you also might want to consider checking out a therapist who is a woman if you have trouble talking to a male.
you are not crazy! whatever you witnessed (or possiby experienced) was what was crazy. all the things you have done...not remembering, going away, feeling like other's stories here are so much worse, these are all things you have done to protect yourself.
but now as you realize that you're getting further away from whatever happened, you know in your heart that these things aren't helping to protect you. likely they are making it difficult to concentrate and have relationships, especially if you haven't been able to tell anyone else about what you saw or what happened.
so now you are mustering up the courage to do something about it. don't be discouraged at the thought of therapy. if you broke your leg, you wouldn't put off going to the hospital. scorpiogurl, you are in pain right now. whatever you saw or happened to you was wrong and it has hurt you.
a therapist isn't there to judge you or tell you how messed up your life is. they are trained to give insights. they are there to encourage you. they are there to help you ask the questions you want to ask. no condemning. no pointing.
i think most people have the wrong idea about therapists. they are sterotyped so badly. most therapists i know go into the field because they want to help people find the courage in themselves to change their lives.
back to the broken leg analogy. a doctor's not going to judge you for whatever you did to break your leg. they're going to say now this is going to hurt. we're going to have to do surgery to reset your bones. you'll have to wear a cast and use crutches for awhile, but you will walk again.
scorpiogurl, this may be hard. and you may not be willing to see a therapist yet, or read a book about abuse, but you are here. you obviously want something to change. so at least for now, try to consider that you CAN talk to a therapist. you might have to work yourself up to it. that's ok. there are a lot of people here who have done the same.
but for now, you've got a lot of people rooting for you.
I was silent as a child, and silenced as a young woman; I am taking my lumps and bumps for being a big mouth, now, but usually from those whose opinion I don't respect. - Sandra Cisneros