Dear Acting Out
I have come to you today to say goodbye finally, once and for all. Like I had to say goodbye to cutting I also have to say goodbye to you and set myself free of you both. It was nothing either of you did in fact you never let me down. But we have not seen each other since February of this year, and I know now that I am strong enough to move on without you. I know you say that you will always be there if I need you but I wont be coming back. I am facing my demons alone well not alone, I have so many other friends that have been down this same path and will walk with me, and sometimes run with me.
You came to me when he died when all those thoughts and memories started to flood my consciousness. Cutting was not enough then and I turned to you for help. You brought me back to that room 35 years ago and helped me process what happened. When I wouldnt listen to you, you made me pay attention. Although I both loved and hated you, I never blamed you for making me do it again. You could make me see bringing back all those feelings. But you know what, you only helped reinforce the feelings of being worthless, full of guilt and shame. When I ran from you because the emotions were too intense and I could not express them, I ran right to cutting to let them out. And the vicious cycle started and but for the grace of the Beloved I did no permanent damage and I am in great health. In fact I am up to 175 pounds!
I also turned to you because of my neurological problems. Having a constant jerk and not being able to write, drink from a glass, or eat like other kids made school a living hell. I remember the terror when a teacher would call me to the blackboard. Moving every couple of years only added to my pain. I think I always wanted to be liked and I somehow confused sex with acceptance and you stepped right in to fill the void. I thought that when someone used me for sexual purposes I might be equal. My brother started me down that path with him I equated love and sex and my 10 year old mind grabbed on to that. It was not you fault you are neither good nor bad, just a way to survive. And dont get me wrong, I am not ashamed of you I understand you had a job to do and you did it well.
So I set us both free. I am free to move on without fear I will ever call you again. I am free to feel without guilt and shame. I am free to understand it was not my fault. I am free to love and to be loved. I am free to be me.
Edited by kellygtx (10/02/07 02:22 PM)
I bid you Peace.
The time is always NOW. Breath In. Breath Out. Move On.