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#185065 - 10/06/07 03:32 AM friendships
sportinrucks Offline

Registered: 10/01/04
Posts: 443
Loc: Louisiana
When I was young, and the abuse was happening. I would see myself coming back to this guy. Even though he had abused me. I would come back. I dont know why. He was my friend. These days I see the pattern. In relationships, my friend turned dealer. I keep coming back and although I am abused I keep coming back.

So now Im learning that I never knew how to take care of myself. After all, my father never showed me. So I try to find out from people, in bars and clubs, just talk, after all, Im an outcast. But still no getting. I write information down but I dont get it. I must be hard headed or something.

#185071 - 10/06/07 03:55 AM Re: friendships [Re: sportinrucks]
Hauser Offline

Registered: 11/12/05
Posts: 2963
Loc: United States
What was the nature of your relationship with your abuser? Was he "nice" to you? Did he "pay attention" to you? Did he buy you gifts or let you play with his "toys"?

I found myself going back to the same abuser, he was an older brother's friend, I was 9 and he was 25. Whenever I tried to object to his sickening sex games, he would withhold his attention/affections from me and manipulated me. In essence, he got ME to come back to HIM and say that *I* was sorry. I suspect that your abuser was much the same way?

#185073 - 10/06/07 04:12 AM Re: friendships [Re: Hauser]
sportinrucks Offline

Registered: 10/01/04
Posts: 443
Loc: Louisiana
He was only a few years older than me, he had hit puberty probably a year or two ago. He was just.... cool. Like an older brother. Messing with the girls, outgoing, little pedophile. How can he not feel guilty and I am stuck with it?

#185083 - 10/06/07 05:13 AM Re: friendships [Re: sportinrucks]
EGL Offline
Moderator Emeritus
Registered: 06/19/04
Posts: 7821
Hi Sportinrucks,

You asked "How can he not feel guilty?" Simply put, that's the definition of a sociopath. A dictionary definition is:

Someone whose social behavior is extremely abnormal. Sociopaths are interested only in their personal needs and desires, without concern for the effects of their behavior on others.

You have nothing to feel guilty for, even though you may feel as though you are stuck with the guilt. It's all his. He was older and abused a position of power by the inequality in your ages. It's not uncommon for victims (and yes, you were a victim) of SA to keep returning to the abuser because he is filling a need in them. But it doesn't make it anywhere near right or o.k. what the abuser is doing.


#185115 - 10/06/07 01:28 PM Re: friendships [Re: EGL]
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA

There are a million reasons why a boy goes back to the abuser, but none of them make the abuse the boy's fault or his responsibility. He may find, as Eddie says, that the abuser's attention fills a need he has for attention; maybe the abuser lies to him and tells him he loves the boy and all this is happening because he's so special.

In my case the abuser told me he would be my big brother, knowing how I yearned for a big brother. Then when things got bad I just went with him because I felt worthless and figured it didn't matter what happened to me anymore.

Alex, it's a powerful thing when a boy finds that an older boy will pay attention to him and spend time with him. The younger one feels important and special, and it's difficult to give that up. He may get tricked into thinking that its okay for the older boy to expect sex in return for his time.

But it's never the boy's job to figure this out. He gets tricked not because he's bad or stupid, but because he's a defenseless innocent child. It can never be his fault.

Much love,

Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)

#189034 - 10/29/07 02:27 AM Re: friendships [Re: roadrunner]
GateKPR4 Offline

Registered: 10/29/07
Posts: 955
Loc: North Carolina, USA
I was tricked this way. I never could put it into words though just how it happened or why. You guys are opening my eyes to the how and whys and I thank you. It's true that I was looking for a friend and this abuser made me feel special, he was about 5 or 6 years older than me and a friend of my older brother.


I'm a normal person dealing with abnormal experiences.
The greatest discoveries we will find within ourselves.
|| || || || || || |

#189077 - 10/29/07 07:07 PM Re: friendships [Re: GateKPR4]
kellygtx Offline

Registered: 07/11/07
Posts: 412
Loc: Texas, USA
For me it was my older brother (+ 4 years) and we moved around so much (military family) that he was often the only kid I knew. We played together for hours and shared a room until I was about 13. When it started it seemed so innocent...he taught me how to masterbate (almost sounds cute does it not?). But now I look back at that and think a 9 or 10 yo really did not need that lesson. From there it got worse - and as quickly as it started, when my oldest brother committed suicide it stopped -and left me totally confused!!

I bid you Peace.


The time is always NOW. Breath In. Breath Out. Move On.

#192133 - 11/21/07 08:59 PM Re: friendships [Re: kellygtx]
Darren Offline

Registered: 02/13/07
Posts: 120
Loc: The High Seas
Originally Posted By: kellygtx
when my oldest brother committed suicide it stopped -and left me totally confused!!

My brother committed suicide, too. To this day I wonder why? What was the reason? What could lead someone to such a drastic decision? He was the kinder, gentler of the two -- which made him no less of an abuser, I suppose -- it was just the truth of the matter. I think there's so much I didn't know and still don't. My family is the type to ignore the bad things that happen in life. Focus on the positive! -- That could be our family motto. So there are still so many unanswered questions.

“Now and then we had a hope that if we lived and were good, God would permit us to be pirates” -Mark Twain


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