Life (as above) means being abused by someone that pretends to be your best friend ever. Being groomed with treats into a situation that you just do not understand, and that you will try to comprehend for the rest of your life. It might mean being violently attacked by someone you totally trusted, being pinned to the floor and used (not my experience, but I know it is the experience of others). So we men here have either been subjected to grooming and abuse, or violent physical attacks (sometimes both). When someone you trust does this, it plays havock with your ability to trust. Yes we may think that you are the best person we ever met, but I personally just wait for people to let me down. I thought for many years that everyone would let me down eventually, so why did I even bother putting myself into situations where I might start to like / get attached to people, if I knew they would eventually let me down.
i'm sorry i never responded to your post on this thread - looking back i think i just didn't know what to say - you opened up so much and shared something so personal it was overwhelming - but in a good way - that is, i know i'm not the only one who's learned from what you wrote, as well as just felt so much of your pain and hurt also.
what's interesting is how i, too, have trust issues for many reasons, but not csa. i, too, used to wait for people to disappoint me but then eventually as i grew older i realized i could also disappoint others as well.
i still prefer giving people the benefit of the doubt most of the time but if someone does disappoint me i try and ask myself if i'm holding unrealistic expectations of that person or the circumstances.
i think as children we DO imagine the world in such a way, as we imagine people, not to necessarily have bad things, or events, or actions in it. when bad things happen, especially traumatic events, it can crush a child's vision all too hard and fast, as opposed to allowing a child to gradually adjust to the fact the world is not all roses, i.e., our parents (and others) are people too.
no, i can't imagine what you went thru, as i can't imagine what any survivor of csa went thru, it is just so horrific for a nonsurvivor to grasp; maybe someday i won't shake my head about it but i doubt it.
i think you are a person of incredibly courage and strength. i was doing some research today and came across this quote:
Damaged people are dangerous. They know they can survive. ~Josephine Hart
i hope no one takes offense at the use of the word "damaged" because i hesitated to share this for just that reason. but when people like you, Rik, who stand up and face your abuser, wow, that just makes you THE MAN totally - you know?
just don't think of the word "damaged" in a bad way, just means "hurt" is all, i think, ok?
to the other survivors who also posted, your words are also special, please don't think they aren't - every experience shared is a ray of hope for us fnf who are trying so hard to understand.
all the best,