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#184746 - 10/05/07 02:52 AM A late night moan
patch22 Offline
New Here

Registered: 07/24/07
Posts: 25
Loc: Ireland
Joined a couple of months ago, but stopped reading for a while because I found some people's stories too hard to take. This is a middle-of-a-bad-night ramble. I guess many (most?) won't indentify with this, but I actually get more angry about non-abusers failing to protect children than I do about the perps themselves. I mean, life is like that - there just are bad people in the world and we expect to be protected by the police etc. So I find it sickening to read about a church hierarchy that tries to shut up victims, or a mother who sides with a stepfather rather than the child he's been abusing, etc.

I guess I thought I'd come to terms with some post CSA issues, but they're bothering me at the minute. This involves corporal punishment - so don't read if that might trigger you.

I guess I was too screwed up to think clearly, but my solution to bring my CSA (by a neighbour) to an end was to tell a teacher. He wouldn't believe me or something and caned me for lying. (This was standard schoolboy punishment in those days, not much used - most pupils would have gone through school without experiencing it.) I thought I'd rationalised that away - I know now for instance that there was then no general knowledge that CSA existed, or that it was harmful if it did, and for all I know teacher and abuser may have been friends. But it's been sort of getting in on me recently - How could an 11-year invent a story like that? How could a teacher be so cruel? When I refused to go back to school for a long time, how come nobody came even near to asking the right questions?
A couple of years later, I'd developed a sort of fuck-you-all attitude. Along with that, for some reason I hated taking orders. Sometimes if a teacher ordered me to do something in a way I didn't like I'd just stare at him, and it would end up with me being caned. I've always got the same feeling when I think I'm under threat or in any kind of crisis - cold and watchful, determined not to show any emotion.

I don't often get nightmares, and never remember them when I do, but I always go into this mode as I'm waking up after one. It's quite good tonight because my wife is away visiting one of our children and so I've been able to smoke in the house, switch on lights, play with our dog, etc. (If she's here I sneak downstairs and out into the garden to smoke.) I know I've a better life than most people, but I do feel kind of angry at the moment. When I woke up, there was a black figure with a glowing red face watching me, and just for a minute I was terrified, but I'm always able to 'ground' myself quickly and he faded away. My T said that the fact that I can't see his face is a self-protective mechanism. Don't know if I'd recognise him if I saw photos from those days.


A dog is a man's best therapist

#184801 - 10/05/07 08:07 AM Re: A late night moan [Re: patch22]
RICK57 Offline

Registered: 12/31/03
Posts: 1611
Paddy - I've just about finished reading a book: Fear of the Collar (Patrick Touher). It's about boys enduring systematic abuse at The Artane Industrial School for boys in Dublin during the 1940/50s. The school was run by "Christian Brothers", although Satan's Sons would be a better de>
*Never look down on anybody unless you're helping them up.
*I was seeking a way of expressing my anger - I found hope!
*There are many battles before the war is won! It can be won!

#184958 - 10/05/07 08:24 PM Re: A late night moan [Re: RICK57]
GentleSoul Offline

Registered: 03/05/07
Posts: 244
Loc: San Diego

I commend you for having the courage to tell someone about your abuse! That must've taken a lot of courage and I applaud you! However, I'm sorry you didn't get the support that you needed when you confided in someone who you thought you could trust. I can totally relate to what you went through. My aunts knew what my drunk uncle was doing to me. Call it passive prayer or imaginative denial or whatever, it was frightening for me to find a hiding place without any assistance from your own flesh and blood. Even though I can relate to your anger, you drew strength from your experience. In my case, I harbored intense anger and played the 'victim' role. You developed your "fuck you all" attitude and I developed my "what's the point of fighting if I'm going to be victimized anyway?" attitude. Throughout the years I've learned to run away and avoid conflict. I'm somewhat jealous you developed that "fuck you all" attitude because if I had to do it all over again, that's one way I'd re-enact my childhood. You're wrong Paddy. I totally related to your ramble. No matter what brother - ramble on. We'll be here to listen.


I can finally admit I pretend to say and do nice things so people will think I'm a standout guy.


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