Rather than pick out quotes and respond to your observations individually, let me just say that your observations are pretty good, and I appreciate every word, even if some of them might anger me a bit
(I'm not scared of a slap of reality, so bring it on!)
I apologize that some important details were left out, I forgot that I hadn't mentioned them in this thread, I discussed them in some other threads and I guess I just sorta stayed on the same train of thought.
I told him about the sexual abuse for a couple of reasons. For one, he was at least acting like he wanted to be a good friend, listening to my problems and then telling me he's glad that I trust him enough to share those kinds of personal things. He even went as far as to say to me, "You can tell me anything you want", and it's been close to a year since he said that, but I do not think it is a misquote. The other major reason I told him about the abuse is because he has a 5 year old son, and I just needed him to know some things about CSA.
There are several more things that have happened during the last year that I have not included in this thread, the one's that come to mind would be that he has been to my house too, when my gay friend and I took him out for his birthday. He really seemed to enjoy it. When he left to head home, I gave him a friendly hug just like I would any of my other friends, because I wanted to treat him the same as I do anyone else (all crushes aside).
This brings me to the visit I made to his house, which was many months later, and it was his idea, not mine. I was going to my mom's house because my grandmother was in the hospital, and he happens to live in the same part of town that my mom does. We used to send text messages back and forth (just silly stuff, for laughs), and I sent him one saying, "traffic in your direction sucks". His response was that I should "stop by if I am in the area." I thought that might be his response because I wanted to see his house anyway. I went and visited my grandmother and then went over to see his house. He was so nice and accomodating, when I got there he had already had a little bit of something to drink, I think it was rum & coke. His wife was out with some friends, and he was keeping an eye on his son. This was when he was showing me around his house and gave a moment's worth of awkward silence when he showed me "their bed", which was messy and not made, and I would think that most people would just give you a peek into the room if they didn't like the condition of things. We just spent the evening talking about nothing and watching his entertainment center TV, and I was glad to finally meet his wife when she came home around 11 or so. I was enjoying the visit and I decided it was time to go when I noticed him yawning. I said as much and when I got to the door, I started to just give him a quick little handshake "goodbye", and he pulled my arm towards him and hugged me, which I thought was very sweet.
I don't think I am confused when I say there was a certain sort of genuineness and sincerity on his part that seems to have vanished. (ouch, seriously) If he is like most males, he could be feeling insecure about something and he's compensating by being defensive. Hell, half of what he does in general already appears to be compensation for insecurities. I guess that's a big reason why I felt I could relate to him so well during all those chats.
Two things come to mind, maybe a little of both are true, maybe a lot of both. First, it would not surprise me if any feelings of attraction on his behalf have scared him pretty good. We all know this happens. Second, I am thinking that he may have put the pieces together and figured out that my flashback was triggered by him. If neither of these are the case, perhaps after the flashback my
behavior changed, and in such a way that it was getting "creepy". The more I think about it, the more I believe that this is likely so.
I don't think I have been deceptive with him, unless you consider the fact that I have never told him I have a crush on him, which I don't think is appropriate to tell any co-worker. I handled it the absolute best I knew how. That's why I'm here, sharing my situation because I am perfectly willing to hear anything that I am doing that might be putting me at fault somehow.
I don't know that I "instantly mentally self-edited" my remark to be playful. It was both a boundary issue and a playful remark at the same time. But I am disgusted and angry at his reaction. Judging by the look on his face, you would think that I was the creepiest person in the world, and I very well may have been on my way to becoming that.
I realize that after my flashback I was trying to re-enact with him, but I promise you that I did not want that to be true, and I kept promising myself that I would just back off and deal with it myself, but with him just two floors away from me, it was too easy for me to keep trying to seek approval (sort of a codependant thing I guess). What I wanted was for those F*ing triggered feelings to be gone, but to have a hasty attitude towards them will get me absolutely nowhere. I am going to have to respect the flashbacks because they are very, very powerful. This is what I have been hoping to achieve by putting my feelings out for everyone to see. Who knows, there's always the possibility he found the website and read all this, I really don't care (nor do I think so) because all I want is for me to continue getting past the abuse issue and to maintain healthy relationships. Even if he is creeped out, that's still no reason to abandon anyone's honest attempts to create a healthy friendship (aside from the fact that I believe I have failed).
I am also realizing, as I type this, that another reason I told him about the abuse was in the event I should become triggered, which of course has happened, but perhaps my expectations were a little bit high.
I feel like such a piece of shit. I feel like I ruined a great friendship, and it was all because of my abuse issues. I know this all sounds very "fatalistic", but afterall that is a symptom of PTSD.Correction, it was because of the incompatability between abuse driven feelings and behavior, and real healthy relationships.
It feels good to decide not to seek out any interaction with him, which I think I was allowing myself to do previously for the wrong reasons (after the flashback was triggered). I just need some time to get back to being the happy and confident me that I remember.