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#184150 - 10/02/07 08:30 PM Diary in a bottle - Oct 2, 2007
GentleSoul Offline

Registered: 03/05/07
Posts: 244
Loc: San Diego
Dear Diary,

It's been one heck of a ride. I missed my couples appointment yesterday because I had to stay late for work. I'm a staff accountant and our department wanted the monthly reports and journal entries to be completed in 4 days. Anyways,
couples therapy is a bit stressful for me right now. It seems like our couples counselor is more interested in helping both of us communicate and trust each other better, as opposed to getting to know either one of us and understanding what makes us tick. I told her about my incest abuse about 3 sessions ago and not once has she asked me how the abuse happened or who was involved. I guess I had this expectation that she would ask me how I was sexually molested so that she can understand me and feel my pain. It seems like she doesn't want to know what happened to me and I feel that is somewhat insensitive. If a patient came in with a bullet lodge in one's shoulder, shouldn't the doctor at least know why the person is bleeding profusely? There was one time when she had the audacity to ask me if I had any input as to how I can spice up our sex life. I was very angry towards her for not only putting me on the spot, she just showed me that she was either ignorant or clueless of my fear of intimacy. Another time she gave us an exercise to help us be more open and honest. She wanted both of us to sit down and disclose all and any indiscretions. For a person with extreme trust issues, I felt very resistant to this task. Call me cautious but I generally have this policy that people have to gain or earn my trust, and I don't take kindly when people attempt to take it. Anyways, I was planning on firing her yesterday but I couldn't get out of work in time for our appointment. My instincts have always protected me and they've never been wrong. I simply don't like and trust her.
On other fronts, I'm a bit disappointed that my request for vacation so that I can attend the Hope Springs retreat in a couple of weeks has gone unanswered. I put in the request to my supervisor and he hasn't responded yet. I was so looking forward to connecting with other survivors in another spirit-filled, healing weekend. I'm having a very difficult time finding and keeping support. I'm sure my reclusive nature and my pushing everyone away is not helping me much. Even on this discussion board I find it difficult to get support. I pour my heart and soul into a post and it seems as if no one can see it or understand what I'm saying. I see the comraderie and connections others are having here when they post back and forth, building and nurturing their relationship. I'm very jealous that they know each other by first name and how easily they get support when they post something. It feels awfully familiar in that it seems like I'm constantly on the outside looking in; trying, hoping to fit in and be a part of something I can call home.
I'm feeling very lonely and extremely sad. I feel that my partner is more concerned about jump starting our sex life and it's hard for me to accept that he's incapable of providing me with the patience, support, and understanding that I so desperately need. I'm going through a very self-destructive phase where I'm drinking and visiting Mary Jane on weekends. I'm not watching my salt intake and eating anything and everything - totally disregarding the fact that my kidney functioning is at 35% and it's only a matter of time that I will need a transplant. It's been a while since I've felt some pep in my step and it's been months since I've worked out. I'm putting on a few pounds and it's doubly depressing to see that my asset is getting bigger. One thing I've discovered recently is a bookstore by the office. I go there during lunchtime and hook up with other guys in the porno booths. I'm tired, alone on a deserted, forsaken island. Where does misery end and hope begins? Drift away little bottle...

I can finally admit I pretend to say and do nice things so people will think I'm a standout guy.

#184156 - 10/02/07 08:45 PM Re: Diary in a bottle - Oct 2, 2007 [Re: GentleSoul]
testingWaters Offline

Registered: 07/19/06
Posts: 508

#184266 - 10/03/07 04:31 AM Re: Diary in a bottle - Oct 2, 2007 [Re: testingWaters]
Scoutvictim Offline

Registered: 06/04/07
Posts: 434
Loc: St. Louis, Missouri
Hey look, there's a bottle floating over there.

<wades into the surf to retrieve it and reads the note inside>

Wow, Gentlesoul, I am so impressed with your writing style.

Now on to the response.

First, have you talked to your partner about your feelings concerning this therapist? I do agree with you, your T seems to only focus on a narrow list of issues. We all know that trust and intimacy issues or rooted in our CSA. In her defense, she may not be trained in dealing with CSA.

If you do choose to change T's, look on this site to see if they have a therapist listed in your area. Don't be afraid to call and ask a new T several questions, like you are conducting an interview. Then try and visit them, to see if you feel comfortable. As you say, your instincts are normally accurate, so go with your gut feeling. When you meet the right T, things will go so much better. Good luck on your search.

Second, I do hope you will be proactive about getting to Peebles Ohio. I am going to be there, and would love the chance to meet you and build a friendship. Have you asked your supervisor about your request for time off? Be sure and follow up on it, because last I heard, they still had room for more people. I hope we can shake hands when you get there.

Finally, this site is not really an "old boys network". Most everyone here is very supportive, and they are more than willing to provide a shoulder to lean on. I have noticed, since you signed on in March, you have made 36 posts. In my experience, the more you post, the more people will get to know you. This will prove to be a self-fulfilling desire. Talk more and people will talk back.

You are already connected to this group by the horrible events of your past. Now, if you share your current struggles and wisdom, you will connect on a different level. You do not always have to start a thread, but you can always reply and express your feelings on other peoples posts.

I will also suggest the chat room, many of us who know each others names are very active in the chat. Try and be more involved, or if you wish to talk about your own issues, speak out. I promise no one will blame you for asking for help.

You can also try to visit the new all gay group, "Mo's on a Mission." For information on the meetings, see the post a little further down the list of Gay Topics. Last night I met many great guys at our first meeting, and I will keep in touch with them. This will provide you with the chance to build some friendships.

I know it's easy for me to say, but I hope you try and curtail your self destructive behaviors. I wish you luck, and feel free to PM me if you want to chat.

Luv ya,

Shawn and Ben will always be in my heart....

Happiness is like peeing your pants; Everyone can see it, but only YOU feel the warmth.

Peebles, Ohio WOR alumni, Oct. 2007


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