10 that crashed after take off from Chicagoís OíHare in1979. It happened about 3 miles from where I lived. I remember the smoke in the sky, the adults all being scared and the sound of the emergency crews racing to the crash site. I NEVER have any worries or second thoughts about flying.

As a young teenager I slipped on some rocks while swimming. I hit my head and knocked myself out. I remember coming to while the water started to fill my lungs, I easy could have drowned. I shook it off and jumped back into the water. To this day I still love water.

My parents did the best they could, even though they did not protect me from the abuse. I understand that they are good people and love them dearly. I look at them with peace and love and look forward to being a father myself one day.

In college, in a European Literature class, I had to read two books by Jane Austen. What dry boring stuff and would not force this author on anyone. I still enjoy reading the classics. (Ok, I really donít like Jane Austen. Iím trying to use some humor to make me and others laugh. Laughter is one thing that I hope I still have.)

Yet today, after starting down this road I am a mess. I was invited to go to lunch with friends and hoped. I hoped they didnít see that my hands were trembling or that it took every ounce of me not to break down and cry in public.

Out of my entire trauma, why is this one crippling me?

Edited by alphabravo (10/11/07 06:49 PM)
Its not how far you fall, its how you land.

#186544 - 10/11/07 06:41 PM Re: Why This? [Re: alphabravo]
kellygtx Offline

Registered: 07/11/07
Posts: 412
Loc: Texas, USA
Alphabravo -

Congratulations on your first post! It takes a great deal of courage to admit you need to be here, and even more to post. And that first post is sooo hard.

As for why CSA hurts so much (and I am not a professional, so take this with a grain of salt) I think it's because all those other trauma's do not have the associated guilt and shame. No one involved in that awful plain crash would hesitate to say "I was in a plane crash" but those same individuals would not say "I was forced to <fill in the blank> by my <father, brother,priest,uncle> when I was a kid". As a child we can't put a name to how we feel, and we experience physical stimulation (feels good)and emotional upheaval (feels bad) at the same time - and they get intertwined. Childhood sexual abuse is unlike any other trauma.

That's just my two cents worth.

Edited by kellygtx (10/11/07 06:45 PM)
I bid you Peace.


The time is always NOW. Breath In. Breath Out. Move On.

#186545 - 10/11/07 07:02 PM Re: Why This? [Re: kellygtx]
dannym Offline

Registered: 03/25/07
Posts: 543
Loc: Boulder, Colorado
Welcom Alphabravo.

Welcome. As Kelly said, those first posts are very difficult - you should be very proud of yourself.

I agree with Kelly - the abuse itself maybe over fairly quickly, but the effects are life long. How do you "get back on the horse"? With your swimming incident, you were in control of the situation - it was traumatic, but you faced the fear and got back in the water.

With the abuse, you feel ashamed, and guilty and dirty... but mostly, you feel out of control. How can you deal with something you are terrified to think about, let alone talk about?

We may all have different experiences here, but we all have one thing in common... we understand what it is like to feel all those terrible, scary feelings - there is no judgement here, just good people who care, understand and are all trying to heal the little boys inside of us.

I am so glad you found us

"You should listen to your heart, and not the voices in your head."

Marge Simpson


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